


Painkillers

by Solar_Litost



Series: In A Vast Universe [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Pidge | Katie Holt, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Cuddling & Snuggling, Eventual Romance, Eventual Shklance, Galra Empire, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gay Shiro (Voltron), Homophobia, Hunk & Lance (Voltron) Friendship, Hurt Lance (Voltron), Japanese Shiro (Voltron), Korean Keith (Voltron), Lance & Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, M/M, Miscommunication, Multi, Mutual Pining, Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, Pining Keith (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Pining Shiro (Voltron), Polyamory, Sassy Pidge | Katie Holt, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death, shklance - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:41:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 61,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24434512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solar_Litost/pseuds/Solar_Litost
Summary: He sighed, he almost didn’t feel sad anymore but instead he just felt like he was alreadygone. Reaching for the button to open the door to space he closed his eyes and smiled,a real smile, he didn’t have to be in pain anymore, or be a fuck up, or ruin other people’slives.He could be free.---Or where Lance comes out to his mother and it doesn't go as planned.---Or where Haggar curses a depressed Lance and the team has to rally together to find a cure before it's too late.
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron), Keith/Lance/Shiro (Voltron), Keith/Shiro (Voltron), Lance/Shiro (Voltron)
Series: In A Vast Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1940647
Comments: 523
Kudos: 727





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all,
> 
> this is my first Voltron story. The title and lyrics at the beginning of each chapter is from a song called Painkillers. I almost always write Shklance with Lance-centric story lines. I'll put trigger warnings as they come. For the whole story suicide attempt will be a warning as well as sex. all characters are aged up and over 18, this is a few years into their time in space. This will probably be around 5 chapters. He also is a little OOC, however I think it is warranted all things considered. But oh well. This is beta-d by my lovely friend Mars.
> 
> TW: Suicide attempt.  
> TW: vomiting (sometimes this is a trigger for people so I wanted to add it).  
> TW: Homophobic language and mother.
> 
> Enjoy some angst!  
> -Litost

“Very lovely morning  
Try not to kill yourself today  
Think of all that you'd be missing.”

* * *

Lance McClain was elated. No, he was more than elated, he was completely over the moon with excitement. They had finally figured out how to contact Earth from the Castle. They would all get to connect with their loved ones, the people they had left behind to try and save the universe. 

It was all Lance had been desperate for during the last year, it physically hurt to be away from his family for this long. They probably still didn’t know where he was.

That had always bothered him, he had never been able to even give them a warning before he vanished along with Hunk and Pidge. But then he would think about Shiro and Keith and his heart would echo with pain. They didn’t really have anyone left. Keith did discover his heritage of being half Galra, but had yet to find any family members here in space. Shiro on the other hand, had already lost his family: his previous lover. 

It was times like this that made Lance eternally grateful that Shiro and Keith had found love with each other. Even if he couldn’t be a part of it, even if he felt choked up just thinking about them, he was glad they were together. He was happy that they wouldn’t be alone. 

Lance was always grateful when his friends were happy. 

Still, he had his family and that made his heart sing with excitement. As he made his way to the bridge, he thought about what he was going to talk about with them. Coran had told them that they only had about 20 minutes each because of the sheer amount of energy it took for the castle to use its communications over that distance. So Lance didn’t want to waste a second. How was Veronica? How were his niece and nephew doing in school? Was mamá taking care of herself as she got older? Were his older siblings doing well? Was his father home more often now than when he was when Lance was on Earth?

All these questions filled his head until it was overflowing. However, there was one thing he wanted to do most, and that involved talking to his mamá. He wanted to come out to her, he had never told her he was bisexual, and he needed some kind of validation from her. Also, since they were apart for so long, who knew if Lance was going to find someone. What if that someone was a guy, he didn’t want it to be a complete shock. 

He was nervous. His mamá was a strict and devout catholic. He didn’t know how his mamá was going to react. He had never told anyone, except Hunk and Pidge. Hunk because he was his best friend and would never judge him and Pidge because they had come out to Lance as being non-binary and asexual. Their parents supported them wholeheartedly, they had known about Pidge for years, before their father and brother went missing on the mission. 

He really hoped his family were as cool with it as Pidge’s. 

He stopped outside the door to the bridge and waited, he could hear Pidge talking to their mother and he didn’t want to interrupt. Especially, since Pidge sounded close to tears, which was something not seen by many. They held their vulnerability tight inside them, only a rare few had ever been privy to witness it. 

He wanted to be respectful, so he waited, leaning against the wall in the hall. He hummed a little to try and cover up any conversation he might overhear. Luckily, he didn’t hear anything personal and a few moments later Pidge came into the hall, eyes a little red and looking exhausted. 

Lance stepped forward until he was directly in front of them and reached out a hand to squeeze their shoulder. 

“Hey, are you okay?” 

There was a moment where Pidge looked as if they were going to puff up and brush Lance off or crumble where they stood. A middle ground occurred and Pidge sort of deflated, shoulders sagging, as if they had let go of all the weight that was on their back. 

“It’s fine, my mom is still worried about my dad and Matt. She’s grateful I’m okay, but she worries. She doesn’t want to lose me like she did them. But, I told her, they are _not_ gone! I’m still going to find them, but I get why she is worried. I just don’t want her to give up, because I haven’t.”

They sighed again bringing their hand up to close over the one that Lance was still resting on their shoulder, giving it a squeeze. 

“We’re going to find them Pidge, I know we will.” Lance was calm but looked determined. He believed what he was saying. Pidge’s lower lip trembled before they launched themselves into Lance’s arms, gripping his waist tight and hiccupping slightly into his chest. Lance felt his gut clench with brotherly concern and a need to protect and embraced Pidge fiercely. His eyebrows creased in worry as he rested his chin on Pidge’s hair. 

They stood like that for what felt like a few minutes, just holding each other as Pidge tried to relax, tried to stop the almost crying that was about to occur. Lance needed the hug just as bad; he was more nervous than he had realized for his conversation with his mamá. 

Pidge gave a wet laugh and pulled away lightly punching his shoulder. 

“Are you excited to talk to your 500 relatives?” they said teasingly. 

“Ha ha, I’m probably only gonna get to talk to my mamá. But funny Pidge real funny, you should be a comedian after we save the universe.”

They grinned cheekily before heading down the corridor towards the computer room. 

“Hey, wait! Am I next? Has everyone else gone?” He asked as they continued down the hallway.

“Yep, you’re the last one bud.”

Lance smiled, stomach in knots, and entered the bridge. The screen was huge and already set up with his mamá’s name lit up in blue. He could see the names of his teammate’s relatives on the screen, but he went to sit down in front of the monitor on the couch and pressed his mamá’s name. 

He fidgeted as time ticked by. 

‘Maybe it wouldn’t work, maybe it wouldn’t connect to his mamá and he wouldn’t get to talk to her, maybe they forgot about him, maybe-

“Lance??”

Lance gasped, tears pooling in the corner of his eyes and he smiled so big it hurt. There on the screen was his mamá, looking confused, but happy all the same. 

“Lance, where are you, what’s going on?? Where have you been mijo? We’ve all been so worried!” She sounded frantic and Lance’s gut twisted with guilt. 

“I’m okay mamá, I only have about twenty minutes. But I can try and explain everything to you…” 

And he did. He told her about the Garrison, Shiro, Keith, Hunk, Pidge, finding the Blue lion, and ending up as a part of Voltron. How he was currently in space fighting against an alien race. He told her everything as fast as he could. When he stopped she looked so surprised and overwhelmed, but relieved that he was okay. 

“I am so proud of you, we miss you so much, but you’re doing great things to help people. That was always your greatest gift from God, your will to be there for people and capacity for caring. You have such kindness in you, mijo. Unfortunately, everyone is out of the house right now, your father should be back soon with the kids though, and Veronica is here for Christmas.”

“Oh man, it’s _Christmas?!_ I wish I was there with you all, I miss you so much.”

“We miss you too, mijo, muchísimo.”

Lance’s eyes watered with happiness and he glanced at the time on the screen and took a breath. It was now or never. 

“Mamá, I need to tell you something. I don’t want you to hate me, but you need to know, I don’t want to keep secrets from you. I like girls mamá, I’ve always liked girls. But my whole life I’ve also liked boys. I’m bisexual, I wanted to tell you in case I found someone special and that someone was a guy. I hope you can understand, and still love me just the same as you always have.”

Lance should have picked never.

“No.”

“Mamá what-”

“No, I can’t love you the same.”

Her eyes were cold. He felt like lead was filling his veins as he started breathing harder. 

His heart was going to burst. 

“How dare you??” 

It came out as a harsh, disbelieving whisper. 

“I can’t believe you would do this; you would go against God for your own selfish, sick desires. I thought I raised you better than this, Lance. You need to promise me you won’t be with a man, if you can promise me that and marry a nice woman, settle down, and have kids, we can forget all about this and God will forgive you. You must repent.”

His ears were rushing with blood and his heart cracked and ached. He couldn’t breathe properly. He felt like he was drowning and his life saver was a cinder block dragging him down to death. 

“Mamá… it’s me, you’ve loved me my whole life. I love you, but I can’t change who I am. Please, I need you to accept me.”

His voice had gone up in a panicked rush and a cold chill was seeping through this clothing and over his trembling skin. He was becoming desperate; he had never seen her like this. 

“Please, mamá, you can still love me, I haven’t changed on the inside, I am still me. I’m still Lance!”

She looked severe; the angriest Lance had ever seen her in his life. Even more so than the time he got his sister hurt when they were climbing trees in Cuba, she had fallen and broken her wrist. But even through her anger she still hugged him while he cried, telling him it wasn’t his fault, and that accidents happen. 

She wasn’t telling him it’s not his fault this time. Something he had no control over, she was blaming him. 

She was _hating_ him. 

“Lance… if you can’t stop this sin, then you can’t be a part of this family. If you somehow, by some miracle live and make it back to Earth, don’t come home. It’s not yours anymore. I will grieve you, but you’ve made your choice. I hope the good Lord takes your soul before you become corrupted by your horrific sin.”

“Mama, no! Please! Where will I go?? Te amo, please, please don’t leave me alone!” He was crying, choking on his sobs, distressed, tears sliding down his cheeks, as he reached out for the monitor. He knew he couldn’t touch her, knew she wasn’t really there. But, he still tried to hold onto his mamá in some way before she disappeared forever. 

“No! You’re not a McClain, you’re not welcome here any longer. We don’t love you anymore, I hope you die without sinning, so God can forgive you for being an abomination. May God have mercy on your soul.”

The line started to fade out as she cut communications. At the last moment, Lance could hear someone in the background yelling frantically, “Lance! Mamá, no!”

He assumed it was another family member, coming to degrade him for his ‘choice.’ Lance felt sick all the way through to his bones. Like he would rot away just sitting on the couch on the bridge. His heart stuttered painfully, it felt like it was on fire, white hot and burning, while his skin and hands shook, feeling frigid.

He looked up at the blackened screen, grief-stricken as he thought about never seeing his family again.

The last conversation he would ever have with his mamá. 

The last conversation with his family. 

The last time he saw her face. 

He stood quickly, almost stumbling over his own feet in his anxiety to leave the large illuminated room. He felt ill again. She said she didn’t love him anymore. She wanted him to die before he could act on his bisexuality. She wanted him to never _ever_ come home. 

He choked as he took off down the main hall, his eyes red and his mouth open in a panic as he panted, trying to pull in more air, but couldn’t. He finally made it to his room and slammed his hand on the pad and walked barely hearing the door ‘whoosh’ as it closed behind him. 

He broke down, sobbing, gripping at his chest through his damp, tear-stained shirt so hard he thought it would bruise. He didn’t care. What did any of this matter anymore? Saving the universe? Any of it? He can never go _home_. 

A cry of agony ripped from his lips, he staggered into the bathroom, and slammed to his knees painfully before puking into the bowl. He thought he would asphyxiate from his own retching. Nothing was coming up, but clear viscous fluid and he had no food in him to regurgitate. More bile started to rise, fighting against his need to breathe, heaving as he clung to the white basin. He gagged again, specks of blood flying from between his lips from vomiting so hard. His grip was so hard he felt his bones creak in warning and his knuckles looked ghostly. 

“Fuck…” he panted. 

He was still crying, still panting, his hair was a mess, some of it hanging in his eyes. He had been growing it out a little, it was still short, nothing like Keith’s, but longer than it had ever been before. 

His mamá… she went from saying how proud she was of him, to wishing he would die. He knew she might not understand, but he never in a million years expected this reaction. It was so visceral still that it made his skin crawl. 

“Don’t throw up again, don’t throw up again, come on, don’t throw up again.” He started to chant, trying to get his breathing under control. 

When he was certain he wasn’t going to be sick again, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, some blood smearing, thinning to a lighter pink stain. He stood on shaky legs and stumbled to the sink, letting cold water run before splashing his face. He looked up and stared at himself in the mirror. He was wrecked. His normally caramel colored face was paler than he had ever seen it, blue eyes bloodshot and horribly dilated, so much so they looked black. He was a mess and he couldn’t go back out to his teammates looking like this. He couldn’t look at Pidge or Hunk or Allura or Coran or any of them. 

Lance especially couldn’t face Shiro or Keith. 

He felt the painful ache of longing and self-loathing in his chest again. His mamá had just rejected him, completely dismissing him from the family. Yet, here he was still thinking about Keith and Shiro. Even worse, he had feelings for people in a relationship and the thought filled his belly with shame. 

‘Maybe I _am_ sick.’ The small voice in the back of his head whispered. ‘Loving people in a committed relationship and making mamá hate me.’

How was he supposed to go out there like this? Go out there and live his life like this didn’t just happen? He had no family now, no one but a few friends, and that was a tenuous definition of some of them at best. 

He moved to his bed and sank down, his face falling into his hands, gripping at his skin indecisively. He didn’t know what to do with himself. What did he do now? Save the universe and then go back to Earth? And then what? What did he do? Lance had never felt more helpless in his life. He felt worthless, he had been a leftover pick at the Garrison, only got the slot because Keith had dropped out. Keith was the black paladin now and Red only accepted him because they needed to form Voltron. Blue locked him out, and Allura had come much farther than Lance ever did with Blue in a much shorter span of time.

They didn’t need him.

Voltron didn’t need him.

Red and Blue didn’t need him.

His family didn’t need him. 

His mamá-

His _mamá_. 

She wanted him to die. 

He wanted to die. He didn’t want to be here anymore. He felt sick and it left him hopeless like this feeling would never go away. He sobbed as he stood, his hands running down his face, one coming to rest on his clavicle, above his heart and the other clenching at his side, pulling at his shirt by his hip. He felt lost and abandoned and frustrated. 

_Lonely_. 

He left his room and walked down the hall. Only Keith and Shiro’s rooms were on this side of the castle. However, around this time of day they were both on the training deck. Hunk was in the kitchen; it was nearing dinner time and he had planned to try to duplicate spaghetti tonight. Lance knew that he would be there a while. Allura and Pidge were in the central computer base of the ship, working on decoding some footage to try and find some sign of Matt. Lance didn’t know _where_ Coran was, but if he had to take a guess, he would be cleaning out the cryo-pods from their last mission. 

So, Lance was alone, and he was fine with that. There was a moment where he felt bad, he felt bad for people that he wouldn’t see again. But his mamá didn’t want him to be around, that was her last wish for him. He felt hollow, empty, and vacant as he came upon the airlock on the south side of the castle. 

He laughed humorlessly when he remembered this was where Keith had saved his life when the castle had become murderous. Now, he was willingly walking to the bay door, pressing the button to open the glass, walking in, and closing it behind him. He looked to his right, out the window seeing the starlight. Watching the quiet darkness that disappeared into millions of galaxies spread out before him, glimmering in their own little fires. The vast space was streaming and infinite.

_Unlike his decision to die._

He sighed, he almost didn’t feel sad anymore but instead he just felt like he was already gone. Reaching for the button to open the door to space he closed his eyes and smiled, a real smile, he didn’t have to be in pain anymore, or be a fuck up, or ruin other people’s lives. 

He could be free. 

He took a breath and a hand grabbed his upper arm harshly before he was pulled away, from his one and only choice. A harsh voice brought him crashing back to reality and jarred him. 

“What the hell, Lance?! Did you get locked in again??” Keith’s eyes were hard but also held a hint of confusion in his furrowed brow. The bay door quietly closed behind him, and he felt another pull of agony seep through him. 

He missed his shot.

“No, no I was just looking at the stars, dude. Let go of me!” He went to yank his arm away, but Keith held on, his tight grip bruising. He studied him incredulously, like Lance was a puzzle, the stupidest puzzle Keith had ever seen. 

“That’s why we have an observation deck, moron.” He let go of Lance’s arm still looking at him strangely. 

“You’re an observation deck,” Lance muttered, stepping back a bit to put some space between Keith and himself. 

Keith huffed out an annoyed breath, “Come on, we gotta go, Allura has a mission for us.” 

Lance put his hands in his pockets and moved to follow Keith slowly, glancing back as his chance to escape slipped through his grasp. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ah! Here we are, the Centaurus galaxy. They have an outpost there, on a small planet called Seran. Mostly abandoned and no threatening inhabitants. This should be fairly safe.” Coran played with his mustache in quiet thought, only narrowing his eyes once before looking at Keith briefly and then looking away. 
> 
> ‘Fairly safe,’ Keith fought the urge to roll his eyes, when had he heard that before?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, 
> 
> Here is part 2. I've already started chapter 3 (it will prob be my hardest one because I don't know how well I can write fight scenes. Guess we'll find out lol).
> 
> This story is a warm up for my larger book series that will come directly after this story. I'm excited!
> 
> Hope everyone is well and staying safe out there.
> 
> Beta-d again by the glorious Mars. 
> 
> Again lyrics are from the song, 'Painkillers,' by Rainbow Kitten Surprise.

“My king won't feed on milk and honey

He’s impartial to the summer sun

He’s a lone fire burning in the sand

And a cold, lonely night without one.”

**A Few Vargas Earlier**

Keith felt warm, protected. This was something he hadn’t felt for most of his young life. But then he met Shiro and everything changed. He had known him when he was at the Garrison and he filled a mentor role for Keith, almost like an older brother. 

He nearly laughed out loud because, boy, how wrong had he been about that? He felt Shiro’s arms grip tighten around his waist, almost possessive, as he groaned. A nose with a white scar nuzzledtenderly into Keith’s dark, mussed up hair. 

“Do we have to get up?” Shiro complained, his voice a low rumble making Keith feel weak. They had both forgone training today to spend time together. This was rare, especially with everything that was going on with the Galra. They had started to become more aggressive in their goals with Lotor at the head of the empire. 

Keith did laugh this time, normally the teammates saw Shiro as a kind, yet stern leader. If only they could see him now, soaking up the afterglow of sex and whining about having to go to a meeting. Keith smirked and turned to roll over in his arms, so he was facing his lover. 

“Yeah, we’ve been here for vargas. Allura wanted to talk to you about another recon mission, like, 20 doboshes ago.” Keith leaned forward to place a kiss on Shiro’s cheek, just below his eyelashes. Then, the moment was ruined when he licked a stripe across his jaw, mouthing there for just a few ticks before pulling away. 

His grin was cheeky and Shiro glared. 

“Brat.” He grumbled. 

“But I’m _your_ brat.”

“You’re the worst.” The older man’s eyes rolled. 

“Pretty sure that’s not true, cause I’m the best thing to ever happen to you.”

“Hmmm… one of the best.” Shiro gave a fond smile, thoughtful. 

“Yeah.”

Keith sighed; the tension that had previously left his body returned full force. His muscles clenched up and he lowered his head so that his hair brushed against Shiro’s chest. Shiro tipped his chin up and forced Keith to look into his concerned eyes. 

“It’s going to be okay; we’ll figure it out.” Keith puffed out at this and groaned. 

“I’m so frustrated, he’s a fucking idiot. We’ve been trying to invite him in for almost a _deca-phoeb_. How do we both like someone so dense?” 

Shiro barked out a laugh at that.

“Sounds familiar.”

“Excuse me, I was easy to handle. I had wanted you for the longest time.”

Incredulous and amused, Shiro shook his head. 

“You were pining, don’t get me wrong. But, actually getting you to open up was like trying to pull teeth, Keith. It definitely wasn’t easy.”

Shiro pulled him in for a kiss, pressing and slow. His hand came up to card gently through his hair then rested at the base of his neck.

“But it was worth it.”

“You’re a mush Shiro, _I’m_ the normal one.”

They both laughed at that, finding comfort in the presence of the other, Shiro’s smile broad and Keith’s grin mischievous. But, they both still felt strained. Like something was missing from their relationship and they had felt this way for a long while now. 

“We’ve tried everything. Invited him to our room to watch stupid movies. We’ve asked him to train with us. We’ve asked him to eat with us. Like, I don’t get it. Does he hate us?” Keith seemed angry at the beginning of his rant, but it slowly simmered and faded out to a cold steam. He just seemed dejected and defeated now. 

“Hey… there’s still one thing we haven’t tried yet, buddy.” His large hand coming up to rub soothingly along Keith’s side down to his hip. Keith sulkily looked at him to continue, he felt as if they _had_ tried everything. 

“We haven’t just straight out asked him.” Keith went to interrupt, but Shiro’s grip on his waist tightened. 

“I know that scares you, you’re more comfortable around me when it comes to expressing your emotions. But you’re afraid to put yourself out there with other people. We have to talk to him, we’ll take it slow, I promise.”

“What if he doesn’t want us, or me? I’m sure he would want you, anyone would.”

Shiro sighed and frowned, pulling Keith flush against him, his chin resting on Keith’s head. 

“That’s not true and you know it. I hate when you talk about yourself like that. You’re so gorgeous and a fierce lover. So, quit that nonsense. As far as Lance is concerned, I don’t think he will say no, but we need to be prepared if he does. But we can cross that bridge when we come to it.”

“I fucking hope so, because if he flirts with one more goddamn alien girl on the next mission I might just lose it. I hate when he does that shit.” Keith said getting riled up again. He felt Shiro’s grip on him tighten, almost painfully. 

“I know, believe me I hate it just as much as you do. We’ll figure this out.”

Keith breathed out slowly against Shiro’s chest. They really _had_ been trying to get Lance alone. He would always make some excuse. Like he was too tired to train or that he had already eaten (when they knew that wasn’t true), even going as far as to skip dinner completely. Hunk would bring food to his room and Keith knew there was something going on there. Hunk must know _something_. But every attempt at talking to Hunk or trying to get Lance to just hang out with them had been shot down. It was beyond frustrating. 

They had both decided a while ago that they wanted to bring Lance into their relationship. They cared about him very much. They loved how he talked about his family back home. They loved his stupid laugh and excitement over a new mission or something Hunk had made in the kitchen. They loved how much he cared for his teammates, always looking out for Pidge and making sure they were getting food and sleep when they would sit in front of their computer for hours searching for their missing family members. They loved that he would crack jokes, even when they were inappropriate or at the wrong time. They loved that he was a perfect shot, _their_ sharpshooter. 

They loved who Lance was as a person and how much he cared for all of them. He was brave, compassionate, and beautiful. 

And they were in over their heads with their feelings for him. 

Keith just hoped it worked out and that Lance felt the same way. 

The last few vargas had been spent together in their room while the others were on calls with their families. Shiro and Keith were happy for them, especially Lance. He was always so homesick, desperate to talk to his family. Worried that they would think he was missing or dead or something. Keith and Shiro didn’t have family on Earth, their family was right here, in space. 

Still, if you had asked Keith previously if he was bitter about the others getting to talk to their families, he probably would have said yes. But since finding Shiro he felt loved and wanted and Keith left the past in the past. 

And he never looked back. 

But there was still _something_ missing. 

“I hope he’s happy, getting to talk to his family, I mean,” Keith said, leaning up to press a kiss to the corner of Shiro’s mouth. 

“I’m sure he’s over the moon, hon.” 

Shiro pulled Keith’s face in and kissed him again. Like everything Shiro did, his kisses were passionate, firm, and thorough. Keith loved it and moaned into his mouth as Shiro slipped his tongue between parted lips. Exploring Keith’s mouth, taking the time to taste everything, as his hands held his face, keeping Keith drawn in, intoxicated and surrounded. Until all that ran through Keith’s brain was _Shiro_ , _Shiro_ , and more _Shiro_. 

Panting, Keith pulled back, his hand coming back up to take Shiro’s, kissing along his knuckles. The man’s eyes were dark and hazy with want. But Keith pulled himself away before standing up. 

“Get dressed, we have to meet Allura and if you keep kissing me like that, I won’t be able to leave this room until tomorrow.” Keith winked, but was still trembling slightly as he pulled on his clothing. 

Shiro reached out and grabbed the shirt that he had just slid over his head and pulled Keith back to the bed. He rubbed his face along the creamy, pale skin on his belly where the shirt had slid up from Shiro’s tug. Shiro held him firmly in place while licking lazily across the flesh right below the band of his boxers. He looked up into violet eyes, with his own dark and hazy ones. 

“But Keith, I wanna do things to you…” His voice dropped down into that low, almost commanding tone. It did wicked things to Keith and he had to suppress a shiver that spread like fire through him. 

“Yeah?” He asked, nearly breathless. 

“Mmm… just a few more minutes. I’ll make you beg for it, love.”

Keith gasped, face flushing prettily all the way down to his neck and dipping below his shirt.

“Takashi!” 

“I love when you say my name, rolling off your tongue so sweet. Just imagine if it was _Lance_ saying _your_ name…”

“That’s low, Shiro.” Keith whined stepping out of Shiro’s hold. 

“Come on, let go, Allura’s gonna be _pissed_.” Keith turned and yelped unattractively, as he felt Shiro’s hand smack his ass, a promise for later. Keith raised his shoulders to his ears and went to put on his jeans, thoroughly ignoring his boyfriend.

Shiro looked put out but sighed rolling onto his back to look at the ceiling. 

“You’re right, fuck, okay let’s go.”

* * *

After the two were dressed they headed to the bridge. Allura, Coran, and Pidge were already there and waiting. Allura was bent over a screen with Pidge while Coran was quickly moving the star map to try and find something. 

“What’s going on?” Shiro asked as he came up to the console with the others. 

Pidge looked up and straightened their glasses. 

“We might have found an old Galra outpost that will have data on Matt and my dad’s whereabouts.” Pidge grabbed a tablet swiping on it a few times before handing it to Shiro. Keith looked over their heads to where Coran was still working the star map. He walked over and stood beside him to see where they were going. 

“Ah! Here we are, the Centaurus galaxy. They have an outpost there, on a small planet called Seran. Mostly abandoned and no threatening inhabitants. This should be fairly safe.” Coran played with his mustache in quiet thought, only narrowing his eyes once before looking at Keith briefly and then looking away. 

‘Fairly safe,’ Keith fought the urge to roll his eyes, when had he heard that before?

He went back to Shiro and the others and saw them pouring over the monitor and tablet in Pidge’s hand. 

“So, what’s the deal?” 

“Keith, can you go find Lance? I’m sure he’s in his room. Pidge, Hunk should be in the kitchen. We’re going to infiltrate a Galra outpost, but I want to explain it when everyone is here together. This might just work, but we need to leave soon.” Shiro rested a hand on Pidge’s shoulder and squeezed while smiling. He jerked his head over his shoulder which was a clear dismissal. 

Pidge headed off towards the kitchen and Keith made his way out the bridge and down the halls towards Lance’s room. 

* * *

He was thinking about Lance and that was a bit of a problem. Whatever this mission entailed, regardless of his feelings for Lance, he needed to stay focused. But this whole issue with Lance was starting to really weigh on him and Shiro. They needed to figure this out as soon as this was over. He didn’t want to wait any longer and he was already annoyed. The constant flirting with everyone that _wasn’t_ Keith and Shiro. The avoidance. The excuses. Keith was sick to death of it all. 

He shook his head and rounded the corner as he got to Lance’s room. He knocked on the white door and waited. He didn’t hear anything, that wasn’t completely unusual though because usually Lance was either in his room or with Hunk. He might be in the kitchen, but he for sure wasn’t in his room. Keith frowned and rounded the corner to loop back to the kitchen area. This side of the ship was curved and he would end up on the other side of the castle with the bridge, kitchen, living, and dining rooms. If he kept walking, he would reach the training deck. 

If he didn’t find Lance in the kitchen he would just head back to the bridge and tell Shiro to call through the ship’s communications, although he didn’t know why they didn’t just do that in the _first_ place. Shiro probably wanted to force Keith to engage more with Lance since they were planning to talk to him soon. But, it wasn’t like Keith didn’t _want_ to talk to Lance or hang out with him, Lance was just avoiding them. Keith just didn’t want to push Lance so hard that they lost him before they even got him. But Keith also wanted nothing more than to spend time with Lance. He just wanted this to all work out. 

Lance would probably be in a great mood after the call with his parents, the thought made Keith smile.

As he reached a larger turn, he finally saw Lance. He was standing inside the airlock, the same airlock where he had almost died when the ship went crazy and tried to kill them all.

Keith’s breath hitched and he ran forward as fast as he could. Did the ship malfunction again?! Was Lance about to be sucked into space?! Fuck! He finally reached the airlock and saw that Lance was just standing there, like with his eyes closed and smiling. 

What the _hell_ was going on?

He punched the release to open the door and reached in grabbing Lance’s bicep before pulling him back, the entrance sliding shut behind him. Lance stumbled and righted himself before looking into Keith’s eyes. Keith had never seen him look so vulnerable before in the entire time he knew him. But then it was gone, like if he had blinked a tick ago, he would have missed it. 

“What the hell, Lance?! Did you get locked in again??” He was breathing hard from running and the panic that had surged through his veins. 

“No, no I was just looking at the stars, dude. Let go of me!” Lance looked annoyed but his expression held more anger than it usually would have held. He didn’t _look_ like himself. He was paler than normal and trembling ever so slightly. Keith was worried, but also pissed off. Anytime someone pulled emotion from him like this he would feel embarrassed. Especially if he got all worried over the dumbass just wanting to look at the stars. 

“That’s why we have an observation deck, moron.” Keith let go of Lance’s arm and he seemed to deflate, and that scared Keith far more than his anger ever would have. 

“You’re an observation deck,” Lance muttered, stepping back, putting space between himself and Keith. Keith almost winced but shook it off. He didn’t know what was going on, but he needed to tell Shiro soon, what if Lance was getting sick or something? Or what if something else was going on?

“Come on, we gotta go, Allura has a mission for us.”

Keith started to walk down the hall, glancing back to see that Lance was following him and wasn’t going to make another smart remark. But when he looked back Lance wasn’t looking at him, he was looking at the airlock again.

This was strange. 

Walking back to the bridge was quiet. Too quiet. It was out of the ordinary for Lance not to be mouthing off or cracking some stupid joke. This sent off warning bells in Keith’s mind. 

‘Why was he like this?’

“So how was your family?” Keith’s voice was low and politely curious trying to get Lance to do something, _anything_ other than just walk in this tense, awkward silence. 

“It was good, I’m just really tired now.”

“Well we are probably going to have to suit up as soon as the briefing is over, so you better wake up. Don’t want you to slow us down,” Keith joked. 

Lance didn’t say anything. As they reached the bridge, Keith realized that any conversation he would have wanted to start would need to wait. 

* * *

“Good, there you guys are, we’re just getting started.”

Everyone was gathered by the star map and system as Shiro began to explain their plan of action for the mission. 

However, Lance was stuck in his head. Keith’s last words haunting him. 

‘Don’t want you to slow us down.’

‘Don’t want you to slow us down.’

_‘Don’t want you.’_

He felt sick again, he wished he had been just a little quicker. ‘Maybe if I didn’t look at the stars for so long and just opened the airlock.’

But the stars were so beautiful, he couldn’t help it. 

He heard bits and pieces of what they were talking about but tuned the rest out. This was reckless, he knew that. He knew he needed to focus, but he just felt so tired. Not in the, ‘I want to take a nap’ kind of way. But, the ‘my soul and bones are tired, I want to die’ kind of way. 

“Lance?”

He heard his name. He knew he needed to answer, to avoid suspicion. But he couldn’t shake his mother’s disgusted face from his mind. 

“Lance! Earth to Lance, anyone home??” Pidge’s voice raising.

“Yeah, what?” he looked up, his vision clearing and saw everyone staring at him, some looked annoyed, some looked concerned. 

“Did you hear _anything_ Shiro just said?” Pidge scowled, clearly frustrated. 

“No, sorry, what are we doing?” 

“You’re such a pain in the ass, we have to do this all over again now.” Keith was exasperated. 

The voice in his head was quiet, _‘He’s always angry at you.’_

Lance said nothing, he just _looked_ at Keith. 

Keith had the same thought twice in a small span of time, _‘Was Lance sick?’_

“Lance, we are going to a Galra outpost in the Centaurus galaxy. It’s located on the planet Seran. We believe the outpost has intelligence on the whereabouts of Pidge’s brother and father. You’re going to go in the green lion with Pidge and Hunk, since it has cloaking abilities, and guard them while they hack into the server to find what we need. Then retreat. Don’t hang around, just get out of there fast. Your job with Hunk is just to watch Pidge’s back, do not engage in a battle unless absolutely necessary. Keith and I will provide air support in Black to make sure nothing from above interferes. Allura will stay here with Blue to monitor the castle. The Galra have started to change how they protect their data. Ever since Voltron formed, they move their intel from base to base, so that it’s never concentrated in one area. This is why we have to move fast; we don’t know how long the information will be there. Got it?”

Lance felt bad now, he just told Pidge they would find their family and here he was spacing out during a briefing for a mission that could do just that. 

“What about Lotor? Like what if he shows up?”

“If you had been _listening_ , you would have heard that’s not an issue, he’s not even in this galaxy at the moment. Our sources say he’s on Alpha.” Keith said agitatedly. 

“Keith, that’s not helpful,” Shiro said with a warning. 

“Is it really the _best_ idea to pair up the only two Paladins who fight with long range weapons to guard Pidge? If it does get hairy in there and something happens, we are the _worst_ ones to engage in hand to hand combat. Shouldn’t we swap me or Hunk out for you or Keith? It would be good to have our leader there on the ground as well. Just to make sure everything goes smoothly.” Lance asked Shiro. 

Everyone in the room looked at him, gaping, like he had grown two heads. 

“What?! I thought that was a really good question!” Lance shot back frowning as he put his hands on his hips. 

“That’s why we are looking at you this way. Because you’re finally using your brain. Didn’t think you had one to be honest,” Keith said smirking, baiting Lance more than usual. Anything to get Lance to revert back to his normal behavior. But Lance didn’t rise to it, and his brows pinched at that. 

“But he does have a point, Shiro?” Pidge commented. Shiro looked at Lance and then at the others thinking. He can’t believe he missed this. He needed to focus more. 

“He does. Keith swap out with Hunk. This actually works because aside from the black lion the next largest is Yellow. So that way we can have muscle up in the sky. Plus, Keith’s the leader now, I’m just leading the tactical strategies so he should be with you guys.” 

Keith nodded, rising himself up to his full height, looking more serious. Shiro could still pilot Black, she would recognize him but she also knew that _Keith_ was her Paladin. Shiro still acted like the leader in the way that he talked and how he directed the others with orders. But that was just how Shiro _was_. It was his character. To be honest, it was good to have him and Keith both in charge in some way because they were excellent leaders in their own right. The team trusted them. Hunk turned to Lance and Pidge and looked slightly relieved to not be going into Galra territory. 

“Okay suit up, we have to go.” Shiro said heading towards the bridge doors. 

“Paladins be careful. This looks to be just an outpost but always be on your guard around the Galra.” Allura nodded to them, moving to jump the ship into a wormhole.

“That means you, Lance.” Once again, Lance didn’t say anything to Keith, or even acknowledge him. Instead he walked over to Pidge. Everyone frowned at that. Since when did Lance take the high ground? Since when did Lance not engage in a fight, especially when it was so easy or when it involved Keith?

Keith met up with Shiro at the door. Shiro gave Lance an odd look, but turned to exit towards the hangar.

“Hey, I’m sorry I spaced out there, I promise I’m focused and we will figure it out.”

Pidge sighed, but gave him a tight smile as Hunk put a hand on his shoulder in comfort. 

“Come on buddy, we can do it! The sooner we get in, the sooner we can find Pidge’s family and the sooner I can make some space spaghetti!”

* * *

“Shiro, I’m telling you something is _wrong_. I don’t think he should go on this mission.” Shiro’s frown deepened. 

On the way to the hangar, and out of earshot of everyone else, Keith had told Shiro how he had found Lance in the airlock. Shiro felt worry stab his gut as he thought about Lance getting sucked out into open space. 

As he thought about Lance _dying_. 

And then his behavior. Not fighting with Keith. Saying he was tired and being quiet. Even his own assessment of Lance not paying attention in the meeting. Ever since Keith became pilot of Black and leader of the team and Shiro took the position as head of tactical support, Lance had increasingly gained more confidence. He grew more serious during missions and focused on the work rather than the glory. Taking over Red had really matured Lance and he worked even harder making sure everyone else was safe. So, tuning out during a meeting? And then finding a flaw in the plan on top of that? Like a switch had turned on and off. 

“Listen, we’ll keep an eye on him. Maybe he’s sick like you said and he’s just a little off. He’s just guarding Pidge on this mission and no high ranked Galra should be there. If we are lucky it will just be sentries and Lance can absolutely handle that, even on a bad day. Plus, you’ll be there, and I know you’ll watch out for him.” Shiro gripped Keith’s shoulders firmly, before soothing up and down his arms. Keith sighed and stood on his toes to lean up and press his lips to Shiro’s, his own hands sliding up his chest gently. 

“I see how it is, I can’t be off _one_ time, but the lovebirds can make out when we have an important mission. Pretty sure if anyone is distracted, it’s you two.” Lance said brushing right past them. There was more bite to Lance’s tone than the couple had heard in a long while. Hunk looked confused and Pidge’s eyes were wide. Lance continued towards the green lion like nothing had happened and Shiro and Keith were floored. 

_What the fuck?!_

“Lance, cool it.” Shiro said to the retreating figure and Lance just waved his hand in acknowledgement without turning to look back. 

“I _told_ you,” Keith huffed. 

“It’ll be fine. As long as everyone focuses, and we don’t encounter any surprises this will go smoothly.” Shiro was, for the first time, not as confident as he sounded. Worried. Keith was the leader now, at least in terms of flight, and he would make sure everything was okay.

Keith gave him a flat look but continued to Black as Hunk and Pidge boarded the Green lion with Lance. 

Keith’s stomach flipped. He had a bad feeling. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Lance! I swear to god if you zone out one more time…” Pidge’s voice was strained with frustration and right in his ear as he jumped, closing off his thoughts. 
> 
> “I’m not zoning out! I’m thinking about the mission! I’m focusing!” He wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! 
> 
> Sorry for the delay, my Beta Mars works full time and barely has any time for herself let alone to help me with this story haha XD but she's great! I just try not to put too much pressure on her <3
> 
> This was SUPER HARD to write because I feel like I am TERRIBLE at battle scenes but oh well, it's a learning curve. 
> 
> Trigger Warnings: blood, cursing, violence, also creepy Lotor (Is that a tag?? cause I feel like it should be. Inappropriate Lotor? Idk Lotor is in this and makes... 'comments').
> 
> Enjoy!

“He cocks his pistols 'fore he pops his collar  
Oh he’s all but lethal pulling off that laser gun  
He’s rips the halos off of angels for the fun of it  
If all he ever does is smile at you… run.”

* * *

“We’re 60 ticks out til the drop. Pidge, you in position?”

Shiro’s voice was smooth over the comms as he gave them a deadline to reach the ground before attracting too much attention. They had been forming Voltron for years now, they had it down to an art at this point. Things still went wrong from time to time, but that was war. At least as soldiers they were well trained and able to handle themselves. They were better than the first deca-phoeb they were in space. Occasionally there were injuries. Pidge and Lance had been knocked unconscious more times than they would like to admit, Lance even dying, only to be saved by Allura. Keith had been stabbed 6 times over a handful of years. Hunk had been poisoned by a weird plant on an uninhabited planet and broke his arm when he went head to head with one of Lotor’s generals last spring (or what would have been spring if they had been on Earth). And Shiro, well, aside from literally dying and being held captive by the Galra, seemed to fare pretty well. He definitely had more than a few broken ribs, especially since he mostly used hand to hand combat.

But they were a team, and more times than not, their missions were a success. Lotor, however, was the bane of their existence. He was still roaming free causing chaos in the name of the Galra empire. And if Lotor wasn’t formidable enough alone, he was a crazy skilled fighter and intellectually brilliant, his generals were powerful and difficult to defeat on a good day. Then, there was Haggar, after Allura fought her the first time she remained a mystery. She was a pain in their asses. Always showing up, flashing from out of nowhere, or crawling from the shadows to try and hurt the Paladins. She was a loose cannon, it seemed even Lotor didn’t have a strong handle on the witch, making her even more dangerous. 

All of the Paladins had become stronger, but in war there was always risk. Every time they suited up and climbed into their lions could be the last time they ever did. Every time they ran into the fray could be it for them. Every breath they took on the battlefield could be their last. 

But that never deterred them from their work to help save the universe. They were all incredibly brave and loyal. Lance always felt lucky to have such wonderful teammates. But he still had the nagging feeling that he was dead weight sometimes. All of them had their strengths, and not for nothing but he wasn’t a bad fighter, but he didn’t feel up to par with the others. Especially Keith and Shiro. He felt like he was sort of the _goofy_ Paladin that made stupid jokes, the worst pilot, and wouldn’t shut up about missing Earth. 

Well, they wouldn’t have to worry about that last one anymore. 

He was never going back to Earth; Lance would make sure of that. Whether it was taking himself out or after the war deciding to stay in space, one way or another he wouldn’t go back. His heart plummeted in misery.

‘Maybe I’ll find a nice planet to live on. Maybe a place with a beach and warm weather.’

“Lance! I swear to god if you zone out one more time…” Pidge’s voice was strained with frustration and right in his ear as he jumped, closing off his thoughts. 

“I’m not zoning out! I’m thinking about the mission! I’m _focusing!”_ He wasn’t. 

Pidge’s eyes narrowed. Keith interrupted, pointing to a spot behind a cliff, near the outpost. 

“Shiro, we’re in position. There, right there, take us down, Pidge.” 

Keith was watching the taller boy and for the 100th time that night, Lance felt like shit. He kept getting distracted and he didn’t know what to do. Everything that had happened to him over the last day came crashing over him like a tidal wave and he was finding it hard to breathe again. 

‘Is this just a recurring thing now? Not breathing, when I, like, need it the most? This is freaking fantastic.’

He tugged on the top of his armor trying to let in some air, the tightness in his chest, feeling a dark emptiness encompassing him?

It physically _hurt_. 

He winced at the sting and turned to Keith. He was beautiful. So was Shiro, but in a different way. Keith was a rebellious flame burning too hot, the swirling galaxies of the midnight sky, the wind in your hair as you run, and the ache of passion in your bones. Shiro was a calm, rainy afternoon, the first rays of the sunrise, the cool dirt beneath your bare toes, and the butterflies in your belly when someone special smiles at you for the first time. They were perfect together and he just wished before he left that he could tell them. That they were made to be together and they should be happy, and he hoped they had a wonderful life. 

Everything he had ever wanted for himself. 

He moved his hand to lay over his heart as he took in a deep breath.

Lance needed to focus. He could mourn his lost life _after_ he had helped Pidge find their brother. 

“Are we close enough to be able to pull out in an emergency?” Lance asked, as he saw the long distance from the cliff’s edge to the Galra base. 

“Honestly, it's gonna have to be enough, any closer and they will pick up on our signature. Even with Green’s cloaking ability, the lion’s give off energy. It’s too risky to be any closer.” Keith looked regretful as he spoke.

The Green lion landed. They left the ship at a run and crouched behind nearby rocks. 

“Shiro, we’re in position to begin infiltration. Are we clear?” Keith asked into the comms, his hand ready on his bayard. 

Pidge stowed their tablet in their suit as Lance hovered over their side. This was a defensive tactic from the group training exercise they’d been doing for years. When they first started in that circle and their job wasn’t to protect just themselves but the Paladins around them, Lance had found it frustrating and difficult. But now he did it with ease, without thinking. He had to watch their backs, no matter what. 

“You guys are clear. remember: in and out. That’s it. Don’t engage, if possible. We don’t have Voltron for this, so be careful. Hunk and I will monitor you from up here.”

“Thanks, Shiro, come on, move forward, quick, right into that alcove.”

Keith, Lance, and Pidge ran from behind the rocks into the great shadow from the overhang that guarded the entrance to the looming black and purple facility. Pidge pulled the tablet out again and pressed something before holding it up to the hand scanner by the door. It pushed a white light onto the pad and the metal slid apart opening. Lance raised an eyebrow at them. 

“I figured out how to replicate their scans from Shiro’s arm, it’s perfect we can get into any place the Galra inhabit now.” They smirked looking pleased with themselves. 

“Big brain, tiny, gremlin body.” Lance grinned at their unamused flat look before pulling out his bayard and activating his sniper rifle. It wasn’t really the right weapon for charging into Galra territory normally. But since they shouldn't come across hordes of them, he felt it would suit him better. His aim would be more deadly and he had improved greatly the rate of his shots. Hearing it hum to life he moved in first, Pidge behind him, and Keith taking up the rear. A standard formation for just the three of them. Their hacker would be protected, their shooter would have the best field of vision, and their swordsman bringing up the rear would watch their six. 

Pidge looked through their tablet again as they ran down the first hall. 

“Turn right up ahead.”

More halls and they hadn’t met anything. No sentries, no Galra. ‘Was this place abandoned?’ Lance thought. That would be bad, if there was no one here that meant there would be no intel. The Galra weren’t in the habit of leaving sensitive information in bases that were unoccupied. 

“Why is there no one here?” Lance felt his skin crawl. Everything was weird, this wasn’t right. 

“I don’t know. Makes me uneasy. Shiro, are we still clear up above?” Keith frowned, eyes narrowing as they got closer to the center of the building.

“Yeah, nothing in the sky. Why? What’s wrong?”

“There’s no one here, we’re almost at the control room and there’s been nothing so far.” Keith seemed on edge, the hair on the back of his neck standing up. 

Lance focused ahead, eyes scanning the whole hall every time they turned. He searched for any sign of movement. 

Then it happened, the last bend before their destination, six sentries came pouring into the hall from a large ceiling vent, surrounding them on all sides. 

“Trap! This was definitely a trap! I fucking _knew it_!” Lance snapped before turning his rifle on the first one, deep breath in, eyes narrowed, then he let the breath out and squeezed. Its face exploded and the bot dropped. He turned just slightly to the left and then the right, sniping each one on his side easily.

Hearing the shots, they heard Hunk over the comms, “Guys! You okay? Oh no, Shiro, this was a bad idea!” Lance barked out a laugh at his best friend’s panicked voice. 

Turning he heard Keith grunting as he sliced through the midsection of the two sentries closest to him. They both whipped around to face the last one in time to see Pidge’s shock prod bayard drop the sentry, it clanged loudly as it crumbled to the ground. 

“You guys okay?” Shiro’s concerned voice echoed in their heads. 

“Yeah, just some sentries, we’re close.” Keith was looking forward, still behind Pidge.

“ _Just some sentries._ ” Lance parroted back with an eye roll. “You think anyone heard all that?” Lance asked Keith, almost sarcastically. 

“Shut up, come on! It’s right around this last corner.” 

They all booked it around the turn and came upon another set of large doors. Pidge opened them seamlessly and they filed into the room. 

“Fuck.” Lance cursed. 

They were not alone, and someone much worse than the sentries was standing in front of the control system blocking their way to the required information. 

“Lotor,” Keith growled as he went to move forward and Lance took the back position watching out for any newcomers to this new deadly situation. 

“I told you, _again_! Shiro, Lotor is HERE!” Lance growled as he eyed the area like a hawk. A muffled ‘shit’ came through the comms as Shiro swore and Hunk panicked. He couldn’t think straight with all this noise in his head. This all made so much more sense now, Lotor had taken out the Galra in the base before they got there. Clearly, he wanted something and this wasn’t the first time he had turned on his own to further his goals. The last ones they had encountered must have been the leftovers. Shiro yelled at them to retreat and to not engage.

 _‘Too late,’_ thought Lance as he looked to Keith.

Keith ignored his yelling as Lotor turned to face the Paladins. He smirked and held a glowing disc in his hand.

“What a pleasure, Voltron’s here I presume?”

“What are you doing with that disc??” Keith said defensively as Lotor stalked closer. They all felt the anxiety of being in this situation. They in fact did _not_ have Voltron. Shiro and Hunk weren’t here with them and they needed to get to the computer so Pidge could hack it and they could get out of here.

This was bad. Six ways to Sunday bad. 

“My dear Black Paladin, that’s for me to know and you to never find out.” He slid the disc into his armor and out of sight. Removing his sword, he stepped towards Keith before the smaller man lunged forward, their weapons colliding. Keith jumped as Lotor aimed for his legs. Missing, Lotor turned and spun to the side aiming for Keith’s back now. 

“Shit, Pidge, get to the computer and do what you need, I got you!” Lance yelled, aiming a shot at Lotor, but he hesitated. Keith and Lotor were so wrapped up in their fight, so close to each other physically that Lance was afraid he would hit Keith. 

Pidge nodded and ran to the console and plugged in the tablet before swiping through the data at lightning speed. Lance glanced back to make sure they were still okay before focusing on the fight in front of him. 

Keith was panting as Lotor drove his sword forward, slicing at the tender inner elbow where the armor was weak. Blood splattered out and stained the blade as Keith cried out, gripping his injured arm. He stepped back as Lotor advanced.

Panic flooded Lance’s veins and he took a deep breath. 

‘Focus, focus, _focus!_ ’ he thought. 

He levelled his rifle aiming for Lotor’s back, it was dishonorable, but the Galra prince was advancing on Keith faster than the boy could back away. His dominant arm had been injured and when he went to raise his sword to stop a vicious blow from Lotor, he flinched and his weapon went flying, transitioning back into its normal bayard form. 

He was defenseless and lurched forward with a harsh punch. His right arm coming up while he used the armor from his left to block the sword that swung horribly close to Keith’s head. His knuckles slammed into Lotor’s jaw and the prince staggered back. Keith, breathing hard, glanced at Lance who had moved position away from Pidge, leaving them open. His rifle was locked on Lotor but he hesitated, frozen into place. ‘What was going on?!’ Keith thought.

“Lance!” Keith was frustrated that he hadn’t taken the shot yet. 

“As entertaining as this has been, I tire of your attempts to try and fight at my level.” Lotor kicked Keith so hard in the chest that he was flung backwards and slid across the floor, groaning in pain. Lance could see his eyes pinched in pain and dark hair stuck to his forehead with sweat from exertion. Lotor stalked forward menacingly, sword drawn high as he swung for Keith’s head again. Keith rolled to the side, just barely missing being decapitated. Lotor swung again and Keith shot to the opposite side, He was losing. He couldn’t keep this up, the ache from his arm slowing him down. Lance moved trying to try to keep Keith in his line of sight. But now he was angled away from Pidge. It was risky, he was no longer directly blocking the Green Paladin but instead off to the side. Lotor kicked Keith in the stomach while he was down, making Keith choke. Blood dripped from his mouth. Lotor still had that same stupid smirk on his face that Lance wanted to knock off. Lance was furious watching Keith bleeding and bruised on the floor, dangerously close to death.

“Hey, asshole!” Lance yelled, getting the prince’s attention as he turned to see who was speaking to him so crassly. 

The second Lotor made eye contact, Lance let out the breath he had been holding and squeezed the trigger of the rifle, his eyes following the laser’s trajectory as it tore into Lotor’s chest plate. 

An attempted kill shot. 

Lance never did that; he never went for the kill. It wasn’t who Lance was, but over the past couple of days he realized that he didn’t really know _who_ he was anymore. But taking a life? It just wasn’t in him, but Lotor had been dangerously close to ending Keith’s life and a part of him just didn’t care. He needed to draw the Galra’s focus away, and if that meant killing him?

So be it. 

Lotor fell to the floor with the brunt of the attack. His armor held and he pulled himself to his feet, starting to pant. ‘It was a good shot,’ Lance thought, ‘At least it winded him.’

“Red Paladin… you’re a surprise.”

“The name’s Lance. Thought you should the name of the person who’s gonna take you out,” Lance’s shot back, no hint of the lighthearted boy his teammates knew. His face was serious, severe; finger on the trigger ready to shoot the Galra in front of him again. 

“But if you leave, I’ll let you live.”

Lotor laughed, still breathing a little heavy but tilted back in amusement. It wasn’t a pleasant sound, it made Lance’s skin crawl. 

“You’re testing my patience, boy. None of you are leaving here alive.”

"You're all talk... go ahead kill me. If you wanted to you would have done it by now." Lance said eyes focused on Lotor's. 

"Lance what the fuck?!" Keith was furious, disbelief washing over him. Lance was being reckless, challenging Lotor like this, he was gonna get himself killed. Keith grit his teeth and had started to stand up on shaky legs, slowly moving to reach his bayard. Lance grit his teeth. 

“I’m not gonna tell you again.” Lance said his eyes hardening and levelled through the scope of his rifle. 

"Guys! What's going on in there?" Shiro's voice came over the comms, angry and confused. 

Lance ignored him, ignored everyone around him and Lotor and stared at the prince. 

“Go ahead, shoot me. Do it. Take my head off with your next shot.” Lotor said challengingly, rising to Lance's own jab at his lack of desire to really kill the Paladins. 

Lance glowered, eyes narrowing slightly, but not pulling the trigger. 

“You can’t do it. You can’t kill me, you’re _weak_. This is war and yet you show me mercy. Your enemy. And you call yourself a Paladin. How can you hope to protect your teammates if you act like a coward?” He taunted him. Lance knew he was baiting him; knew he was saying it to throw him off focus. But, a part of him shattered because some of it was true. How could he be a Paladin? How can he protect his team when he can’t make the hard choices in battle? Everything came spilling back into his overloaded mind. His mother no longer loving him. Having no family. Watching the loves of his life find happiness with each other while Lance was left to pine, cry, and _rot_. All the self-doubts that had been stewing for years finally percolating to the surface, ready to spill out. He clenched his eyes shut tight before taking in a broken breath and reopening them. 

“I’m not a coward,” Lance said, some bite taken out of his words by his shaking hands.

“Got it!” Yelled Pidge as they shoved their tablet back into their suit. "Shiro we need to get out of here, it's too dangerous!" Pidge yelled through the comms. 

"Then get out, we'll be ready up above. This whole thing went to hell." Shiro was angry and frustrated, he could hear everything going on but couldn't leave the air support, not when they couldn't form Voltron. He felt helpless and Shiro hated it. 

Lotor saw the opportunity to take out the smallest Paladin and swung forward, aiming for Pidge while their back was still turned away from the battle. Lance squeezed the trigger again, hitting Lotor in the arm. He still came forward. Another shot to the leg. Nothing, he didn’t stop, gritting through the pain as his armor took a major beating from Lance’s laser blows. He was almost at Pidge when Lance dropped his bayard and lunged forward, his entire body weight colliding into Lotor’s side. They both toppled to the floor, Lotor’s hand still on his sword as Lance swore and aimed a kick at Lotor’s stomach, it wasn’t as strong from his position beside the prince on the ground. 

But the message was clear, ‘That’s for my friends.’ 

Lance grunted and went to grab for Lotor’s wrist trying to get him to drop the sword, but he surged forward, his head slamming into Lance’s so hard his helmet was thrown off and blood trickled down his forehead. His vision blurred and he felt queasy. He could hear Keith screaming something. 

“You’re a pain in my ass.” Lotor panted in the boy’s face. 

Pidge ran forward to Lance’s aid. They yelled and aimed their cable at Lotor’s arm, it wrapped tight around it and for a moment they all thought Pidge had immobilized Lotor’s sword arm. But their hopes were dashed when he growled and yanked hard, whipping his arm behind him, sending Pidge flying into a still injured, but finally standing Keith. They both crumpled to the ground, moaning as the whip released the Galran Prince’s arm. 

“Lance!” Keith cried out, starting to surge forward. However, he was stopped when a deafening blast from his right exploded, launching shrapnel all over the room. Keith turned and pushed his body over Pidge to protect them from the worst of the impact, crying out when debris dug into his back slicing through parts of his armor. What once was a wall was now a huge hole, Lotor’s ship hovering in the middle of the opening. Acxa was leaning out of the side airlock and yelling for Lotor to hurry up, something about them running out of time. Keith tried to shake off the feeling from his jarred bones hitting the floor _hard_. Checking that Pidge was okay he moved to get to his feet, looking to where Lance was, still on the floor with Lotor nearly hovering over him. Lance looked disoriented. 

Lance’s hair fell into his eyes for a moment before he leaned back trying to put some space between himself and the furious Prince. A large hand wrapped around his throat and before he could fully protest, he was yanked up, feet dragging off the floor when Lotor stood. 

“Hey-!” Gurgling, he felt dizzy again. The pressure increased, he tried to lunge forward, his hands were on the Prince’s wrist as he scrambled to lessen the grip 

“So, Lance, anymore quips? Any more confident words to get you out of this situation? Don’t you have anything else to say? Come on, you couldn’t shut up a second ago. I quite like you like this, nice and quiet. Obedient.” Lance felt his stomach roll at those words, ‘He was crazy. Absolutely fucking crazy.’

He kicked his leg forward hard and hit the Prince right between his legs. Lotor let out a shout and started to shake Lance so hard he felt nauseous. His throat was closing dangerously as his vision started to fade with black inky spots, darkness creeping in.

“Maybe I’ll take you with me, teach you a little respect. Teach you how to behave.” The hand that wasn’t around his throat reached up to push his blood-soaked bangs out of his eyes, almost tenderly, fingers dipping into the slick blood there, and then down to run over his jaw.

Lance heard Keith scream, in a tone he had never heard the boy use before as he snarled something like, “Don’t touch him!”

But Lance couldn’t be sure, he couldn’t focus on anything past the roar of fear and danger, danger, _danger_ in his ears. He felt sick.

Lance didn’t know what possessed him to do it. He didn’t think, he was scared and shut down and mad at the thought of being at Lotor’s mercy. He acted purely on instinct as he spit straight at the Prince’s face. A mix of blood and saliva slid down his cheek.

There was a moment of horrifying silence as Keith and Pidge held their breaths as they edged closer to Lotor and Lance. The only sound that filled the area was the hum of the Lotor’s ship. 

“Prince Lotor, we have to go NOW, we’re out of time!” Acxa yelled, still holding onto the airlock door, swaying above the hole in the Galra base wall. 

Lotor glared viciously, “I should run you through with my blade.”

Lance’s eyes went wide, as his struggling intensified. 

“Fortunately for you, I am out of time, and you’re just in the way.”

He shoved Lance so hard he flew back and his head cracked on the edge of the computer console, a dangerous amount of blood pooling on the floor where he lay. 

Keith cried out falling to his knees as he and Pidge finally made it to where Lance was laying, unmoving. 

“But, my dear _Lance_ , I’m not unkind. I’ll leave you with a parting gift.”

Keith whipped his head around and saw Haggar. It was like something out of a nightmare. The witch slinked from the shadows. Her foul hand stretched forward as she shot something directly at Lance, causing the boy to arch and hover in the air, screaming, a sound that Keith hoped he would never hear again, before crumpling back to the floor. 

“Lance!” Pidge cried out in terror and they reached out to touch Lance’s arm in fear. Keith grabbed Lance in his arms and lifted him off the floor. He watched as Lotor ran to the aircraft and Haggar disappeared into thin air. 

Lotor looked back and waved, but it was anything but a friendly gesture as he smiled wolfishly, “I _will_ see you again, Lance.”

The airlock shut and Lotor’s ship flew away into the night. 

Keith sprinted down the hall with Pidge close behind and on the brink of tears. Lance was barely breathing and blood was staining the white part of Keith’s armor. 

“S-Shiro! We need evac NOW! Lance, he’s hurt! We need to be sure it’s clear up there!” Keith cried out, not even recognizing his voice. 

There was a moment of silence and then they could hear Hunk in the background muttering a slew of no, no no’s. 

Shiro took a deep breath, composing himself, before speaking into the comms, “How bad is he?”

“We need to get him into a pod like 10 doboshes ago.” Keith said wincing as he slid out of the base and towards the Green Lion. 

“It’s clear up here, just-just bring him home, Keith.” 

The Black Paladin gritted his teeth and ran faster. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Wha-?” Lance mumbled, hands coming up to grasp at the warm bodies holding him. He shook his head as if trying to clear away dust and blinked a few times before looking up. 
> 
> The alert went out through the castle signaling the pod opening. 
> 
> ‘Is this heaven?’ He thought, exhausted, confused, and out of his head as he saw Keith and Shiro staring at him like he was the last beautiful thing in the world. He must be dead. That was the only explanation Lance could come up with in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, 
> 
> A faster update. I might have to leave my state to do something for a friend soon, but it shouldn't delay me in posting. I'll do my best! This chapter changed like 4 times so idk we'll see lol. Also thank you again to my lovely beta Mars (she hated me calling her S. So we changed it haha). 
> 
> TW: Blood  
> TW: Some smut? Idk how you would classify making out? I hate tags.   
> TW: Some suicidal thoughts.   
> TW: Cussing. I make them cuss a lot, it just feels right cause they are all older in this. 
> 
> If people end up liking this I might do a sequel with more Lotor drama. Not sure yet, if people want it I'm down cause I have ideas. Anyways enjoy! Thanks for reading :)

“What'd ya need these for?

Round here the cries die young

Fly momma, fly to where you come

Speak momma, round here the quiet die young”

* * *

Shiro felt physically ill when he heard Keith freaking out over the comms. Keith never lost his cool. Sure, he could get angry, aggressive, and be reckless on a _good_ day. But he didn’t lose control like when Lance was hurt. Shiro had seen all the sides of Keith and he knew there was a tenderness in there for Lance, one that he shared. 

He also knew that Keith would take a bullet for the boy. 

He had come so far from the kid that had been expelled at the Garrison. So far from the Keith that had saved Shiro out in the desert. Even far from the Keith that started as the Red Paladin. Now, he led the team and did so wonderfully. Sometimes there were mishaps, but that happened even when Shiro was in charge. No one was perfect and they all knew that. 

But, clearly, something had gone wrong on this mission. So terribly wrong that Lance came back bloody and unconscious. It scared the hell out of Shiro. Four days and Lance hadn’t emerged from his healing pod. Four days of Keith not sleeping, not eating, not doing anything. He would only sit in front of Lance, waiting. Shiro wanted to do the same, wanted to be there to catch Lance when he fell. But he needed to take care of everyone else while Keith fell apart. He could do that; he’d done it many times before. Just because Keith was in charge didn’t mean he couldn’t break down sometimes. He was there for him when the boy needed to worry and be soft.

Shiro made sure Pidge didn’t research for too long without a break. Shiro had a hunch that their red-rimmed eyes were not from staring at screens for hours. They were trying to dig up everything they could find on Haggar and going through the intel regarding their missing family. Trying to find out about Haggar was rough, there was next to nothing on her. It seemed the Galra kept who and what she was top secret. Lance appeared to have been hit with some kind of spell or energy, potentially making the healing process take longer. Whatever she did to him wasn’t good. Hunk had been crying ever since he’d seen Lance in Keith’s arms, wrecked and still. He tried to keep busy by working in the kitchen or talking to Coran. But he always found himself straying to the med bay to check in on his best friend. Coran was trying to set up a new way to boost the ship's magnetic forces, but Shiro had a feeling it was a ploy to stay distracted. Allura offered her worry about Lance and that she was sure he would wake up soon. But as days went by, Shiro got more and more concerned. 

Keith didn’t move. Only when Shiro physically forced him up and marched him from the room did the boy leave. He made him shower, made him eat, even tried to get him to sleep. But neither Shiro nor Keith could rest. Not until Lance came back to them. Keith’s face had been ashen when he carried Lance into the castle, blood smearing his suit. 

Shiro’s breath hitched and eyes went hard. Lotor and Haggar would both pay. Lance looked so small and helpless in Keith’s arms. His head had been split open at the back, red staining his soft hair and slipping down the back of his neck to disappear into his armor. His throat had purple and blue bruises from Lotor’s hand where he squeezed enough to almost kill him. Then the issue of whatever the witch had done to him… but that was still a mystery. 

Shiro sat against the wall in front of Lance’s pod, Keith between his legs, his back resting against Shiro’s chest. Shiro’s arms crossed over Keith’s front to hold the boy tight. He needed this: the feeling of being surrounded and protected. Keith always craved touches like this since he had been starved of them his whole life. 

“What if he doesn’t wake up?” Keith’s voice was soft and the fear that Shiro had been holding in for the last few days started to dig at his wall. He tightened his grip on Keith’s chest, squeezing almost painfully before closing his eyes and exhaling the breath he had been holding. 

“He’s gonna wake up, Keith. He’s gonna come out of that pod and we’re _both_ gonna be there to catch him.” Shiro’s words were hopeful, but his voice wavered slightly.

“But what if he _doesn’t_? What if he never knows just how much we-” The thought was too painful for Keith to finish. He felt like they wasted so much time when they could have told him long ago how they felt. Lance didn’t know how much they loved him before he… 

‘But he’s still with us,’ Keith thought. 

“Fuck!” Keith startled Shiro with his shout. 

“We should have said something! Shiro, we waited _too fucking long_. And now we may never get the chance, we might never get to tell him all the things we wanted to tell him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with both of you, and I hate this. I hate feelings and all this shit because it _hurts_ when you lose someone. And I thought I would be used to it with being alone my whole life, but then I found _you_ and then we found _Lance_. Only to lose him. I ca-can’t handle it.”

Shiro was floored. Keith, desperate and lost, putting his feelings out into the open. It was unheard of. Even when Keith opened up to Shiro it was in private, in the comfort of their room. Never out in the open like this, never so passionate and heartbreakingly sad.

Keith was crying, all his fears came spilling out.Shiro grabbed his chin and turned him to look into his eyes. 

“He’s not gone. He’s right there in that pod. We haven’t lost anything yet and you haven’t lost me, Keith.” Shiro whispered moving forward to press a gentle kiss to his boyfriend’s mouth. Sliding his lips against the smaller man’s and holding his hands firm over his heart. He tried to soothe him, tried to make him forget, just for a tick, the worry that threatened to percolate to the top of his limits and overflow. 

Keith reached up and put his own hand over Shiro’s and leaned his forehead against the older man’s. 

“I know, I know he’s here in front of us. I _know_ that. So why am I so scared?”

Shiro smiled and turned the boy to look directly into his eyes, “Because you care about him. And you don’t want to lose him.”

“He’s such a jerk, I’m gonna kick ass when he gets out of there just for making us worry,” Keith grumbled snuggling in deeper to Shiro’s embrace. 

“There you go. That’s the spirit, Keith,” Shiro snorted, glad that Keith was acting like this. It meant he wasn’t on the verge of a complete break down at the moment. 

“He was so brave. You should have seen him, Shiro,” Keith said a smile creeping its way onto his face. 

‘Everything is going to be okay,’ Shiro thought. 

“I mean Lotor was about to kill me and he just _shot_ him. Called him an asshole too… it was craz-”But Keith’s words cut off as he surged off the floor, Shiro close behind. 

The pod was opening. 

Lance’s eyes were hazy and unfocused as he fell forward into Keith and Shiro’s arms. The men’s grip tightening on him to be sure he didn’t crash to the floor. 

“Wha-?” Lance mumbled, hands coming up to grasp at the warm bodies holding him. He shook his head as if trying to clear away dust and blinked a few times before looking up. 

The alert went out through the castle signaling the pod opening. 

‘Is this heaven?’ He thought, exhausted, confused, and out of his head as he saw Keith and Shiro staring at him like he was the last beautiful thing in the world. He must be dead. That was the only explanation Lance could come up with in his head. 

And then they both opened their mouths to speak, words tumbling over each other. 

“Hey, you’re okay?”

Do you remember what happened?”

“You were injured when-”

“Lotor-”

‘Goddamn it,’ Lance thought, going to pull himself away from the men he had wanted for so long. He was alive and frustrated. He cut them off, still trying to stumble away, not wanting them touching him. It _hurt_. Hurt to be so close to them but so far away. He couldn’t _have_ them, and it made him so angry, frustrated, and hopeless. He should have just died. Fucking gone out trying to save his friends. But he was still here. Here with these feelings that broke him down into nothing but bones and ash. He said the first thing to come out of his mouth, interrupting Shiro’s words. 

“Fuck, you mean I really didn’t die?”

Both heads snapped back as Lance leaned heavily against the healing pod, one hand on the glass the other outstretched to keep them at bay and away from him. 

“What the fuck, Lance?!” Keith said, the anger he had been holding in washed over the worry and boiled to the surface.

“Lance, why would you say that? We don’t understand.” 

Lance sighed. This was a pain to him. having to keep all his feelings in when he wanted to explode. 

“Nothing, I’m just out of it, Shiro, I’m fine.” _He wasn’t fine. Hadn’t been fine for a while_. 

Shiro went to open his mouth and Keith glared, surging forward but before anything else could happen there was an excited gasp from the door to the medical bay as Hunk, Pidge, Allura, and Coran all ran in. 

“Lance, you’re awake!” Hunk whooped, grabbing Lance and spinning him around ridiculously. 

“Hunk! Hunk, my head still hurts, easy big guy,” Lance said, holding onto Hunk’s shoulders for support before his best friend put him back on the ground, smiling sheepishly. 

“Yeah, Hunk, don’t kill the boy, we just got him back,” Pidge said, smirking. But there was something else there, immense relief. They walked forward and punched Lance in the shoulder, hard. 

“Don’t ever do that shit again! I was fucking worried about your skinny ass.” Lance laughed and Hunk rolled his eyes. 

“Oh, so _I_ can’t hurt him, but you can?” 

“Hey, how about no one hurts him,” Shiro said, still looking confused next to a quickly growing livid Keith. 

“Lance, my boy, we are so grateful that you’re alright. You were in there for 4 quintants.” Coran said as Lance blinked at that. He just hit his head. He was confused why it took so long. 

“Uhm really? I thought I just got banged up a little?” He was met with unamused looks from everyone. 

“Lance, your head was cracked open, you had damage to your larynx, and Haggar did some kind of magic on you. We think it was the magic that kept you in there so long. We weren’t sure you were gonna wake up, it was touch and go for a while,” Allura said, looking at him gently. 

Lance reached up to touch his throat, it was still tender, and he could feel a wave of fear slide over him, almost as if he could still _feel_ Lotor’s hands choking him. He was pulled from his thoughts by Keith, well, being Keith. 

“This is _nice_ and all, but I am really interested in what Lance said before you all got in here.”

“What? What happened?” Hunk said, looking confused. 

“Nothing! Guys, I was just confused. I didn’t really realize where I was and thought I had died.” Keith looked annoyed. He clearly knew there was more to it than that. 

“Why are you lying? You clearly aren’t fine. Your behavior has been off since I found you in the airlock. Then you spaced out during the meeting. And then you act completely reckless during an important mission and engage with Lotor when you knew you weren’t supposed to.” Keith glared and stalked closer to Lance. 

“Wait, what about an airlock?” Pidge said, looking from Lance to Keith. 

“It’s nothing!” Lance said quickly. 

“It’s _something_! Obviously, something is going on!”

“Dude! I was looking at the STARS! I already told you this!” 

“In an AIRLOCK?!” Keith spit, pushing his hand hard against Lance’s chest, shoving him further against the pod. 

“Why are you being a dick?! I saved your ass back at that outpost! You can be reckless, but I can’t? We weren’t supposed to engage, you got one look at Lotor and charged in like a bull! I saved your ass; he was about to take your head off! How can you be mad at me?! Only one hot head on the team at a time, right?!” Lance’s chest heaved under Keith’s hand, face red with anger. 

“This isn’t helping!” Shiro yelled, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, voice stern but clearly still concerned. He went to grab Keith’s shoulder to pull him back, but Keith snarled and shoved him off, moving so his arm was against Lance’s chest pinning him there. 

“Fine! Next time I’ll leave you to die. Sorry I saved your stupid life!” Lance was angry, but his voice broke at saying that to Keith. He was being a bully right now, but Lance still cared for him. 

“No. You know what. I would do it again. And again, and again and again. I wouldn’t change a single thing I did because it was the right thing to do. I saved you and Pidge, and I don’t regret that!” Lance pushed at Keith’s arm again, but it held firm. 

“Yeah? Well, we didn’t _need_ your help!” Keith knew he wasn’t making any sense; he was just desperate trying to reach some kind of conclusion about Lance’s strange and dangerous behavior. 

“Uhm… I did,” Pidge said, raising their hand from the sidelines. Hunk frowned; this was a mess. Lance just woke up, people should be happy, and thankful he was okay. And here these two were going at it as usual. He sighed and glanced over at Coran and Allura, both stood still, looking shocked at the argument. 

“See?! Pidge isn’t all over me about saving them! It’s just you!”

“Because you seem to have a death wish!” Keith spat in his face. The room was silent except for Lance and Keith’s ragged breathing. Everything came rising to the surface and Lance was just over it, over all this shit. It was too much for him to handle. He was so tired. He felt his final restraint snap. 

“Yeah, well, maybe I do!” He blurted, throwing a punch at Keith’s jaw causing the boy to stumble back and release his hold. 

The air was charged, silent, except for Lance and Keith panting from the intensity of their fight. Then all hell broke loose. 

“What?!” was the collective response. Allura was yelling and looked upset. Coran’s mouth was hanging open in shock. Hunk looked like he was about to cry and in dire need of a hug. Pidge’s eyes widened behind their glasses and their face scrunched up in anger and worry. Keith was shaking and yelling. And Shiro, Shiro was pissed. 

“Why the fuck would you say that?!” Everyone looked shocked at that. He had never used that kind of language and, especially, never at any of them. It was scary, he looked like a hurricane, strong and unyielding as he stepped forward to reach out for Lance. Lance backed away, like he was afraid he’d be burned, eyes wide. 

“Y-you know what I mean! We’re Paladins of Voltron, we could _die_. It’s part of the job description. I just mean the universe has to come first.” Lance had almost blown everything up for himself. If they knew… if they _knew._ They would never leave him alone again. Hell, they probably wouldn’t let him pilot Red anymore either. Maybe they’d just dump him on some planet, finally leave him alone. He couldn’t tell anymore if they actually cared about him, or Voltron, or whatever. 

“Lance, your life matters. Regardless of Voltron and the universe. We all care about you and need you. Just because this war is dangerous doesn’t mean you can go running into things without worrying about dying. You still need to be cautious,” Allura said, taking up the lead of speaking since everyone else still looked upset and most of them didn’t know what to say. Keith knew if he opened his mouth, he would lose it again. 

“I get that. But their lives were in danger, and I don’t regret it. Any of you would have done the same thing,” Lance said, dismissing the issue. And he was right. None of them could disagree with him. 

Shiro looked shaken but let out a breath deflating. Keith crossed his arms across his chest and stared at Lance. The room became slightly less suffocating and Lance went to move towards the door of the med bay. 

“What about Lotor being a creep?” Keith asked. 

“I mean, he’s always creepy, I don’t know what you want me to say.

“Well, he touched you and said he would see you again… so what the hell is that all about?” Keith asked, some heat returning to his voice. The rest of them had heard the story, Lotor’s obscene comments, his hands that slid down Lance’s face. His threat to return. They were all disturbed by it. But to be fair, Lotor was creepy most of the time. 

“Man, I don’t know, I’m not Lotor. He threatens us all the time, he attacks us all the time.”

“Not like that,” Keith said, giving Lance a ‘we’re gonna talk about this later’ kind of look. 

“Guys. I’m _exhausted_. I haven’t had real beauty sleep in days, I’m gross and smell bad. I just want to shower and go to bed. Can we grill me more tomorrow, please?” Lance asked, his voice desperate. 

“Wait, Lance, Haggar-”

“I’m not dead yet, whatever that witch did can wait till tomorrow. Come on, Allura, if anything crazy happens, you guys will be the first to know. Giant spaceship remember? Not like I can _go_ anywhere.” Lance huffed cutting off Allura’s train of speech, his eyes red and starting to blur from overtiredness. 

Shiro took control, sighing and stepped forward again, “Okay, everyone should actually get some sleep. It’s been a lot the last few days. Get some rest and we’ll move training to tomorrow afternoon instead of the morning.”

“Lance, get some food and shower then meet me at our room.” Shiro said motioning at him and Keith, his voice leaving absolutely no room for argument. Lance groaned and looked wary but nodded before following the others out of the room. Hunk was talking about the food he was gonna make for Lance and Lance was grateful to be able to get out from under such scrutiny. But he still dreaded seeing Shiro and Keith again, especially after that fight. Especially when it was _their room_ , where they got dressed, slept together, had sex, where they lived as a perfect couple. It was just a reminder of the soul-deep loneliness that consumed Lance. 

Coran went to put a hand on Lance’s shoulder and he flinched slightly, hoping the man didn’t notice. He laughed and made a joke. _Just in case._

Pidge and Hunk went with Lance to the kitchen. Pidge caught Lance up on the intel they had gathered, apparently it was useless. That made Lance’s shoulders sag. It had all been for _nothing_. His teammates almost getting killed, his sacrifice to help. All for nothing. 

He really was useless. 

Hunk was piling food on his plate which he mostly just moved around to give the impression he ate more than he had. His stomach felt like lead and every bite was flavorless and empty. He didn’t want to eat; he wanted a shower and some goddamn _sleep_. 

"Hey, thank you." Lance looked over at Pidge in surprise. 

"You know, for saving me. I'm grateful really, I'm sorry that you got hurt because of me."

"No, no Pidge, hey it's okay. I'm glad I did it and I'm perfectly fine. Like I said, I would do it again." Lance smiled at Pidge, a real smile. One of the first real ones in a while and Pidge grinned. 

Lance went back to his food and sighed. 

“Lance, you need to eat more than that, buddy.” Hunk’s tone was kind but firm. 

“I know, I am just not that hungry. Come on Hunk, I wanna sleep,” Lance whined. 

“God, just let the poor boy go to bed. Plus, he smells.”

“Two words. Grem. Lin.” Lance held up two fingers in succession and Pidge glared at him flatly. 

“Have a good sleep princess!” Pidge laughed as he walked away flipping them the bird without looking back. 

‘Finally, some _peace_.’

“Fuck,” Lance blurted out as he stared at the scene in front of him, his heart stuttering terribly.

He had just walked around the bend to head to his room to take a shower and finally get some sleep, when he saw Keith pushed up against the door of his and Shiro’s room. The boy was flushed and panting, Shiro mouthing at his neck, sucking what was sure to be a dark bruise. Keith’s hands fisted desperately into the back of Shiro’s black shirt, trying to pull himself closer, as if he wanted to melt into the larger man’s body. Shiro groaned, large hands tangled in Keith’s hair tubbing at the strands. A soft cry ripped itself from Keith’s throat and Lance’s face burned. He shouldn’t be seeing this. It was invasive. It was wrong. But it was so fucking hot. He covered his mouth with one hand, trembling slightly. Seeing this made his chest ache with the longing that he had been trying to bury. This was his worst nightmare; he had always told himself if he could wish for anything it was not to see _this_. He didn’t want to be forced to witness them together like this. He could support their relationship, be a good friend, and be happy for them. But he didn’t want to see it. And if that made him selfish so be it, it was self-preservation. And at the moment that thread was dangerously close to shattering. 

At his exclamation however Keith’s darkened eyes widened, and he tapped Shiro on the shoulder hard. Shiro looked annoyed but looked up. Shiro had been trying to help Keith let off some steam after the fight with Lance. He wanted Keith calm when they tried to talk to him. He loved Keith like this, strung out and breathy under his ministrations. It was always beautiful watching his boyfriend break apart under his hands. So Shiro tried to _distract_ him. And it had been working. That is until Keith hand hit Shiro’s back trying to pull away and Shiro looked around. 

Lance was standing there, his eyes looked sad and wrecked as he pressed a hand up to the wall by his bedroom. 

“Lance!” They both cried out starting to untangle themselves and move towards him. Lance bit his lip, shaking his head looking away, and placed an unsteady hand onto his door pad. He slipped inside ignoring their pleas knowing they couldn’t enter his room when it was locked. He pressed his back up to it, hearing them knocking before sliding down to the floor, hands pressed to his face.

His mask cracked just a little more.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> Sorry this took a little longer than usual. Life has been so weird lately. Anyways, thank you again to my beta Mars for this. I pay her in kimchi fried rice and she loves me for it. Also, I listened to Lung by Vancouver Sleep Clinic a lot while writing this one. Also a few others like Michl, Jaymes Young, and Matt Maeson. Some great artists, also some sad ass music. Next chapter we find out what Haggar did! 
> 
> TW: blood  
> TW: suicidal talk  
> TW: cussing
> 
> Enjoy!

“Living just comes with a bit of heartache

Heartache comes with a bit of young faith.”

* * *

“How long until it works?” 

Haggar seeped from the shadows to stand behind Lotor. 

The violet light vibrated against the black ship as the prince looked out from the large window of the ship into the vast universe. 

“Not long now, as soon as the paladin activates it.”

A sharp look from Lotor, cruel and disbelieving. 

“And you’re sure it will work?”

“You doubt my powers after all this time?” Haggar looks unimpressed but carefully submissive. 

“No, no I don’t. We can’t afford any mishaps. He can’t slip between my fingers.” He clenched his right hand into a fist, as if to demonstrate his point. 

“He won’t. He’s already trapped, he just doesn’t know it yet.”

Lotor’s grinned, wicked and wolfish. 

“Whatever he most desires… he will never have.”

* * *

To say Shiro was concerned would be a gross understatement. 

Yesterday everything had gone to hell. From Lance waking up, to the huge fight Keith got into with the boy, and then finally when things seemed a little less crazy; Lance had walked in on them together. 

That was not part of Shiro’s plans. He had just been trying to distract Keith. The shorter boy was a complete wreck. He had pushed against Shiro in anger, shoving at his boyfriend. He didn’t understand why Lance had become so reckless, completely disregarding his own life. He was grateful he was saved, but that didn’t excuse his behavior. Everything was just _weird,_ and Keith wasn’t coping well. So, when Keith had started to tear up in anger or sadness or frustration (whatever it was), Shiro pushed him against the wall and kissed him, to try and short-circuit his overworking and over worried brain. 

Shiro had the best intentions and it backfired miserably. 

Lance had looked so _broken._ He looked like he was about to cry, and Shiro didn’t really know what to make of that. He wondered if it was their fault, or if Lance just had a really terrible day and was exhausted. He couldn’t think of any real reason that he would react that way specifically, like someone had shot him through the heart. 

‘Did he have a thing for Keith? Was he into his boyfriend and just had never said anything?’ Shiro didn’t know, but that thought made his own heart ache. ‘What if Lance only likes one of them?’

That wouldn’t work at all. Unless Shiro gave Keith up. Shiro didn’t even want to think about that. He just had no idea why Lance was so upset and it scared him. When they both stumbled out of their haze and called out to Lance trying to catch him before he went into his room, the look of sorrow on his face floored Shiro and Keith and the door shut in their faces. 

But Lance had locked them out, and although they stayed there, knocking and speaking to him through the door, it remained shut. 

* * *

Lance never came down to breakfast the next morning.

Or lunch.

Or training. 

No one had seen him and their group session had been abysmal in his absence. No one could focus. No one wanted to be working when they had no idea what was going on with Lance. The air was thick with worry. 

Their back to back training simulation was the worst they ever did, including the first time. Keith went down first because Hunk was so distracted he hadn’t caught a shot that hit the boy square in the chest. Then Pidge, then Hunk, and finally Shiro fell through the floor. 

They all stood there, looking completely lost. 

“I’ll try and talk to him. You’re all dismissed,” Shiro sighed, before heading for Lance’s room. 

* * *

Lance hadn’t slept all night. 

He was a complete mess, exhausted, but his body just wouldn’t let him _rest._ He didn’t feel _well_ , even though he had been in a healing pod for longer than he wanted to think about. He didn’t feel _okay_. Raw like an open nerve, sick but not sick. He didn’t know how to describe the feeling, except that it was just a feeling. 

He showered last night, his hands against the wall, crying. Trying to expel the poisonous sadness he felt from watching Keith and Shiro together. He suffered mournfully at how fucking _good_ they looked together. How he would never have that, not just with them but with anyone. 

But he _wanted it_. 

Still, even though he knew his mama hated him for it. Even though he knew they were together. This had been haunting him for phoebs. He couldn’t _have_ them. He needed to stop. He needed to get his shit together. But he still cried, still grieved something that would never be his. 

But even that felt wrong and dirty. 

Pining after people that were in love. ‘Fuck, why are you like this?’ he thought to himself as the cold water washed over his sobbing body. 

On top of his feelings for them, he had almost slipped up. Almost gave away that he wanted to die. That he was going to try _again_ to kill himself. They almost saw what he had been desperately trying to hide. 

He couldn’t be reckless on missions anymore, at least until he figured out how to do this. He couldn’t act out of the ordinary. The thought of that made him laugh mirthlessly. He already was acting strange. 

Clearly, Keith had caught on. 

For a brief moment during that fight he thought Keith genuinely cared. Not just that he was his rival and getting more attention. Not that he was being the martyr and saving everyone. Or that Keith felt embarrassed that he hadn’t been able to fight Lotor (not that Lance was able to either). Or that he, as a leader, let Lance down. No, it felt like he actually cared about Lance for just a tick. 

But obviously that wasn’t the case because a while later he’s making out with his boyfriend in front of Lance’s room. 

“Fuck,” he said into the dripping glass, his fists clenching. 

Lance had finished his shower and crawled into bed. Trying to sleep, but sleep wouldn’t come. He couldn’t shut his brain down, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary for him. He had a fast mouth and even faster mind. It never slowed down unless he was completely exhausted and content. He was exhausted, that was for sure, but he wasn’t content. 

He was at war with himself. 

So, he had been frozen on his bed. Lifeless and still, like he was just a body in a casket about to be buried 6 feet under. We had wondered briefly if they would bring his body back to his family. If his mother would even accept it. If she would bury him with the rest of the family, or if he would end up as ashes tossed carelessly to sea. 

Lance had curled in on himself at that moment, whining, as tears tracked down his cheeks. He stayed like that the whole night, well after his tears dried. Only when his alarm went off did he crawl from his bed, throat dry and raspy from his crying. 

He had gone to his bathroom, stared at himself in the mirror and almost broken down again. His eyes were red, cheeks pale, and he had horrible dark bags from lack of sleep. Sighing, he went back to his room and pulled on a pair of loose blue soft pants, which on Earth would have been comparable to sweatpants, and a cozy black sweater. It wasn’t his, it must have been sent the wrong person when the ship cleaned their clothing. It was too big, and one of the shoulders kept slipping down and the sleeves just went past his hands. Lance pushed them up more to pool around his wrists and ran a hand through his chestnut hair which was still getting longer. He felt a chill slide through him and if he had to guess the sweater was most likely Shiro’s. 

He didn’t know how that made him really feel. 

But it was clean and warm and he was comforted. Especially, when he felt so cold. 

He paced around his room for hours. He missed breakfast, lunch, and training. He didn’t even know what time it was, just that he liked being alone in his room. It was safe when everything inside of him was in turmoil. 

His room was private. Only Hunk had ever been inside of it before and not very often. Usually, they all congregated in the common room or the dining hall. The only people that usually were in rooms that weren’t their own were Shiro and Keith. The others all liked their own space. Lance had been in Pidge’s room once before and it was so terrifying that he never went back. They were a hot mess, wires and circuit boards all over the place, he didn’t even know if they could find their own bed. Hunk’s room wasn’t really neat or messy. It was more of a mix. But Hunk had less _stuff_ than Lance did. 

Lance’s room was his sanctuary.

It had things he had collected from their various travels on his shelf. He had it spread out in a way that showcased everything he loved from his exploration with Voltron. His clothes were tidy and folded in their respective places and his Bayard rested on his bedside table, always there in case he needed it. On his desk was a tablet (they each had access to one) and a small chair sat in front of it. But the best part of the room was the window. 

On the opposite side from the door next to his bed was a large window and an Altean-type bench beneath it. It showed the stars floating by peacefully and it was Lance’s favorite place to be, besides next to Shiro and Keith. 

He had also collected alien plant life from some of the planets he’d visited and kept them hanging around the window. There was obviously no sunlight and some of them didn’t need much to live, but he liked the plants being by the window, nonetheless. One large pretty, ruby colored flower hung from the ceiling to rest in the arch of the window. Another one had white vines that wrapped around a sunset orange succulent kind of bud and was hanging in the window. It was like a little slice of home, having the greenery and the stars. His own place. 

He would miss it. 

Lance sighed. He didn’t know what to do. There was so much guilt associated with thinking about killing himself. Technically, Voltron could continue because he was an extra paladin. Technically, they could save the universe without him. But a part of him felt he was abandoning his sacred duty and that Red had chosen _him_ , just like Blue had. He felt that _meant_ something. 

But then he thought about his mama and it all became even more confusing to him. She raised him, she took care of him and made sure he was loved. And then she took it all away. 

No. 

_No._

_He did that._

Not her, it was his fault. Lance knew that. So maybe he could find a middle ground? If he just couldn’t take his own life maybe he could banish himself. Leave Voltron, join the coalition and fight, then find a nice planet to live out his days on. 

He could do that. If he decided to live. But he was barely alone. And with Keith being all suspicious, he didn’t know if he would have another chance like he had in the airlock. 

Thinking about it made Lance’s head hurt. 

He walked to the window and sat on the bench; arms wrapped around his knees as he rested his head on his arms. He looked out at the stars as a few stray tears slid down his face. He was hollow. 

He felt lost, but at least the stars were beautiful, and he could find a little peace in that. 

* * *

Shiro arrived at Lance’s door and did something he had never wanted to do since joining Voltron. He used his override card to open Lance’s door. 

He hated that he had to do this, because it was a complete invasion of privacy, but the boy hadn’t come out all day and he needed to be sure he was okay. Especially since he had just come out of a long stint in a healing pod. 

Sighing with regret, the door swished open quietly. 

Shiro was momentarily frozen by what he saw. 

Lance was sitting on the sill in front of the large window. His knees were pulled up to his chest and his head rested there staring at an angle out at the stars. An overly large sweater slid off one thin caramel shoulder and Shiro could see the tears falling down his face. He looked young in that moment, young and sad and Shiro couldn’t help but notice how beautiful he was as well. It felt wrong, intruding on this moment, but it was too late. 

Lance looked up and Shiro had the wherewithal to look sheepish before smiling. 

“Shiro?” Lance said, his voice was small, but he sat up and pulled at the sweater to adjust it.

“Hey, you,” Shiro said, in a low rumble. _God_ his voice _did_ things to Lance. 

“Sorry, you didn’t come out of your room today and everyone was worried. To be honest I didn’t think you’d let me in, so I unlocked the pad. I don’t mean to intrude. Can we talk?”

“Sure,” Lance said, turning so his legs fell over the edge of the bench and sat up a little taller. He was nervous, he felt like he was about to get another lecture. And that was the worst thing from Shiro because it tasted like disappointment.

Shiro moved farther in the room to sit on the bed. He hadn’t expected Lance’s room to look like this. Neat, with little knickknacks. Plants, hanging over his head as he stared at Shiro. He looked exhausted and cautiously expectant. 

“Are you okay?” Lance nearly laughed because; what a loaded question.

Was he?

“I’m fine, I’m sorry about the mission… I-I shouldn’t have been so reckless. I know that, Keith was right.”

Once again Shiro felt floored. Lance was acting so out of character. And at the same time, it was like whiplash. One second he’s upset and angry at Keith, the next he’s crying and agreeing with their leader. Shiro shook his head dismissively. 

“I’m not upset about that.”

Lance gave him a pointed look.

“Okay. Maybe I am. But not in the way you think. I’m just worried because you almost died. You almost died; Keith is saying you’re acting weird. You’re angry one second, sad the next. You’re not yourself Lance and everyone is concerned for you.”

Lance didn’t realize he had been so transparent. He thought Keith had just been acting like a dick. But apparently the others were catching on. 

“Shiro, I’m okay, I promise.” _Lie_.

“I’ve just been really tired and after the fight with Lotor I wanted a break.”

“You’re not eating, Lance.” 

“I know, I’ll eat dinner. I just haven’t felt hungry, sometimes I get like that.” Lance explained. 

Shiro knew that was a lie, but he let it slide, there were other issues more pressing than that. As long as Lance started eating again, he would drop it. 

“Is this about your family? Because you were fine before that. Are you homesick? Because that’s understandable, we’ve been up here for a long time,” Shiro said kindly. 

Lance felt jarred. He didn’t want anyone to know. It was bad enough he knew what had transpired with his mama. It was bad enough that he had to bear this burden. He knew Shiro, and the last thing he wanted was the man’s pity. 

“I’m a little homesick, but really it’s okay, Shiro. If anything I’ve felt out of place on the team. Especially after the battle with Lotor.”

Shiro went to open his mouth, but Lance raised a hand to stop him. 

“I know you guys don’t blame me. I get that. But if you had been there instead of me, that wouldn’t have happened. Keith wouldn’t have gotten hurt and Lotor wouldn’t have gotten away. I know, I _know,_ you’ll say that’s not true. But it is. If you were the leader again, the Black paladin, and Keith moved back to Red and Allura kept Blue then everything would be okay. You guys could save the universe and it would be fine. I never really fit here, at least it doesn’t feel that way.” Lance took a breath, looking down at his fingers. 

Shiro could feel his heart hammering in his chest. Lance really _felt_ this way? Completely unworthy out and _worthless_? The word left a bitter taste in his mouth as he thought about how far Lance had come and how strong he was. Shiro loved this boy, and he had such a low opinion of himself that it scared Shiro.

“You’re an idiot.”

Lance’s head shot up, mouth hanging open in shock. Shiro had never spoken to him like that. But he looked so serious and then he smiled. 

“You’re wrong. We _need_ you. You are the heart of this team. Without you, who would try all of Coran’s concoctions? Who would learn more about Altea from Allura just because it makes her _smile_? Who would help make sure Pidge eats and banter with them to keep them from getting sad or angry? Who would push Keith to train harder, to stay on his toes? And if you weren’t here then my days would feel emptier. We care about you Lance. You’ve fit right here, since the beginning. The first paladin. Stop selling yourself short. If you don’t like something then we can work on that, but don’t give up.”

“Jesus, Shiro…” Lance whispered in awe. 

Lance had felt his eyes watering and Shiro’s cheeks were dusted with a light pink. He didn’t know that anyone noticed that much about him. He didn’t notice that all this time Shiro was paying attention, that he was watching. 

Shiro’s eyes were pleading, as if imploring Lance to believe him. For a moment he did, and he was grateful. Grateful that Shiro said those words to him. Because he needed to push himself to appear normal again. This was the perfect opening. 

Plus, it was _really_ nice to have Shiro notice him for once. 

Lance reached out his hands and covered Shiro’s. Shiro felt how small his hands were and frowned. 

“Thank you, really, Shiro. That meant a lot to me. I’m just hitting a rough patch. I’ll turn it around,” Lance said, giving Shiro a genuine smile. 

Shiro felt out of sorts for a moment seeing Lance smile at him like that. Blinding and caring and stunning. Shit, he and Keith were in over their head with Lance. 

Shiro lowered his eyes and noticed the sweater that Lance was wearing. 

“Hey, is that my sweater??” Shiro asked, confused. 

Lance turned bright red and stood up quickly starting to pull the thing off his head while saying in a panicky voice, “I’m sorry! It ended up in my laundry, I thought it was too big, I should have given it back I didn’t even think-”

Lance sucked in a breath as large hands came up to pull the fabric back down and over his torso. Shiro smirked lightly at him. 

“Keep it, it looks good on you.” Lance was stunned but just nodded his head. 

“Hey, Lance, you know a great way to get out of your own head? Sparring. Come spar with me, just us. You missed training; we can’t have you slacking.”

Shiro grinned and looked at Lance expectantly. Lance loved his smile, it made him weak. 

“Ugh, almost got out of it too!” Lance groaned, playing into the moment, “Fine, but you better bring your A game old man, I won’t go easy on you.” 

Shiro’s jaw dropped and looked affronted. 

“I’m not old, Lance.”

“Nah, you’re not, but I still won’t go easy.”

Lance winked and Shiro felt his 100 times better. Lance was finally acting like his old self. 

“I need to change, so I’ll meet you out there?” Lance asked. Shiro nodded and left his room. 

Lance finally sunk in on himself releasing the metaphorical breath he hadn’t realized he was holding in. 

He felt terrible. He was lying to Shiro, lying to everyone. 

But most of all he was lying to himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little giggle for you all. When I went to write the succulent plant in the window I called my beta and was like: 
> 
> Me: is it succubus or succules? 
> 
> Mars: it's succubus. 
> 
> Me: okay cool so there's a succubus hanging in the window. 
> 
> *Dead silence*
> 
> Mars: wait what are you trying to go for? are you talking about the plant?
> 
> Me: yeah! what are you talking about??
> 
> Mars: it's a succulent. a succubus is a sex demon.
> 
> Me: OH YEAH! Wait so what is a succules??!
> 
> Mars: a word you just made up trying to combine them both. 
> 
> Mars: your poor readers would have been so confused that there was a succubus hanging in his window. 
> 
> Cue crying laughter for 20 minutes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ugh. Why is this so hard? Give me a gun any day and I’ll beat all of you!” Lance grumbled, as Shiro helped him back up from the floor. Again. 
> 
> Shiro snorted and regarded Lance, his eyes crinkled from smiling so hard. 
> 
> “Yeah buddy, we all know that. But what happens when you can’t shoot your way out of a situation?”
> 
> “Then I rely on my quick thinking and irresistible charms.”
> 
> Shiro laughed outright at that and ruffled Lance’s hair. 
> 
> “Whatever you say.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Sorry this took a little longer (like I mentioned before, trying not to overload my beta). Thank you again Mars for being amazing!
> 
> Sorry! I keep forgetting to put trigger warnings in this:
> 
> TW: blood  
> TW: injury  
> TW: cussing
> 
> Enjoy!

“Faith stays young till your heart gets broken  
Hope grows up to become someday.”

* * *

The training area was sleek. All whites, soft blues, and black covering Altean metal. The first time Lance had been here he was in awe. The whole ship in general was amazing, but this was exciting. He had always wanted to train more to get better. But honestly, Keith was a permanent fixture there, and Lance and Keith were usually 3 ticks from a fight. So, he would avoid it if possible. 

Which was _always_. 

Lance wondered if Keith ever slept. 

When he entered the room Shiro was already inside, having foregone the black vest and replaced it with a grey tank top. His pants were black made of a breathable Altean material that was perfect for working out. 

Lance wore his loose army green t-shirt, he always got overheated while training and dark grey sweat pants. He had the same idea as Shiro, only the pants were more fitted on him and his shirt was softer and less constricting. 

He took a moment to stare. 

Shiro looked _good._

Well Shiro always looked good. But even more so right now. With his casual clothing and shoulders and arms exposed. Lance could see like _everything_. Not that he was complaining. 

Because, nope. No complaints.

Not a single one, no regrets at all. 

He was so glad he left his room. 

First time he felt like that in what felt like ages, even though he was tired. He was feeling a small spark of warmth being in this place with Shiro. 

Just the two of them. 

But he felt bad about it, somewhere inside of him, that he had these inappropriate feelings for his teammate that had a boyfriend. His boyfriend, their _leader_. The person Lance was supposed to take orders from and respect.

He was being very disrespectful right now, staring openly at Shiro as his muscles in his back flexed before the older man turned to look at Lance. He was hit with a megawatt smile that nearly knocked Lance out. 

Jesus _fuck_ he was beautiful. 

Both Keith and Shiro were. Shiro was hot, gorgeous, and freaking beautiful and Keith was fiery, stunning, and _pretty_. They were both so attractive to Lance in different ways. But it also felt singular at the same time. Like they were beautiful _together_ , more so than they were when they were apart. 

And that was a whole lot of _something_ Lance refused to unpack. 

“Hey, how do you feel about just some hand to hand? I know it’s not your strong point and it’s something we can ease into for the time being,” Shiro intoned deeply. 

Lance could melt, just his voice, his smile, everything about the man before him made him weak. 

“Yep. Yeah, that’s good, whatever you want. I’ll do anything. I mean I won’t do anything! I just mean, we can like do hand to hand. Yeah.”

Shiro smiled looking at him while he lumbered through his vocabulary, trying to string a proper and coherent response together. 

Fuck. 

“Okay, good. Just try to take it a little easy, we don’t need to rush anything.”

“Pfft, Shiro, I’ll be fine, I’m not made of glass, I won’t break.” 

_Liar._

Shiro looked amused and raised both his hands in surrender. 

“Okay, then come at me.”

Their stances shifted, Lance with his legs shoulder-width apart and Shiro in a wider stance. A breath and then he lunged at Shiro. 

It was not a piece of cake, though not much in Lance’s life was. 

He was on his back, completely winded in 20 ticks. He groaned, head aching and body tingling from going down. 

“I thought you were gonna go easy on me?” Shiro smirked from above him, leaning close. He laughed and put out a hand for Lance to take. 

Lance grabbed his hand, noting how warm and large it was. 

FOCUS. FOCUS. _FOCUS_. 

Lance was pulled quickly to his feet when Shiro freaking _yanked_ on his hand. He forgot how strong Shiro was as he tried to steady himself. The hand not being held grasped at Shiro’s left bicep when he swayed from the sudden movement. 

The air felt charged for a brief moment before Lance jerked and pulled his hand back like it had been burned. 

Shiro had a look in his eyes that Lance couldn’t figure out, but it was gone so fast Lance thought he was imagining it. 

They continued, for another 25 doboshes or so, each time Lance stayed up a little longer. That made him feel proud. He could tell he was getting a little better. It was easier working with Shiro because he was encouraging and didn’t call him stupid every time he fucked up. 

_Keith._

Lance was sweating now, panting hard and wincing at a few choice hits Shiro had gotten in near his ribs. 

“Ugh. Why is this so hard? Give me a gun any day and I’ll beat all of you!” Lance grumbled, as Shiro helped him back up from the floor. _Again_. 

Shiro snorted and regarded Lance, his eyes crinkled from smiling so hard. 

“Yeah buddy, we all know that. But what happens when you can’t shoot your way out of a situation?”

“Then I rely on my quick thinking and irresistible charms.”

Shiro laughed outright at that and ruffled Lance’s hair. 

“Whatever you say.”

Lance’s eyes narrowed as he batted away Shiro’s hand. The older man caught it and reeled Lance in closer, holding it over his head. He smirked. 

“How’re you gonna get out of this now?” 

Lance was absolutely _not_ on the verge of having a panic attack. 

He was fine. 

‘There you go, lying again.’

His breathing hitched as he had to look up to see Shiro’s face from standing this close to the man. His eyes were so intense but playful, complimenting the grin on his face. But Lance was about to have a serious problem in T minus 30 ticks. He yanked on his hand, which didn’t move at all. That wasn’t hot at all, that with one hand Shiro had _literally_ immobilized him. Holy fuck, the man could definitely break in him half.

And Lance wouldn’t even mind.

“Oh, come on Shiro,” Lance gave him his most obnoxious whine, trying to take the attention away from his face which felt hot. 

Shiro sighed and let go of him, but it was slow, and Lance shifted back a few steps. 

This was _awkward_ now. Not because of Shiro, no he was just having harmless fun. No, this was awkward because Lance had goddamn _feelings_ for the man in front of him. This close proximity, his large hands, the heat from his body? It was too much, Lance felt like he was going to burn to death. 

Lance felt like he was losing his mind. He was at war with himself. On the one hand he was majorly crushing on his hero and leader, at the same time. And not only that, but they were already _both_ in a committed relationship. Now add in how upset Lance had been since the video call with his mama. The thought still made him sick, made him want to be anywhere but in existence. He literally wanted to _die_. He _planned on it_. But here he was, feeling all kinds of ways about his teammates and severely depressed. It literally was like two opposing forces inside of him that tugged aggressively and neither option was good regardless.

“S-sorry!” he stumbled out before rubbing his left arm nervously. 

Shiro looked at him, a pinched almost pained look on his face. 

Lance felt guilty. He needed to suck it up and tell Shiro about his feelings for him and Keith. He couldn’t keep hiding it anymore, and it wasn’t fair to _them_ , they were his friends and he couldn’t even be a normal human being around them. They probably didn’t think too much about Lance, but he literally felt like he was going to break into little pieces too small to ever put back together. He needed to tell them; it wasn’t right anymore. 

Another part whispered, ‘It’s also not as scary now because you’re gonna try and die and you won’t have to deal with the fallout. You’re a coward.’

Lance shook his head aggressively which was sure to look strange to Shiro as he battled this inner battle with himself. 

He _was_ a coward. He wouldn’t have to deal with the aftermath, he knew that. But also, because it was just Shiro and he wouldn’t have to confront Keith. His feelings for Keith were the same for Shiro, but emotionally it would probably be harder to have that conversation with his leader. Plus, he was sure that Shiro would just tell his boyfriend. 

This was going to change everything. They may not want to spend time with him much anymore. It could affect Voltron, but that’s already not an issue because Lance was technically an extra. At any time Shiro could take back the black lion and Lance could leave. 

So, he wanted to do one right thing, just one before he was gone. 

“Shiro, listen, I need to tell you something.”

“What’s wrong, Lance?” Shiro had stepped closer looking concerned. Lance stepped back and turned to the side slightly. He was afraid Shiro would _touch_ him and that would only make it hurt worse when the hand was pulled away after what Lance confessed. He couldn’t look at him, couldn’t feel him recoil. He just couldn’t do it. 

Lance was terrified what he would see in those normally kind eyes, afraid he would make Shiro _cringe_.

Lance closed himself off and kept talking. 

“It’s about you and Keith and how I feel. You know… towards _both_ of you. I just want to say that I-” Lance was cut off by a sharp pain in his chest. It was staggering and felt like agony.

“Lance!” Shiro was yelling something, but his ears were ringing and he felt sick. 

“Fuck!” Lance gritted out as he fell to his knees clutching his chest over his heart. It was a horrible stabbing pain which left him gasping to try and take in air. But he couldn’t, he felt like he was suffocating, a plastic bag being drawn over his face and every breath was eating away into his mouth and throat and down his body. Something hot was running over his lips, and he bent over coughing as he spit dark blood onto the floor of the training room. 

“Oh my god…” Lance cried out, trying to press his other hand to his mouth, like that could stop himself from bleeding out. 

He cried out again in distress as his head felt like it was cracking open, brains spilling out onto the cool floor. What was wrong with him?! His vision swam and he fell to his side, feeling hands on him, running over his skin. 

He rolled to his back and words ghosted to the surface from the fog in his mind.

“No! Stay on your side, you’re gonna choke!” Shiro’s voice was frantic. 

Lance moaned gripping over his heart again, trying with everything in his body to end the pain. The rip, tear, and shred of his heart. He looked up through blurry vision and saw Shiro staring at him in terror. 

“S-Shiro… ‘m sorry-” His words slurred and then there was another body pressing against his other side, a hand on him to keep him on his side. 

“Med bay, we need to get him to the med bay, breathe Shiro! We need to move him!” That was Keith. The smaller hand on his side was firm, not letting up when Lance groaned, trying to turn on his back again. 

“I don’t feel good.” His eyesight failed completely then. Bursts of black and white spots filled his vision and he could see someone outlined. A familiar face reaching forward to cup his own, gently, lovingly. Comforting whispers in Spanish. 

“Mama… do you still hate me?” Lance was crying now and suddenly she was gone, ripped from him as he saw Shiro and Keith come back into focus. 

They looked scared and alarmed, they probably thought he was losing it, hallucinating about his mama and shit. Maybe he was actually dying, because the looks on their faces weren’t right. 

“Keith get Coran!” 

And then he was being lifted into strong arms and his head curled into a large shoulder, blood still dripping from his mouth and nose as he struggled to focus on anything but the ache in his chest.

The throbbing was starting to subside a little. He was still bleeding and felt dizzy and unfocused, but he could better tell what was happening now. He was in Shiro’s arms as the man ran down the halls of the castle. People were still yelling and hysterical and he was taken into the med bay and put on one of the tables, still on his side just to be safe. 

A wet towel was held to his mouth and nose, trying to clean the mess that was there, and Lance felt completely overwhelmed. Everyone was there staring at him, looming over him and he pushed out with his hands weakly, trying to push his friends away. 

“S-sorry… I just n-need, some space,” he gasped out, still trying to get his breathing under control. He was so tired, he just wanted to sleep but he didn’t know what had just happened. It was scary. 

Everyone seemed to get that he was feeling too confined and backed up a little. He was still panicking and started to sit up fast, the whole room spinning. Keith darter closer hand out reached, just in case Lance collapsed again. Lance grabbed his head with a wail, he probably looked completely unhinged. But he didn’t care, his head was killing him. 

He coughed into the towel and wiped his mouth, it seemed he wasn’t bleeding anymore. He bet he looked a mess, blood smeared all over his mouth and shirt and his nose. 

This was so unattractive. 

“Lance, take deep breaths,” Coran was saying soothingly, as he lifted a tablet, scanning Lance with it. 

Shiro reached out to touch his back, clearly trying to comfort him. Lance felt a spark of anger course through him, he was a live wire and he was sick of people not listening to him. 

“Don’t touch me!” he barked out, flinching away from Shiro’s hand. The hand jerked back, and he looked hurt and shocked as he stared at Lance. Keith looked offended that someone would yell at Shiro. 

“He’s just trying to help you, you’re hurt!” Keith’s voice wasn’t doing anything to help his headache. 

“I know! I get it, it’s- it’s just too much… I don’t even know what the fuck just happened. Give me a tick, _please_ ,” Lance begged.

“Yeah, what the hell?” Pidge was watching the exchange with wide eyes. 

“Lance, buddy how did you get hurt? They said you came from training-” Hunk was cut off by Shiro, who seemed to compose himself slightly, but still looked wounded. 

“No, we were training, he was fine. He started to tell me something and then he just started choking and collapsed.”

Keith leaned into Shiro and reached to grasp his shaking hand, trying to ease the panic that had ebbed back into Shiro’s voice. 

“It was terrifying.” Shiro said, eyeing Lance with concern.

“Tell me about it.” Lance laughed humorlessly.

He wiped at his mouth again and saw Pidge still looking scared and reached out his hand to them. They took it and stepped in closer and Hunk moved to the foot of the table, to rest a large hand on his leg. 

“I’m sorry, Shiro, I just panicked, don’t leave,” Lance said, he saw Shiro inching back and away, afraid to get too close. 

Shiro sighed and soon he and Keith were near Lance’s back as Lance took deep breaths. 

He was finally not feeling like he was about to die. 

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m not dead yet, gremlin,” Lance joked, speaking to Pidge, they looked 3 ticks away from bursting into tears. Pidge gave a watery chuckle. 

“Damn right, who am I gonna harass if you’re gone?” 

“Uhm we can always mess with Keith? Although he might kill us, so counterproductive,” Hunk said, and Keith looked highly affronted and scowled. 

“No one is dying,” Shiro said in his best dad voice. 

“Yes sir!” Lance said, before wincing and reaching up for his chest again. 

“Coran, not to be blunt but what the fuck?” Coran sighed, and eyed Lance carefully. Allura seemed a bit odd off to the side, like she was thinking. 

“Haggar,” She said, after a brief pause. 

Everyone looked at her in surprise before their eyes all widened in understanding.

“That would make sense, we still don’t know what she shot you with… and now this is happening. Shiro, you said it came out of nowhere? Like did he get injured or something in training?” 

“No, no it was a normal hand to hand spar,” Lance said, because it _was_ but also because he was afraid Shiro would break down by how the man looked if he thought he was the cause. 

“Maybe it’s leftover from what Haggar did, like maybe it was just meant to be a hard hit with magic? Like getting electrocuted?” Hunk said thoughtfully.

"Yes, there seems to be some damage radiating from your chest. The readings are higher than what's normal for a human." Coran said, continuing the scan with his tabled. 

“That would make sense, my heart fucking _hurts_ ,” Lance said, clenching his teeth again. He gathered some spit in his mouth and leaned over to spit the bloody saliva into a cup by the bed. He didn’t think he would ever get the metallic taste out of his mouth. 

“Gross,” said Pidge. 

“Ugh, you’re gross.”

“Guys! We need to figure it out, what if it happens again?” Keith said, taking over the conversation to get shit done. He was good at that; Lance had always felt like Keith could get everyone back on task with a stern look and a harsh tone. 

Weird that it _did_ things to Lance. 

‘Jesus I really need to chill. A cold shower, yeah that should do it. Ice cold.’

Lance went to stand, and everyone yelled and jumped forward. 

“Hey! Come on, I feel like shit I want to shower,” he was stopped by multiple hands and unimpressed looks from his team. 

“Nope, I’m sorry my boy but we have to put you in a pod. We need to check and see if we can find something to explain what is going on with you.”

Lance’s heart leaped into his throat and he freaked out. 

“No, I’m not doing that. You can check me out right here. I’m not going in the pod.”

“Lance, the pod is the quickest more efficient way to find out what’s wrong with you,” Allura said calmly. 

“Then why didn’t it catch this when I was just in one?” 

“That’s a really good question… Coran?” Pidge asked, adjusting their glasses. 

“Well, and now this is just a guess, but because it was focusing on his physical injuries maybe it didn’t pick up on the magic? Or maybe the pod needs to know we are looking for magic? Or the pod is malfunctioning? Honestly, I don’t know definitively.” 

Lance felt himself trembling, he didn’t want to be enclosed in there. It was one thing to go in when he was unconscious, because he didn’t know and couldn’t feel scared or like he was suffocating. But it was a whole different thing to have to be pushed inside while the glass closes so close to his face while he’s awake. 

_Absolutely fucking not_.

“This is fun and all but I’m gonna say the only way you’re getting me in that pod is if you knock me out.”

There was a beat, a moment where he thought someone _might_ knock him out. But it didn’t come. 

He knew he looked like a scared animal ready to kill to survive. Shiro said in his calmest most soothing voice, “No one will make you go in there. We can figure something out okay?” 

Lance looked into his eyes and nodded. 

“Well the only other option is to put you in a bed here and keep you overnight to do a slow scan. I can activate it above you, and it will read you all night and then we can figure it out in the morning. Does that work? It takes longer but it’s the best I’ve got,” Coran said kindly. 

Lance visibly sagged, “Thank god, can I please just shower first?”

“Only if someone goes with you.” 

Lance squawked and looked affronted at Shiro. 

“What?!” 

“We need to make sure you don’t pass out again, moron,” Keith growled. 

“Fine.” 

Lance’s eyebrow twitched. 

“So, who wants to do the honors? And believe me it will be _your_ honor,” Lance smirked, trying to keep up his bravado. He was nervous, not just about the shower, but about what was wrong with him. 

Lance wanted to be dead, but he didn’t want to _die_. There was a difference. The act of dying was not something Lance was yearning for. He just wanted to be _gone_.

“Not it.” Pidge deadpanned, already stepping away from the table. 

“Yeah, listen, I need to cook dinner, sorry buddy,” said Hunk, the traitor. 

“I need to set up your bed and the scanner,” Coran said in a chipper voice.

“I need to pilot the ship, plus I’m a princess, it wouldn’t be proper.” Lance was actually grateful for that one, his crush on her had been shallow. He actually didn’t want to be naked with her watching. 

Nope. 

But then reality came rushing back because the only ones left were Shiro and Keith. The others had vacated the room and it was just the three of them. 

They both looked at each other and then surprisingly Keith spoke. 

“I’ll do it, Shiro needs rest after all of this. Plus, I’m strong enough to pick your skinny ass off the floor if you faint again,” Keith smirked, it shot right through Lance’s heart and then spiraled down to his gut. Shiro mouth was in a tight line but his eyes seemed lighter, almost that playful look from earlier.

_Holy. Fuck._

Lance didn’t know if this was a dream come true or a nightmare. 

Keith was grinning wolfishly and Shiro had this dark look in his eyes. Lance thought he was going crazy because just like earlier he blinked and they both had unreadable faces again. 

“Fine. But I’m not gonna rush my beauty routine. It takes a lot of hard work to look this good and I won’t have you messing it up!” 

Keith gave an inelegant snort and moved to wrap a warm arm around Lance’s waist, supporting his shaky body. Lance jolted like lightening had burst through him. Keith’s fingers slipped up his shirt slightly, rubbing at the skin on his stomach. It was just for a moment and then they stilled and helped hold Lance steady. Lance blushed horribly and he wondered if Keith could feel his pulse beating through his skin. ‘Was that on purpose? No, that had to be an accident!’ They followed Shiro out of the med bay and Keith leaned up to whisper into Lance’s ear, “Sure, princess, whatever you want.”

Lance’s mouth dropped in shock, before clamping it shut tight, jaw clenching, as he felt a searing heat pool in his belly. 

_A nightmare, definitely a nightmare._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my beta tells me I have comma issues. And it's always hilarious the banter that goes on while we edit the chapters. Here are some examples for a little laugh. 
> 
> Me: I just sort of put commas where I feel like it. 
> 
> Mars: That's the spirit, comma with your heart. 
> 
> \--
> 
> Me (while she is about to change something in the document): What are you doing with my Lance???
> 
> Mars: look at it. (deadpanned).
> 
> Me (realizing I spelled Lacne instead of Lance): oh.
> 
> \--
> 
> Me: Comma woo! Comma fuck me...
> 
> \--


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance reached out, ‘Wait! Don’t leave! I need to tell you something!’
> 
> They turn and their faces become terrible, almost unrecognizable. 
> 
> ‘We already know… what’s wrong with you? You know we could never love you… why would we? When we have each other? You’re a leftover, a spare part. Just a cargo pilot,’ Keith snarled. 
> 
> Shiro looked angry too and he felt disgust coiling in his gut. 
> 
> They both turned and walked away. Lance fell to his knees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Okay here's the next update. Things are starting to get a little wild here! Thank you to my beta Mars for editing and a lot of good laughs! Lance in this story, as mentioned before, has very OOC moments. But this is because of how bad his mental health has gotten, so keep that in mind. 
> 
> I am working on a new large piece (on the side while I wait for my beta, no worries this story won't slow down!) but do you guys prefer chapter stories or really long one shots?? I can do either for this new one but I just wasn't sure. I will NOT be uploading this new one until it's 100% complete, so if I did do chapters I would put them all up at once! But yes let me know what you guys prefer!
> 
> TW: Blood  
> TW: Nudity  
> TW: Suicidal Talk
> 
> Enjoy!!!!!

“I never hurt no one and no one will ever hurt me  
I believe I believe I believe I believe.”

* * *

When Keith and Lance arrived at Lance’s room the taller boy took a minute to sit shakily on his bed. He felt winded just from the trek alone and needed to catch his breath. 

“Thanks, Keith. I really appreciate it.” All joking aside, he looked up into pretty violet eyes gratefully. 

Keith’s face softened. Lance swore it was the same look he gave Shiro when they thought no one was looking. And now it was being directed at him. Lance blushed, he secretly savored these moments with Keith that were quieter and without the ridiculously rivalry that Lance _knew_ he himself had made up. It was honestly just a smoke screen for his feelings, he knew that. 

But Keith didn’t, so he liked to see it when the other boy was just himself, when Lance wasn’t pushing him so hard. 

When Keith’s walls fell down.

In whatever time he had left, he wanted to try his best not to instigate Keith unnecessarily. Playful teasing was always okay, he did that with all of his teammates. But he didn’t want to betray Keith’s trust in him when he started to open up like this.

Lance loved Keith and Shiro differently, but equally. Shiro had started off as his hero, someone he looked up to and wanted to make proud. Keith was the best pilot at the Garrison and Lance wanted to surpass him, not just for himself, but to garner Keith’s attention. He wanted both their eyes on him. But then after being in space things didn’t necessarily change, but his feelings grew. Expanding on what was already there, almost like a flower. Lance’s feelings had watered it, attended to it, gave it sunlight in the form of his happiness and smile. He cultured the love and emotion he had for them, until he was ruined. 

It would only _ever_ be them. 

He was so _fucked_. But, a small little part of him that sparked within his heart wasn’t mad in the slightest. It glowed gently, soft and warm just for Shiro and Keith. And nothing could ever change that. 

Lance looked up at Keith again and smiled. A real smile, which was a rare occurrence for Lance lately. 

“It’s not a problem. Don’t worry about it,” Keith said, still standing in front of Lance. 

Lance felt his heart strings pull, dragging him out like a kite caught on a sharp breeze. It hurt, but he was starting to get used to that pain. It was unrequited love for them, and he didn’t regret it. He regretted the pain it was going to cause them, the distraction, and the look of disgust when they realized. But he didn’t regret his treacherous heart. 

‘What was that quote? I’d rather have loved and lost than never loved at all? Or something along those lines,’ Lance thought. 

Tears pooled in his eyes, he laughed, and wiped them with the back of his hand messily. He laid his hands back in his lap. Before he could look up, a rougher set of hands covered his. He looked at Keith in confusion, the boy now kneeling in front of him on the floor. 

“Lance, what’s wrong? What’s been going on with you? You haven’t been yourself…”

Lance answered honestly for once in days. 

“I’m just tired. So fucking tired, Keith. _God_ , I’m sorry you have to see this.” Lance’s hands shook under Keith’s and the boy looked at him with startled concern. 

Lance pulled his hands away and smiled a little. It wasn’t a real one. Keith looked like he was going to say something when Lance cut him off. 

“I just need to shower and rest, I’ll feel better after that, man,” Lance said, before raising himself on wobbly legs and starting towards his bathroom. After he entered, he went to turn to shut the door and nearly smacked into Keith who had followed him into the bathroom. 

“Uhm, dude… can I help you?” Lance gave an awkward chuckle. 

“I’m not leaving you to pass out again, this is the whole point of me coming with you, loser.” Keith scowled. He was so close he could feel his breath on his face. Lance stepped back and shook his head. 

“Nope, no, you can wait in my room.”

“No.” Keith said simply, moving to lean against the sink crossing his arms pointedly. 

“Come on! Just- just sit on my bed and I’ll leave the door open and that way if I pass out you can see it.” He jerked back at the frosted glass behind him. While he wouldn’t be able to see Lance naked, he could see his silhouette and would know if Lance fell or if something went wrong. 

Keith narrowed his eyes at him but huffed and went to leave the bathroom. 

“Thank you. I mean, I know you want a piece of this, but I don’t do anything outside of a relationship,” Lance said with a small smile. 

Keith barked out a laugh, “Since when? You’re such a playboy. Always flirting with anything that moves.”

“One, rude. Two, ouch. And three, okay, I deserve that. But that’s not really how I am, at least I haven’t been like that for a while. Plus, it was all empty and meaningless, I just liked the attention. I want to be with someone that really cares about me, you know: for me.”

Keith’s mouth dropped open and Lance rolled his eyes. 

“I did not expect that.”

“What that I want, like, romance and love and shit?” Lance said offensively. 

“No. That you would admit that you did that shit for attention. It was obvious to all of us. And it’s definitely obvious you want affection and feelings. You’re so transparent you might as well be a ghost.”

Lance glared and turned to go to the other end of the bathroom where he couldn’t see Keith’s stupid smirk. He had to undress and get in the shower; his legs were tired, and he still felt weak so the quicker he did this, the quicker he could just _sleep_. He was out of visual range of Keith when he started to pull his shirt off. 

“Shit!” 

“What? What happened??” Keith came running into the bathroom. 

“No, I just forgot to get clean clothing. I’ve lost my damn mind.”

“Jesus, Lance, I thought something was actually _wrong_.” Keith glared and went back to the bed. 

Lance exited the bathroom with his shirt in hand and walked over to his dresser to pull out sleep clothing. He stopped when he had the clothing out and braced his hands on the top of the drawers. His headache wasn’t as bad as before, but it still was an uncomfortable dull throb. He breathed through his nose before grabbing his clothes and headed back to the shower. Keith was staring at him though. 

“I’m fine!” Keith’s eyebrows shot up and he raised his hands in defense. It mirrored Shiro’s stance earlier in the training room and Lance nearly laughed. 

These two… 

He finally got to the other side of his bathroom, stripped himself of the rest of his dirty clothing, pulled back the right side of the sliding door, and stepped into the shower. He turned the heat up as far as he could, it burned and that’s how Lance liked it. 

Maybe he was a masochist? Burning water, suicidal, taking on Lotor by himself, pining after a couple in love?

_God,_ he fucking _was_. 

The water beat down on his naked skin and it felt so good, his body ached. He did his full skin routine and washed his hair thoroughly before working on his body. 

Running his hands down his lithe form, he thought about how Keith was not even ten feet away, sitting on his bed. 

In his room. 

Lance had to bite his lip as he felt himself grow hard. 

‘Goddamn, fuck _no!_ This is super inappropriate!’ Lance thought almost whining in frustration.

He jerked his hands off his body and ran them over his face, trying to will his erection to subside. 

‘Go away… go away… go AWAY!’

This was mortifying, he couldn’t leave the shower like this. Keith would think he was a freak. And Shiro would absolutely hear about it. Holy fuck, this was a nightmare. 

He whimpered and went to turn the dial of the water to 'frigid'. But before he could the left side of the shower door slid open and Keith stood there panicked looking Lance up and down.

His eyes caught on Lance’s hard cock and widened perceptively. 

Lance yelped and shoved Keith so hard the older boy stumbled back almost falling. Lance slipped but just barely caught himself before narrowing his eyes at Keith’s still shocked face.

“What the FUCK!?” Lance yelled, as he shut the water off and grabbed a towel exiting the shower once it was secure. 

“What do you _mean_? I called your name three times and you didn’t respond! I thought something was wrong!” 

“I didn’t hear you! The water must have drowned it out, but who just throws open a shower door like that! You couldn’t knock!?” Lance glared, as he stomped over to Keith who had moved to stand by his bed. 

“Personal. Space. Keith. Ever heard of it?” Lance was angry but blushing horribly, he was convinced his face was tinting pink as he shoved a finger into Keith’s chest. Just to get his point across. 

“I was worried! I won’t make that mistake again,” Keith said bitterly. 

“Hey now! Don’t blame this on me, you just couldn’t have some common curtesy like the rest of us!” Lance was fuming. He was angry and upset that Keith was upset, but Keith saw him, literally. 

Lance was perfectly entitled to his freak out, thank you very much. 

Keith was just _standing_ there while Lance went off, a frustrated face staring back at him. 

“You just scared me, like the door opened so fast and I- _ohhh-_ ” Lance broke off, all the excitement had made him dizzy and started to tip towards the bed, his legs turning numb. 

Keith caught him around the waist and lowered him to sit on the bed. 

“Shit, Lance are you ok??” Keith said frantically, as he held onto the boy, so he didn’t collapse completely. 

“’M fine, just overwhelmed again, I think. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten that mad at you,” Lance said, holding a trembling hand to his head. 

“No, you’re right I should have knocked. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Keith looked over his body, making sure nothing else was wrong before moving his hand to Lance’s bicep to be sure he was steady before letting go. 

Lance let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. 

“It’s okay, I know you were just worried,” Lance said before sighing.

Water was still dripping down his chest and the curve of his neck as he tried to breathe and push his headache away. 

Again, he saw Keith looking at him weirdly, not just at his naked torso but at his face too. This weird concern and something else in his stark, and unfairly pretty, eyes. He blushed again; they were so close. He felt his whole body warm and ache for Keith to reach out and touch more of him.

For Keith to kiss him.

“I just want to sleep, I’m so tired,” Lance whispered. Keith’s hands reached out again and pulled Lance’s wrist closer to his body. 

“Wha-?” Lance’s voice caught in his throat.

“I’m checking your pulse; you’re breathing pretty hard,” Keith said, not looking at Lance’s face but staring down where his fingers met the underside of Lance’s wrist. 

“It’s a little high, but it has been an insane day for you. So, I’m not surprised,” Keith murmured, before rubbing his wrist lightly and letting it go. 

Lance’s heart nearly leapt out of his chest. He wanted to tell Keith, he wanted them both to know, that he loved them. He tried to tell Shiro and then all this shit happened. But he had Keith here now, he could tell him. Keith would probably handle it way worse than Shiro would have. He wouldn’t be shocked to end up with a black eye afterwards. But he was still stuck with that same feeling that they _needed_ to know because this wasn’t right. All the friendly touches they gave him as a teammate and a friend…

They meant so much more to Lance than it did to them, and it was wrong to not say anything. 

He felt like he was taking advantage of them. 

“Listen, Keith, I need to tell you something. I tried to tell Shiro and then all this crazy stuff went down. I know you may not want to be around me after, and I’ll do my best to forget about it and make sure we can still form Voltron, but you have to know. Shiro and you, I really-” 

Before the word ‘love’ could come out of Lance’s mouth, he screamed as his heart felt like it was exploding from the inside out. He couldn’t hear anything but his own deafening screams and then mercifully everything went dark and the pain stopped. 

* * *

Lance’s head was filled with the faces of his mama, Haggar, Keith, and Shiro.

And screaming. 

So much screaming. 

People calling out for him. 

His mama singing.

Then slapping him across the face, spitting at him to, ‘Get out! Get out! You don’t belong here!’

Haggar’s cruel hands electrocuting Lance over and over again, dark black energy consuming his body while his mouth opened in a silent scream. 

Blood, hazy and iron, heavy on his tongue and around his head. 

He couldn’t escape all of this. 

And then Keith and Shiro… wrapped in each other’s embrace. 

Lance reached out, ‘Wait! Don’t leave! I need to tell you something!’

They turn and their faces become terrible, almost unrecognizable. 

‘We already know… what’s wrong with you? You know we could never love you… why would we? When we have each other? You’re a leftover, a spare part. Just a cargo pilot,’ Keith snarled. 

Shiro looked angry too and he felt disgust coiling in his gut. 

They both turned and walked away. Lance fell to his knees. 

Then the airlock was open, he could see the stars, just a few more steps…

* * *

When the pod hissed and opened, Lance fell forward, he was caught by Hunk and carried to the med table. 

His eyes fluttered open, squinting at the bright light in the room. 

“What-what happened?” Lance asked weakly once he was finally laying in the bed, propped up slightly by the incline of the bed. 

He looked around; everyone was there. That wasn’t necessarily _unusual_. But, most of the time it was one or two people waiting for the person to come out of the pod. 

“You don’t remember? You fainted. Screamed bloody murder, clutching your chest. You bit your tongue so hard it split open.” Keith looked _shaken_. He was ghostly white and Shiro had a hand wrapped around his shoulder in comfort. 

“I’m sorry?” Lance didn’t know what to say. He can’t imagine how scary that must have been. 

“I remember trying to talk to you and then… nightmares. So many nightmares. Usually we don’t dream in the pods, so I don’t understand how that happened.”

“Haggar did something to you,” Allura said, coming up on his right side. She looked worried but angry. Haggar was always a sore spot for Allura.

“We figured out what’s going on, we think. But we need you to remain calm,” She said, eyeing the others in the room. 

They all had started to move slowly closer to Lance, like they were trying to box him in, keep him caged so he couldn’t escape. 

“Okay, what’s going on then? And you’re all making me nervous!” Lance said, eyes wide. He looked at Hunk in confusion and Hunk was _upset_. He had this look on his face that Lance hadn’t seen since he found out his grandfather died during his first year at the Garrison. And Pidge, Pidge was angry but there was something else there, like sadness? Something that Lance couldn’t place. 

Shiro had never looked so solemn and Coran was frowning with an Altean tablet glowing in his hands. 

“Someone tell me something!” Lance burst out, panicking. 

Hunk moved forward and wrapped his arms around Lance as Lance wailed, scared he was still trapped in his dream for a moment because no one was saying _anything_!

“Lance, your heart is failing. Whatever Haggar did, severely damaged it, and it’s spreading to the rest of your body,” Coran said, holding up an image of a scan of Lance’s heart. 

It didn’t _look_ right. He wasn’t a doctor, but it had darkened edges and dark coloring on the inside. It was like dark vines worming from his heart to the rest of his body. They hadn’t gotten too far yet though and Lance had hope. 

“But the pod… did it fix it?” Lance asked wiping at his eyes nervously. 

“Haggar’s magic is preventing the pod from healing you. And for some reason the spread is triggered by something. We don’t know what triggers it, if it’s something you do or think, we have no idea. But every time that trigger activates it spreads even faster, like a burst of adrenaline,” Allura said softly. 

“So, what can we do? How do we fix this??” Lance asked, looking around, Hunk’s arms still holding him as he shook. 

The room was silent. 

Lance was about to freak out again when Shiro spoke. 

“Lance, you’re dying. There’s nothing any of us can do, we need to find Haggar and get her to reverse the curse. That’s the only option we have. I’m so sorry.” Shiro looked so sad, now it all made sense. Them moving closer, everyone’s broken faces: they thought he was going to have a meltdown when they told him that he was _dying_. 

A switch flipped in Lance’s head and Lance laughed.

He laughed so loud it hurt, but it was hollow. It was just so fucking _funny_ , so ironic. 

This was cruel irony. 

“Lance, what the fuck?! We just told you that you’re dying! Why are you laughing?!” Pidge demanded, eyes shining with unshed tears and fury. 

‘Didn’t they get it?’ Lance thought. He had wanted to die, and here he was dying. With no say in the matter. ‘Everything happens for a reason; this is the universe showing me that my decision was right.’ So, yeah, Lance thought it was hilarious. He could die, not worry about unrequited love, or his mama, or ruining Keith and Shiro’s relationship, and they could form Voltron without him. It was all working out just fine. 

“Is this an Earth thing? Like laughing when you’re gonna die?” Coran asked confusedly, looking to Allura and then Shiro. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just funny.” Hunk was baffled and pulled away to look at Lance fully, trying to figure out what’s going on. 

“Lance… you’re _dying_. You don’t have much time left, if we don’t find Haggar-”

“Don’t. Don’t bother trying to find her. I don’t want _anyone_ risking their lives for me. I’m already dead. So just let it go.”

The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. 

And then...

“What do you mean let it GO?!”

“Lance! We’re not just gonna _let you_ _die_!” 

“What the hell?!”

“Are you _fucking_ stupid?”

“Pidge!”

“WELL IS HE?!”

“Lance _why_?”

Lance held up a hand to try and silence them. The tension was so thick it could be cut with a knife. 

“It’s my decision. And it’s final. No one is taking on Haggar, look how well we’ve fared so far. Every time something horrible happens. And I’m okay doing this, we have enough pilots now, y-you guys don’t need me here,” His voice wavers, just slightly before he bites his now healed tongue and straightens up. 

“We need you! We want you here, why are you saying these things?” Keith asked desperately, he had gone from angry to aggravated to hurt. He looked like he couldn’t believe Lance thought these things about himself. 

“We’re helping you, whether you want it or not. We will find a cure, Lance,” Allura said confidently but clearly deeply disturbed by what had transpired. 

“I don’t want anyone to die because of me,” Lance said calmly. 

Shiro snapped.

“BUT YOU’RE DYING!” Shiro roared; he turned and tossed one of the medical tables across the room where it hit the wall and clattered to the floor. 

“Holy fuck!” 

“Shhh, Pidge.”

Keith reached out a hand to hold Shiro back from doing anything else violent. The older man was seething, his eyes wild. Lance had never seen him like this before, it was jarring.

“You’re a Paladin of Voltron. We need you, but it’s not just about that. You’ve been chosen and the universe needs you, yes. But that’s not what really matters. What matters is that you’re a part of this team, we’re all family. And we look out for each other, please, hermano, let us help you,” Hunk said, reaching for Lance’s hand. 

But his hand retracted and Hunk looked at Lance with a pained expression. 

“Family huh? Fuck family.” Lance said. 

He looked serious. Pidge looked from Lance to Hunk to Shiro. They were even more worried now. Family meant _everything_ to Lance. He had been the one to pull them all together, make sure they ate, they slept, they took care of themselves. 

‘Who was this boy?’ They all thought collectively. Out of all of them, he was always the most homesick.

“None of this makes any sense,” Pidge muttered under their breath as Keith had to bodily restrain Shiro now from grabbing something else. 

“Lance, what is going on with you? Please… You can’t keep shutting us out,” Shiro said, he was desperate, almost begging. He still looked close to a breaking point but was noticeably trying to contain himself.

Lance had enough. 

“Get out.”

“What?” Keith asked, mouth open. 

“You heard me, get out. I want to be alone.”

“Lance, hermano-”

“Get out! Leave me alone!” Lance yelled, shoving away at Hunk and lashing towards the others in anger. 

“Fuck, please! Just _GO!”_ Lance put his head in his hands and started to cry in anger and frustration. 

‘Please go… I can’t look at any of you right now. You’re all so upset, and I can’t fix this. A part of me is scared but a part of me doesn’t _care_. Please all of you just go, just go, just go… _go_!’ Lance thought, his body still hurt, and he needed to rest, he hadn’t been able to in days really, since the pods didn’t rest the body. 

“Give him space, I’ll have to insist. All this stress could just hurt him faster. Stay here tonight Lance, the tablet will continue scanning and you can sleep,” Coran said, as he turned to the machinery to start it up. Clearly a dismissal to the others in the room. 

They filed out, mixtures of sorrow, worry, and helplessness all over their faces. But Lance didn’t look at them. He just leaned back in the bed and closed his eyes. 

* * *

**A Few Varga Later**

Pidge sat hunched over their larger tablet in their lab. They were worried, something was seriously wrong with Lance. He never talked like that, he never behaved so aggressively and nonchalantly. It was like he was two different people. He was his normal _self_ a week ago. But now?

Now Pidge was worried. 

But they had a theory. He had been happy before the video call with his family. That was the last time Pidge had seen Lance okay. He was their big brother and he was scaring them. They needed to find out why he was being like this. 

“Come on… come on where is it?” Pidge asked in frustration, as they scrolled through screen after screen faster than anyone else would have been able to catch. 

“What are you doing?” Keith asked, leaning over them. 

They jumped and cursed. 

“Bell! You need a bell! You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“Too soon,” Keith scowled, but not at Pidge, just in general. 

“Still, what are you doing?”

“I’m checking something. Ah, here it is.”

Pidge pulled up the feed from Lance’s video call with his parents. Keith and Pidge watched carefully. Soon their faces changed to ones of searching to shock and horror. Pidge felt sick, they couldn’t comprehend what was happening in this conversation with Lance and his mother. How could she…?

Keith gripped the table so hard the thinner metal whined under his grip. He was furious. This was so _wrong._

Keith jolted when they got to the end of the feed. 

“Pidge… I think I know why Lance was in that airlock.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay question for all! And then a giggle. 
> 
> I am working on a new large piece (on the side while I wait for my beta, no worries this story won't slow down!) but do you guys prefer chapter stories or really long one shots?? I can do either for this new one but I just wasn't sure. I will NOT be uploading this new one until it's 100% complete, so if I did do chapters I would put them all up at once! But yes let me know what you guys prefer.
> 
> Mars & Solar_Litost Banter:
> 
> Me: I'm never using Voltron time vocabulary again fuck this!  
> Mars: ok...  
> Me: I don’t even quizknak so I shouldn’t use ticks and doboshes  
> Mars: What's quiznak? Is that a drug??  
> Me: It’s their version of cursing lmfao  
> (LAUGHING SO HARD)
> 
> \---
> 
> Mars (talking about mochi): someone was telling me they love mochi ice cream but didn't like the outer part. so, I was like: so, what you're telling me is that you like ice cream?  
> Me (cries with laughter)  
> Mars: That's like saying I love cardboard, but I don't wanna eat the ice cream container.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Pidge,” Shiro said, quieter this time. 
> 
> “I know, Shiro, trust me I know.” 
> 
> “He’s been hurting this whole time, looking for a way out and none of us saw.” Hunk had tears pooling in his eyes and rubbed the back of his shirt sleeve over his face to wipe them away. 
> 
> “I did.” Everyone looked at Keith when he said this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Okay so this chapter and the next one are the MOST ANGSTY AND SADDEST of the whole story. After the next one we get to resolution to things and Lance's life should start to get easier. One can only hope haha XD. Thank you as always to Mars for beta-ing my story and putting up with my ridiculous bullshit. That's what friends are for!
> 
> TW: talks of suicide  
> TW: vomiting  
> TW: talks of death
> 
> Enjoy guys!
> 
> \---

“Faith plays dumb till the doubts all leave  
I believe I believe I believe I believe.”

* * *

**With Keith**

Keith couldn’t tell you how many times he watched the video of Lance and his mother. It was like watching a car crash. You wanted to look away, but you just couldn’t. 

He was a sucker for punishment. 

Because every time he heard his mother speak to Lance in those cruel words, he wanted to break something. Pidge had been furious, absolutely raving. They were spouting off about, how could any parent treat their kid like that? Keith knew Pidge was accepted at home, so it must have been a sore spot for them to see Lance treated so atrociously. 

Finally, he made Pidge go to sleep, with the promise that they would talk to the team about this video in the morning. 

Of course, Shiro had come to find him when he didn’t end up in their bed and he had to explain what happened. Showing the video to Shiro was worse than watching it for the first time. Shiro went through a multitude of emotions ranging from disbelief to rage to sorrow. 

He settled on sadness after Keith talked him down from sending a nasty message back to Lance’s mother. 

Shiro stayed with him all night and when the team, minus Lance of course, came into the common room that morning they played the video again for them. 

Pidge had the same disgusted look on their face. 

Hunk was devastated, he had _met_ Lance’s family and had no idea his mother would react this way. He wanted to immediately go get Lance to speak to him, to just be there for him. But that was shot down by Coran who had said he desperately needed the rest. 

Allura and Coran had to have some things explained before they got the gist of the conversation. They realized that it caused Lance severe distress from the way he was speaking to his mother, but they didn’t understand the full picture. 

Once they had though, both Alteans couldn’t believe it. No one was rejected like that in Altea, even 10,000 years ago. 

Keith then told everyone about the airlock. 

“Wait, wait, wait- you’re telling me you think he was out there to kill himself?!” Hunk asked, freaking out, his hands waving around as if he could make it all go away. 

“She _told_ him she wanted him to _die_ ,” Pidge spat, “Lance would do anything for his family, even that.”

“We can’t assum-” Allura started, before she was cut off. 

“The fuck we can’t!”

“Pidge!”

“What?! It’s blindingly obvious that Lance has been different. The airlock, the recklessness on the mission, when he got back he thought he had died and was disappointed when he hadn’t, getting sick and then telling us to let him DIE… I mean, I know we can’t all be a genius, but surely none of you are that stupid.” Pidge was so angry; they could kill someone.

Preferably Lance’s mother. 

“Pidge,” Shiro said, quieter this time. 

“I know, Shiro, trust me I know.” 

“He’s been hurting this whole time, looking for a way out and none of us saw.” Hunk had tears pooling in his eyes and rubbed the back of his shirt sleeve over his face to wipe them away. 

“I did.” Everyone looked at Keith when he said this. 

“Not, not all of this-” he waved his arm dismissively at the monitor, which was still playing in the background on repeat. The same nightmare Lance had endured over and over and over again. 

“I found him in the airlock, I knew something was wrong. I tried to tell Shiro not to send him on that mission. If I had just pushed harder… he never would have faced off against Lotor and Haggar wouldn’t have-have cursed him. Now he’s gonna die and it’s my fault.”

Keith didn’t know when he had started to cry. It wasn’t heaving gasping sobs, but silent tracks of salt water sliding down his face and dripping off his chin. The look he gave Shiro was so heartbreaking that the older man wrapped Keith up tight, burying his face in the boy’s hair. 

“No, no this isn’t on you. It’s on all of us, but more than that, it’s on Lance’s mother.” The way Shiro said ‘mother’ was like a bad taste in his mouth. 

That woman was no mother. 

“Yeah, man, it’s not on you. It’s us too. I haven’t been giving him much attention lately, been so wrapped up in the repairs of the ship from that battle two weeks ago and I’ve brushed him off more times than not. That can’t be helping his mental space right now,” Hunk said, mournfully. 

“Yeah, well, the last time he came into my lab I told him to get out and go bother someone else. I was just so busy; I had almost decrypted the last intel we had, and I thought I was so close to finding Matt. I shouldn’t have said that to him. And now we might not have the time left… to show him he matters. That he’s worth it.” Pidge took off their glasses and turned away from the group in favor of looking up at the monitor again. They didn’t do well with _sadness_ they preferred anger, so watching that woman act like a monster was easier to Pidge than breaking down in front of the team. 

“I admit that I get really frustrated with his flirting, but he doesn’t really do that anymore. At least not in a while,” Allura said guiltily. 

“I’m hard on him. All the time, about everything. I just want him to be safe and when he doesn't take training seriously or doesn’t improve as fast as the rest of you it makes me worried. Regardless, coming down on him for it isn’t good either. We all have things we would change if we could go back in time. But we can’t. We just need to move forward. Find Haggar, cure him, and then we can be there for him,” Shiro said,with a tone of finality. 

“First, we need to talk to him about _this_ ,” Keith said, looking up at the screen again. It made him feel sick. 

‘How close had they really come to losing Lance? If I had been a little later finding him in that airlock, would he already be gone?’ Keith thought, painfully. 

Keith didn’t know, but he did know that they had to make this better, no matter what. 

Then all heads turned as they heard a distressed cry from the doorway of the room. 

Lance was there, standing shakily and looking devastated as he gazed at his teammates and then at the screen playing the exchange that broke him.

* * *

**With Lance**

When Lance woke up, he was groggy, a faint aching pain in his chest. Also, he wasn’t in his bed, and definitely not in his room. Then the night before came rushing back to him. 

“Urgh,” Lance moaned, as he put his head in his hands. 

Last night was a mess. He was so angry; he was dying and he lashed out at his teammates. He was regretting it now. He just was so out of whack the last couple of days and it wasn’t their fault. His issues with his mama and what happened with Haggar… they weren’t his friends' faults. But he had treated them badly last night and he hated that. 

The looks on their faces as he screamed at them. He tossed and turned all night, still in pain, still exhausted. 

He pressed a hand to his chest, as if he could feel himself dying. It was of course ridiculous and not true, but he felt pain at the touch and it was a stark reminder that he was in danger. 

But hadn’t this been what he wanted? Didn’t he want to die?

Lance was so confused, again. Conflicted. The same things running through his head. 

_Worthless._

_Mama wants you to die._

_Pining after a couple._

_Disgusting._

_Not meant to pilot Red._

_You need to kill yourself or leave._

_Death, death, death._

Lance shook his head hard but all that accomplished was a sharp headache starting to build at the front of his forehead, between his eyes. 

“I messed up,” Lance whispered to no one. 

He had to at least find his friends and apologize, and then he could figure out what he wanted from there. He probably didn’t have a choice anyways because of Haggar. 

A part of him was angry at this, because yes, he wanted to be gone, but he wanted to do his way, his choice. And now that was taken away from him. 

He pulled the blankets off and got up, looking back at the tablet that had been scanning him, the dark tendrils he had seen last night coming from his heart had spread slightly, curling deeper into his body. 

Lance sighed and pulled on his clothing that rested at the edge of the bed. His legs were still a little weak and it jarred his chest to walk but he could, and that’s all that mattered. 

He made his way to the common room and stepped inside. Everyone was there, but what caused Lance’s blood to run cold was his mama’s face on the monitor, looking so angry and hateful. 

_“I can’t believe you would do this; you would go against God for your own selfish, sick desires.”_

_“Don’t come home.”_

_“I hope the good Lord takes your soul before you become corrupted by your horrific sin.”_

_“We don’t love you anymore, I hope you die.”_

Lance nearly fell in his haste to rush to the monitor, trying to shut it off. 

“No! Turn it off, Pidge! Fuck, please, please shut it off!” He cried, pushing at Pidge, clinging desperately to their shoulders trying to urge them to shut down the feed. Pidge looked stunned, not that Lance was upset, but at the harsh hands on their shoulders, squeezing a little too hard, and the desperation in his eyes, he almost looked crazy. 

“TURN IT OFF!” Shiro yelled stepping forward toward the two, ready to help if Lance became aggressive again. 

Lance cried and started to collapse to the floor, the hand still hanging onto the smooth dash of the panel, slid off as Lance sunk down. He would have been startled if he hadn’t been sobbing so hard, he couldn’t see anything but shapes in front of him. Blurs of Hunk, Pidge, Allura, Coran, and Shiro just near his head as Keith held him half in his lap. 

“I can’t watch that again please, let it end. I want it to end,” Lance cried. The monitor had, thankfully, been shut off after Pidge had been released and right before Lance collapsed. 

They let him cry, days of pain and agony washed over him as his chest clenched sharply. He lets it all out, and it goes on until he’s hiccupping and working to catch his breath. 

“Breathe, Lance, just breathe…” Pidge’s voice was softer than he’s ever heard it. His eyes swam again, feeling bad that he’s made them all worry. 

“It’s okay, hermano, it’s going to be alright.” Hunk sat close, kneeling right in front of him, one hand reaching out to rub at the tears on Lance’s cheeks. 

“H-how c-can any o-o-f this b-beh-be okay, ever again?” Lance sobbed out, grabbing at the only thing he could to anchor himself. 

His fingers twisted in Keith’s jacket not wanting to let go for many reasons: not wanting to fall, not wanting to be alone, not wanting to lose being close to another person right now, even if it’s just physically. Shiro’s hand rubbed up and down his back in a soothing motion.

“I didn’t want anyone to _know_. And n-now you all do, you must h-hate me.” His breathing started to get a little better but his words were still stuttering when he tried to speak.

“No! Why would we hate you? If we hate anyone it’s that woman, I won’t even bother to call her a mother because she’s not!” Pidge said fiercely, reaching out to touch Lance’s shoulder. 

Lance whimpered at the mention of his mama. 

“But she’s my family… they’re all I have,” Lance whispered, before looking up into the eyes of his worried friends. 

“Lance, you’re my brother. Family is so much more than blood or who raised you. We are your family. No matter what happens, we won’t abandon you.” Hunk spoke calmly, but with a small shake in his voice. He didn’t like to see Lance like this, his bubbly best friend who worked so hard to make all of them smile. 

“Keith… I lied to you,” Lance said forlornly. 

Keith looked surprised, “What do you mean?”

“I wasn’t just looking at the stars in the airlock.” 

Keith shut his eyes sighing and wrapped his arms tight around Lance, as if he was afraid of letting go. As if he was afraid the boy would unravel and float away into nothingness. 

“I know.”

Lance cried again, quieter this time as Shiro pressed in closer trying to comfort him. 

Lance looked up at Shiro, tears glistening and face red, his oceanic blue eyes wide and lost, “why-why doesn’t she want me anymore? Why am I not good enough for her? Why doesn’t my family love me?”

Every heart in the room broke.

“No Lance, she’s not good enough for _you_. Your family is _here_. And we love you, we love you so much. And you’re more than enough, you’re home with us.” Shiro said carding his human hand through Lance’s brown locks soothingly. Lance seemed to sag and sink into himself.

“I shouldn’t be a paladin. Allura, after I’m gone you have to talk to Red, get her to let Keith back in. Shiro can have Black and you guys can form Voltron. I was never supposed to be a paladin, and everyone knows that,” Lance said, pulling his hand to his face to wipe at his eyes. 

“Lance, that’s not true! Blue chose you, and then not only did one lion choose you but Red did as well. You’ve been chosen by two lions, just like Keith. You are worthy of everything you are afraid you are not worthy of. You have all the qualities of a paladin and not only that but of an Altean. You’re worth much more than you know, Lance. You just need to believe in yourself.” Allura’s voice was smooth and confident. 

She really believed in him. 

“But I don’t. I don’t believe in myself. I’ve been the weakest link. Not just here but at home, and at the Garrison. I was just a cargo pilot. If Keith hadn’t left, I wouldn’t have been promoted.” Keith’s grip tightened at the mention of his name. 

“That’s bullshit, Lance, you are a fantastic pilot and a great shot. How are we supposed to end the war without our number one sharpshooter,” Shiro said, voice wobbly as he tried not to cry. 

Lance looked shocked, Shiro never cried, at least not that any of them had ever seen. Lance reached out to touch Shiro’s arm. 

“Do you guys really believe that?” Lance asked quietly. 

“Yes.”

“Of course, my boy!”

“Absolutely, you’re irreplaceable.”

“Duh, you moron.”

“Pidge!”

“We need you, hermano.”

“You’re invaluable, a true Paladin.”

Lance laughed wetly, as he tried to dry his eyes. Maybe things weren’t so bad, maybe things would get better. With his friends by his side. 

“Can we delete that video? I don’t want to see it ever again. I’m not okay yet, I don’t know how long that will take, but I’ll try. Just don’t, like, leave me alone with anything sharp,” Lance said seriously. 

Everyone stiffened at that, but understood where he was coming from. 

“The video will be deleted and we won’t leave you alone. We are going to help you. You can get through this,” Keith said, gripping Lance almost painfully hard now. 

Lance tried to smile but let out a terrible cough that rattled his lungs and chest. He felt his heart aching again. 

“Well, looks like you won’t need to worry about me killing myself. Haggar’s doing a great job,” Lance joked sheepishly. 

“No, we’re gonna find her and get her to reverse the curse,” Shiro said firmly. 

Lance went to argue when Pidge cut him off. 

“I swear to god, if you try to be a stupid fucking martyr and tell us to just let you die and shit, I’m gonna kill you myself.” 

“I’m not going to argue with you, gremlin. You’re scary when you’re mad,” Lance tried to laugh again but stopped himself, afraid the horrible chest pain would return. 

“This has been enough excitement for one day and it’s only just started. I’m so tired,” Lance said. 

“I know, but you’re going to be. As the curse spreads you’ll become weaker. Things are only going to get harder from here on out. But we will be here with you, and we will find Haggar, you’ll be right as a prancing doshnark in no time at all!” Coran’s faith made Lance smile.

But a part of him knew it might be in vain. 

* * *

Lance struggled to get up the next morning. Coran checked his vitals again last night and told the team that it was getting worse. The curse was speeding up gradually. 

He couldn’t eat. His body rejected everything, even water. He was becoming weaker and sicker. The magic inside of him was draining him. Something that would take weeks on Earth with normal starvation and sickness was happening in hours. 

He was getting lighter, his ribs were showing, and his clothing swallowed him with how small his body became. 

He tried to hold a cup of water last night, but it couldn’t and spilled all over the floor. Lance almost cried, and apologized. 

“It’s only water,” Hunk said gently, cleaning it up and holding the next cup to Lance’s lips to help him drink. 

He vomited it up 20 minutes later. 

So now when Lance tried to sit up and felt weak and dizzy. He stood anyways, holding onto his side table for support but cried out when his legs gave out and fell to the floor, knocking down his alarm clock and tablet to the floor with a loud clatter. 

“Lance!” someone yelled, coming into the room. 

It was Shiro, he heard the commotion from the hall on the way to check on Lance. 

“Come on, let’s get you to the med bay.” 

Shiro picked Lance up, one arm under his knees and the other supporting his shoulders. He held Lance close, trying not to jostle him too much.

Lance coughed weakly. 

“Shiro, I need a favor. I don’t want to die alone in the med bay. When it gets closer, if-if we don’t find Haggar I want you to promise me something. But I can’t tell you what it is yet.”

Shiro frowned down at Lance. 

“I don’t think I can promise something that I don’t know anything about,” He said seriously. 

“Please, just please. I can’t talk about it now. Just when I ask can you promise that you’ll try at least?” Lance asked, changing the question so that there was less pressure on Shiro. 

“Yeah, I can promise I’ll try. But you’re gonna be fine, Lance. Hunk, Pidge, and Allura are scouring the universe for Haggar. We’re gonna save you.”

“You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep, Shiro,” Lance whispered into the older man’s chest. 

Shiro’s heart clenched painfully as he felt the small body in his arms trembling. Sharp ribs, thin frame. He weighed almost nothing. He was almost gone, like he was fading and if Shiro looked down again he would be met with his arms holding nothing at all. 

Just emptiness. 

It was at that moment that Shiro vowed he would do whatever it took to keep his promise. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More funny things:
> 
> Mars (calling me on the phone while she's editing my chapter): WHY?!
> 
> Me: What?! What did I do?! 
> 
> Mars: YOU CHANGED TENSES SO MANY TIMES I AM SO CONFUSED!
> 
> Me: (sheepish): oh sorry lol. 
> 
> Mars: (unamused): you're sorry?! ugh. (hangs up on me)
> 
> \---
> 
> So Mars put a note in my story where I said: never have to be alone (when Keith is talking to Lance and her note said this: Man, you better, I don't know, maybe sleep in my bed? You know, with me and Shiro. And then never go back to your room? Haha... yeah? LMFAO XD I DIED!
> 
> \---
> 
> Me: prancing doshnark.
> 
> Mars: a what now?!
> 
> Me: I just made it up. 
> 
> Mars: oh like succules? 
> 
> Me: I'm never gonna live that down am I?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I cried while writing this. That's all I'm gonna say on the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, 
> 
> I'm sorry about this chapter. It was difficult to write. But I think it will be the most emotionally draining thing I'll ever write until my larger piece that's coming right after this one. Thank you to Mars for editing this for me, I love you and appreciate you. 
> 
> TW: Temporary character death  
> TW: Blood  
> TW: Talk of death in general
> 
> \----

“Count your blessings early before the lot will hit the gates  
Winnings for the lucky living just takes Painkillers.”

* * *

Lance knew it was time. 

It had been two days since the team found out about his mama and being rejected from the family. Two days of painful agony as his body slowly slipped away, so close to being nothing. 

It was time. 

He had been sleeping in the medical bay so they could monitor him properly. There was someone with him at all times. More often than not it was Keith and Shiro. It made his heart ache, thinking about leaving them behind. Just because he couldn’t be with them didn’t mean he couldn’t be their friend. 

And at this point, it was more than enough for Lance. 

But now it was time, time to say goodbye. 

* * *

Keith and Shiro walked into the room where Lance was just waking up. They had some broth that Hunk had whipped up to try and get Lance to eat. Nothing had stayed down and the boy was getting thinner. 

They walked over and sat in the chairs that had been moved to his bedside so his teammates could stay with him. 

They didn’t want Lance alone. 

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Shiro asked, checking the monitors. They weren’t terrible, but they weren’t good either. His heart was too slow. 

Shiro reached out to brush the sweaty bangs from Lance’s eyes gently. Lance smiled painfully but leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. 

“I feel pretty terrible, man,” Lance joked.

No one laughed. 

“Have we found Haggar yet?” Lance asked, his small voice hopeful. 

Keith put the bowl of broth aside and looked mournful. 

“Not yet, but we will. Pidge thinks they are close to finding Lotor. That should lead up straight to Haggar.” Keith wrapped his hand around Lance’s wrist and squeezed softly, trying to find some way to comfort him. 

Trying to do, just anything to make this all okay. 

But it wasn’t. 

And they all knew that. 

“You need to try and eat,” Shiro said, helping Lance to sit up while Keith brought the bowl closer. 

“No, guys-” Lance’s voice cracked and he coughed a little. 

“Guys, I can’t keep anything down anymore. There’s no point. It’s literally not staying down long enough to do anything for me.” They had tried to feed him intravenously, but it didn't work. Coran and Allura thought it was the curse keeping him from getting better. 

The older boys wanted to protest, but they knew he was right. 

Lance looked up at Shiro, reaching for his arm. Cold fingers grasped warm skin. 

“I need you to help me.”

Shiro frowned and sat by the bed, glancing at Keith briefly before turning his focus back on Lance. 

“I need to see everyone today, one at a time. I need to tell them things, before it’s too late. And I need you guys to take me to the hanger. Blue and Red, I need to see them too.” Lance’s voice wavered just slightly but tried to keep it strong. He didn’t want to argue about this. He needed to do this before it was too late. 

Before time ran out. 

Keith clenched his fist and scowled. 

“You’re not gonna die, Lance! We’re going to find Haggar and you’re going to be fine, fucking _fine_.” Keith's face was angry, but his eyes were swirls of soft violet that watered. 

“Keith,” Shiro said, trying to calm his lover. His hands went out to touch Keith’s, trying to still him into peace. 

“No, Shiro! He can’t just make us all say goodbye to him! We’re not ready and he’s going to be okay! Everything is going to work out, and I’m not-” Keith choked on his words tearing his gaze away from Shiro’s face to look into Lance’s hazy blue eyes. 

“I’m not ready.”

Lance smiled gently and grabbed Keith’s arm and tugged lightly. Keith understood and crumpled forward across the bed to wrap his arms around Lance’s small form. 

“I know, none of us are ready. But you and Shiro are going to be last. So, you still have some time before I talk to you both. And I do- wanna talk to you both, _together_ ,” Lance said into Keith’s hair. 

He felt so _tired_. His body was weak, just holding onto Keith was a strain for Lance. 

He didn’t want to let go, but he couldn’t hang on anymore. 

Lance wasn’t sure if he was talking about hugging Keith or dying. 

Shiro looked heartbroken but tried to smile, for Lance. 

“Okay, we can do that. What do you want to do first?” Shiro asked, once Keith was back in his seat. 

“I have letters for everyone, the handwriting is fucked because my hands keep shaking. But I do want to talk to them and then, when I’m gone, they can read the letters. I want to talk to Coran first. Can you make sure they know about the letters? I’m so exhausted, I can’t make it through any really long conversations today.”

 _Today_. 

Probably his last day. 

“Yeah I’ll go get Coran. Sit tight, if you need anything Keith will be here. Waiting on you hand and foot,” Shiro joked. 

Lance really did laugh then, ignoring the violent rattle in his chest. 

“All it took was me dying to get my wish: Keith doing whatever I want,” Lance teased. Keith looked offended and scowled. 

“Yeah, whatever, McClain, only ‘cause I feel bad for you.” The air that had been so tight finally turned lighter and both younger boys smiled at each other.

‘God, I’m gonna miss this,’ Lance thought forlornly. 

Shiro smiled fondly and left the room. 

* * *

Shiro felt sick as he walked down the hall to the bridge. That was where everyone else had gathered to try and hunt down the witch. He didn’t want to say goodbye. He was inconsolable. But he knew Lance was right. If they didn’t find her in time, Lance would die. 

He had to be strong. For everyone. For the team, for Keith, and for Lance. 

But who would be strong for Shiro? 

Shiro was used to this, being the adult. Being the one to make tough calls, he hated it. That’s why it was so easy to step down as leader of Voltron when Keith took command of Black. Shiro could help guide them while Keith ran the show. It was a good arrangement. 

He knew the team would be there for him. Knew Keith, even through his own grief, wouldn’t let him sink into despair and give up. They had each other, even if they would be missing their third and final piece. 

Shiro just wished they had more time. 

But right now, he needed to talk to the team and then think about what he and Keith were gonna say to Lance when it was their turn. 

When he reached the bridge, his eyes found Allura first. She looked weary but was focusing on spinning the star map so rapidly Shiro couldn’t keep up. Pidge was hunkered down over three tablets, typing quickly to decrypt the latest Galra intel they had received from the Blades. 

They had informed the Blades of what was happening and they sent them everything they had, literally everything. So much data Pidge was immediately overwhelmed.

Coran was with Hunk working on a much larger tablet, making plans for repairing some of the smaller pods in case they needed a quieter infiltration once they found Haggar. 

He felt a moment of supreme pride flow through his veins as he saw them all coming together to save Lance. If there was one thing they all agreed on, no matter how different each individual was, it was that Lance was the heart of Voltron, he kept them all together, he took care of them even at his own expense. 

Shiro knew that none of his teammates would give up on Lance. 

Not a chance in hell. 

Shiro cleared his throat and gathered the attention of everyone in the room. 

“Lance doesn’t have much time left. He wants to see each of us, to say goodbye.”

This went over about as well as Shiro thought it would. Pidge and Hunk were yelling and Allura was fierce in her determination that they _would find_ Haggar. Coran, knowingly, looked sad. 

Shiro pinched the bridge of his nose and waved a hand to silence them all. 

“Believe me, guys, I _know_. But Lance, he’s not getting any better. We haven’t found Haggar yet. And this is important to him. You have to see it from his perspective. Yeah, we might find Haggar, but if we don’t, he doesn’t get to say goodbye to any of his friends. We all need to suck it up and let him do what he needs to do. Not because we won’t find Haggar-” He said, cutting off Pidge who looked angry and about to jump in, “but because he _needs_ this. Closure, just in case. He wrote letters too; they are more detailed for each of us. We can open them if- well you know. Try not to stay too long, he’s weak and in pain.” Shiro’s tone was wounded but left no room for argument. 

“We’re gonna find Haggar, Shiro. I’m not saying goodbye. Fuck that,” Pidge said, grabbing their tablets and storming off. 

Hunk had started to cry and motioned towards Pidge’s retreating figure. 

“I’ll talk to them, I know Lance, he would be devastated to not be able to talk to us. I don’t want his last thoughts to be regret and feeling alone. Just… find me when it’s my turn,” Hunk said, before taking off after their resident genius. 

Shiro turned to Coran. 

“He wants to see you first.” 

Coran nodded and headed to the med bay. 

Shiro shared a look with Allura that spoke volumes, more than anything either of them could have said. 

* * *

Lance and Coran talked for a long time. 

As soon as Coran arrived, Keith left to go find Shiro. 

They talked about how grateful Lance was for the stories of Altea and Coran’s life. 

Lance told him how much it meant to hear Coran’s great storytelling and privy to information from his childhood. 

Coran felt the same and said he loved to hear the stories of Lance’s family back in Cuba. When Coran said that it caused some pain to flit across Lance’s face. But it was gone then, because even if he was disowned, it didn’t mean those good and beautiful memories didn’t happen. 

Lance didn’t want to forget a single second of them. 

Before Coran left, he asked him to send Allura. 

Coran’s hands touched Lance’s and squeezed. 

A goodbye, without words. 

* * *

When Allura sat beside Lance the first thing he did was apologize for all the flirting he had done from the moment he met her. 

She waved him off, saying it was an endearing part of his personality. 

He told her that he felt honored to have met her. 

How she was an incredible princess and that Altea would be avenged. 

With her at the helm the universe would not only survive, but flourish. 

He said that she was the strongest woman he had ever met and that she deserved the whole world. 

He wanted her to know that his wish, as a Paladin, was for exploration after the war. To go as far as they could and help as many people as possible. And when this generation was over to pass the mantle to the next one, and the next, until everything ended. 

He told her he was just a single star in a vast universe.

But she told him that without the stars, there wouldn’t be a universe. 

Lance smiled wide at her words. 

He knew she was right, and through all of his depression that was probably the most important thing anyone said to him. 

Before she left, she reached out and touched both sides of his face before leaning in to press her forehead to his. A traditional Altean goodbye meaning love but so much more than that.

“We will meet again, Lance.”

Lance felt his cheeks warming just below his eyes and frowned. 

“Wha-?”

When she pulled away, she smiled as she saw two small blue marks on his cheeks below his eyes. She caressed the marks softly before pulling her hands away.

“You have been blessed with Altean marks, Lance. It means you’ve been honored and are precious.” 

Lance blushed brightly and reached up to tentatively touch the marks on his cheeks. 

Allura moved to stand up and started to leave the room. 

When she got to the hall, she broke down sobbing. 

That was where Coran found her not too long after and together, they held each other and mourned. 

* * *

When Hunk came into the med bay Lance reached out to do their hand signals, albeit shakily, and then laughed. 

If Hunk noticed the blue Altean markings now on Lance’s face, he didn’t say anything. Hunk knew what it meant and that was enough for him. 

“Buddy,” Lance said. 

Hunk started to cry almost immediately, and Lance held his hand attempting to soothe his oldest friend. 

Lance asked him if he remembered that time, they stole Iverson’s underwear and hung it from the Garrison’s flagpole. 

Hunk laughed so hard he couldn’t breathe for a moment. 

Then Hunk asked if he remembered how Iverson had then lined everyone in their class up and made them run drills until someone confessed to the crime. Iverson had thought it was Hunk just because he was the only one that could have gotten the underwear up there, which had been true, but Lance was the mastermind and didn’t want Hunk going down, so he confessed to the crime. He ran suicides until his legs gave out and Hunk and Pidge had to carry him back to his room. 

They were both crying with laughter after that story. 

Lance had sighed and looked into Hunk’s eyes. 

He told him he couldn’t have asked for a better best friend. 

He told Hunk that he was so lucky. 

And Hunk said, “No, Lance, _I’m_ the lucky one.”

Lance gave a watery smile to his friend and went to wipe his own eyes with the back of his hand. 

Lance told him he was sad about his family. 

But, he was happy that he had Hunk and his teammates. 

That they were his family.

Hunk told Lance that he would always be his hermano, no matter what. 

Then Lance threatened to stalk Hunk in the afterlife if he didn’t ask Shay out. 

Hunk blushed. 

Lance laughed. 

“It’s going to be okay, Hunk; you can’t let this stop you. When Voltron wins the war, which it will, keep going. You’re so good at bringing people together with laughter and happiness, use that gift to help the universe.” 

Hunk said he would but didn’t say that he thought that _Lance_ was the one that brought people together. 

It didn’t need to be said, it was something Hunk would always know. 

Lance started to cry, still smiling through it all. 

“Is there anything I can do for you?” Hunk asked. 

“Just keep smiling for me, buddy,” Lance said. 

They embraced fiercely. 

And Lance didn’t care that his bones ached, or that his chest hurt. This was better than all that pain. 

When Hunk went to leave, he turned, giving Lance his biggest smile. 

He wanted Lance to remember him that way, just like that.

Happy. 

* * *

When Pidge finally made their way into the room where Lance waited, they dragged their feet and their eyes looked red behind their glasses. 

“This is stupid,” Pidge said right away, before slumping into the chair by Lance’s bed. 

Lance smiled softly at Pidge. 

He had known this would be hardest on them. Emotion was never their strong point. 

“I know this is hard for you.”

“Hard for me!? You’re the one who’s-” Pidge cut themselves off, struggling to say the word, ‘dying.’

Lance smirked, “Yeah, well one of us needs to be the adult here.”

Pidge laughed loudly at that. 

“You’re never the adult, Lance.”

“I know, that’s why you have to be strong now.”

Pidge sobered and adjusted their glasses before gazing intently at Lance. 

“The others will have your back. I know you don’t trust easily. We all know that. But you will find your dad and Matt. You _have_ to trust them. It’s a terrible road to walk alone without friends. You need them and they need you.”

“I _trust_ them. I just don’t really trust myself. What if I fail and I can’t save them? I couldn’t save you…”

That was the first time Pidge had acknowledged that Lance might not make it. 

Their lower lip trembled, and Lance opened his arms in a gentle invitation. 

Pidge lunged forward towards Lance and crawled onto the bed curling into his side and started to sob. 

They cried and cried into Lance’s chest. 

Lance ran his fingers through their hair and held them as tight as he could, even when it ached. 

Even when his body shook from the strain. 

“It’s okay Pidgeon. You’re not alone,” Lance whispered into their hair. 

“Yeah, but _you_ won’t be here.” 

Lance chuckled. 

“You don’t need me to go on, hon, you have all the power inside of you.” 

Pidge looked up at him. 

“We do need you.” 

“But you can’t have me, if this goes south and I don’t make it… you have to be prepared. You can’t stop, you can’t afford it.” Lance squeezed them tighter again as if to emphasize the point. 

“If anything were to happen to you guys, I would be heartbroken. You all need to keep fighting, save the universe, and then go and be happy. Live out your lives to the fullest with no regrets.”

“I-I don’t want y-you to go,” Pidge cried, their tears soaking into Lance’s shirt. 

Lance choked up, not wanting to see Pidge breakdown like this. He looked to the ceiling trying to will his own tears away. 

He knew this was a good thing for Pidge though. They _needed_ to start _feeling_ again. They couldn’t just hide behind wit and sarcasm. They had to reach deeper. 

“You’re an incredible person. One of the first people I came out to and you accepted me without question. That meant so much to me, I’ll never forget it.”

“You’ll find your family. You have to believe you will and then make it happen. Use the team, they all want to help.”

Pidge nodded and held tighter to Lance. 

He told them how they needed at least eight hours of sleep a night. 

That they had to eat three meals a day. 

And that no, ice cream was not a meal. 

Neither was peanut butter. 

They needed to train hard, just as much as they needed to search for their family. 

He was adamant about that, because it wouldn’t matter if they found their family if they couldn’t protect themselves or died trying. 

He kissed the top of their head and when they pulled away, tear stained face and red rimmed eyed he pressed a finger towards their heart.

“I’m right here, this isn’t goodbye, because I am always with you.”

Pidge sniffed and nodded, “Altean marks huh?” 

Lance smiled and reached up to brush his fingers against them. 

“Huh, yeah, I guess. It happened when I spoke to Allura. I wonder what it means…

Pidge looked into his eyes and shook their head. Like Lance was so dense but they wouldn’t have them any other way. Pidge went to leave the room. 

Before they exited, a hand on the doorframe, they turned. 

“You should tell Keith and Shiro how you feel, before it’s too late.”

They left then, leaving a shocked Lance in their wake. 

* * *

Lance had told Keith and Shiro to give him some time before they came back. 

He didn’t tell them why. 

_‘Blue? Are you there, beautiful?’_

_‘My Paladin.’_

_Lance laughed._

_‘Allura’s your paladin now, has been for a while.’_

_‘My FAVORITE paladin,’ Blue murmured._

_Lance shook his head._

_‘Blue… why did you choose me?’_

_‘Good, kind, loyal.’_

_Lance blushed at the truthfulness that surged through the bond._

_‘You put everyone else first. You embody everything the first blue paladin was, maybe even more so. You are water, changing and moving.’_

_A feeling of pride and love flowed through the vibrating sapphire bond._

_‘Blue, I don’t have much time left.’_

_Blue wept mournfully._

_‘I know… you’ll always be my boy.’_

_Blue sent lovelovelovelovelove into Lance’s mind._

_‘And you’ll always be my best girl.’_

_Blue purred and Lance closed the connection._

Lance sighed, tears in his eyes as he opened up his connection to Red. 

_‘Hey love…’_

_He knew she was there the second the connection opened._

_Red always felt like fire warming his soul._

_‘You can’t leave! I’ll tear through the universe and find the witch. Bring her to her knees.’_

_Lance laughed fondly._

_‘I know you would, but just in case we can’t. I want to ask you. I already asked Blue. But why me? You could have chosen Allura, her father piloted you before’_

_‘You fit with me. You were the perfect match.’_

_Red paused and seemed to be thinking._

_‘Brave, selfless, passionate.’_

_Lance smiled, he never really thought of himself like that._

_‘Wrong. You don’t see your worth. It’s frustrating.’_

_Lance barked out a laugh at that._

_‘You’re my spitfire girl. Always protecting me, I love you for that.’_

_A feeling of home and comfort and joy rushed through the ruby colored bond and he could feel Red purring in time with his own heart._

_‘My brave paladin, I won’t forget you.’_

The connection closed and Lance smiled. 

* * *

When Keith and Shiro came back into the room Lance was crying, curled up on his side clutching at his chest. 

They rushed to him and hands went out to touch the smaller boy. 

“Did it get worse?”

“What’s going on?

Shiro checked the monitor again, not much had changed. 

“No-no I’m just sad. It’s silly.”

Keith looked affronted. 

“It’s not silly! You’re sick, Lance.”

Lance tried to smile but his body ached, and he was so worn out from talking to everyone. He finally looked up at his two older teammates and they both inhaled sharply. 

“Lance… how did this happen?” Shiro asked, reaching to brush a thumb against one of the light blue marks, glowing softly on Lance’s face. 

“Allura, she, she touched my forehead with hers and said she would meet me again someday and then they just-just appeared. I don’t know why though.”

Keith looked in awe at the beautiful marks. They fit Lance perfectly. 

“I think I know… I think it’s because of your connection to Red. That was Alfor’s lion, Allura’s father. You have all the qualities of an Altean from what Allura and Coran say when they speak about it. I think Allura’s love for you, as well as Red’s, gave you those marks. I mean we will never know for sure, I guess. But that feels right,” Keith said thoughtfully. 

“Yeah maybe, do they look okay?” Lance asked, not having seen them yet and suddenly self-conscious.

“They’re beautiful,” Keith whispered. Lance blushed and smiled at Keith. He reached out and squeezed Keith’s hand. 

Lance looked up at Shiro, suddenly serious and Shiro frowned. 

“I told you I would need you to promise something. And you said you wouldn’t promise something you didn’t know but you said you would try.”

“I remember, ” Shiro said nodding, sitting on the side of Lance’s bed, running his hand through his hair. 

“I want you both to stay with me. I don’t want to die alone.” Lance’s voice wavered and he started to cry. He was so tired of crying, but it just kept happening. 

Shiro took Lance in his arms and pulled Keith closer to them. 

“That’s an easy promise. We were never going to leave you,” Shiro said into Lance’s hair as he held him. 

“You couldn’t get rid of us if you tried. We’re not leaving you,” Keith said fiercely, but softly. His hand resting on the back of Lance’s neck, rubbing soothing circles in the skin there. 

“One more thing, I don’t know if this will be difficult, but I want to see the stars, just one last time.” 

Keith swallowed painfully, he hated this. Hated talking about Lance dying like it was a done deal, they still had time, it couldn’t be the end. 

“I’ll carry you, and Keith can wheel the heart monitor. We need to keep you hooked up to it, just in case something changes in you.”

Keith was already getting up and maneuvering the cords so there was some give but not enough that someone tripped. 

“This might hurt, are you sure?” Shiro asked, concern pulling at the corners of his eyes, making him look older than he was. 

“Yeah, it’s okay, everything hurts anyways. Just laying here hurts. It will be worth it.”

“Okay then,” Shiro said, as he lifted Lance carefully into his arms. One arm going under his knees the other wrapped around his shoulders to bring him flush against his chest. 

Shiro’s breath hitched and he choked as tears welled. He was so light. 

He felt so fragile. 

Lance started to cough violently, blood staining his lips as he went to wipe it away with the back of his hand, smearing dark red over his too-pale skin.

“I’m okay, Shiro,” Lance said when the older man looked at him in panic. 

Shiro blinked away the tears and the three of them headed for the observatory. It was near the bridge but off to the right, a large open space with couches where the front wall was all glass and you could see everything. They had found Lance here so many times, not even sitting on the couch but passed out right in front of the glass, like he had pressed his nose to it to take in everything. 

When they reached the room, Keith arranged the monitor to sit off to the right and Shiro sat down, arranging Lance to lay across his lap so his upper half was on Shiro and his lower half was spread across Keith’s lap. Keith held his legs to him, keeping Lance secure and comfortable as the boy could be and then they watched as Lance turned and looked out at the universe spread before them. 

Shiro’s comm lit up and he moved Lance gently to answer it. 

“Yeah?”

Pidge’s voice broke through the communicator in excitement. 

“We found Lotor! Haggar is with him, the Blade’s intel worked out. It will take us about two hours to get there, so you don’t need to do anything yet. But GUYS, we FOUND HER!” Pidge was almost yelling and Lance smirked, it was small, but he was happy to hear Pidge sounding so hopeful. 

“Fantastic, Pidge, just let us know when we need to suit up. We’ll make sure Lance is in the med bay with Coran before we leave.”

“Copy that.” 

The communication cut off. 

Keith smiled at Shiro; they were gonna make it. Lance was going to be okay, he had to be. 

“You hear that? You’re gonna be okay.”

Lance didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to get their hopes up when he knew it wasn’t absolutely certain they would reverse the curse. 

The stars were beautiful, the scene ethereal. When Lance looked into the galaxy everything but Shiro, Keith, and the stars faded away. 

He felt transcendent. 

He felt content and at peace, for the first time in so long. 

Then he remembered what Pidge said. 

It was time. 

Lance reached one hand up to touch Shiro’s cheek, cupping him there, while the other threaded through Keith’s fingers, interlacing them together. 

Lance looked up at them both, cobalt eyes hazy but focused. “I need to tell you both something. I know we found Haggar… but I don’t think-I don’t think I’m gonna make it.

“No! Lance, don’t _say_ that!” Keith cried out, tightening his fingers around Lance’s.

“No, stop, I need to get this out. I can’t wait any longer, it’s too late.”

Shiro touched Lance’s cheek and the smaller boy leaned into it. 

“I should have told you ages ago, but I was scared and didn’t want to fuck things up. But I don’t want to die without having told you. Without being honest. I-” Lance started to cough violently, some blood spilling from the corner of his mouth. 

“But I need you to know something first. Keith, I don’t care about a rivalry that I started and kept going. I never hated you, never. I could never hate someone so hard working and incredible and protective as you. There’s not a bone in your body that I hate and I’m sorry I wasted all this time fighting with you, wasting so much time when- well.” Lance cut off, looking into warm violet eyes. His fingers squeezed again. 

“It doesn’t matter what blood you have running through your veins, you’re the boy who lived alone in the desert looking for Shiro. The boy who waited for months and months until you found him. You both found each other, you were destined to be. Don’t ever forget that. People don’t do what you did and end up alone. You both, unknowingly, fought towards the pull in your hearts and came together. That’s destiny. Don’t throw it away. You’re worthy of love and everything else good in this universe.” Lance’s breath hitched as he swallowed down another mouthful of blood. Keith looked shocked and absolutely devastated. 

"And Shiro, you’re so brave, you’ve been through so much. You were my hero, the whole reason I applied to the Garrison, the whole reason I ended up in space. I’ve been following you for years and years and ended up in space with you. That’s crazy to me, how things all work themselves out. But you’re strong, stronger than the arena, stronger than Haggar and the druids, stronger than that arm.” Lance stared into his eyes, as if trying to send his feelings through an invisible string right through to his heart. 

“What you have in your heart is stronger than whatever nightmares are in your head, I need you to remember that.” Shiro had tears streaming down his face, a few dripping onto Lance’s hand that still cupped his cheek. A few stray tears landed on Lance’s arm, the same one holding Keith’s hand.

“Just know this, both of you. Whenever you feel the rain on your skin, or see the ocean at night, or come across a river that flows and rages… that’s me. I’m right there with you. I’ll _always_ be with you.” 

Keith was crying and he never cried. Not when his father died or his mother left or when she returned. Not when Shiro was gone for that year, and not when he almost sacrificed himself during the Omega Shield incident. Keith never cried. But then Lance came into his life right after Shiro and it pulled a softer side out of the boy and the idea of losing Lance broke his heart. 

It broke Shiro’s too. 

Lance coughed and choked on his own blood before finally getting out the words he’d been desperate to say. 

“Promise me you won’t forget me. Promise me you won’t forget about the boy who watched you fall in love, and who loved you too.” 

Keith and Shiro gripped him tight and looked at him in sorrow and shock, blurrily through tears. 

And then it happened. 

Lance’s whole body locked as he arched painfully off their bodies. Lance’s eyes slid closed and the hand gripping Keith’s fingers went slack as the one touching Shiro’s face fell to hang limply off to the left of his body, bloody and resting on the floor. Blood spilled from his nose and the corner of his turned down mouth. 

Keith was reaching for Lance, touching his face trying to get him to open his eyes as Shiro turned to look up at the heart rate monitor. His breath hitched and he held tight to Lance’s unmoving slack body. 

‘Well mama, guess you’re getting your wish,’ Lance thought, a single tear sliding down his face over his Altean mark and dropping down onto Keith and Shiro’s hands that were both holding him over his chest. 

Lance’s heart stopped. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me, it gets happier I swear!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘All this fucking time… all this time, we could have told him. He could have been loved before all this bullshit happened. But he was in pain and agony and depressed… suicidal. And we could have said something. Now he might be gone, and he may never know… ‘ Keith thought. 
> 
> They were both terrified. But they wouldn’t give up, not when there could still be a chance. 
> 
> A single chance to save Lance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys!
> 
> Beta had a brutally horribly exhausting week, so here you go! We get to see some new POVs here. Also SHOUTOUT FOR LENDYS for helping me put a name to the curse and educating me on some interesting mythology, YOU'RE SO AWESOME THANK YOU! 
> 
> TW: blood  
> TW: character still dead
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> \----  
> \----

“Manna won't fall till the people all speak

I believe I believe I believe I believe.”

* * *

The team gathered around Lance who was frozen in a pod. 

It had been like something out of a nightmare. His heart had stopped, Shiro ordered Keith to perform CPR because Shiro was afraid he would hurt the now fragile Lane. 

Keith tried. 

Keith broke 3 of Lance’s ribs. 

Shiro called everyone on the communicator as he lifted Lance’s lifeless body in his arms and ran to the med bay. 

Everyone was desperate. Hunk was crying, Pidge’s hands were clenched into tight fists. Allura looked painfully resigned, and Coran had started to run to the pods. 

Keith’s eyes glazed over, wide and vulnerable. It wasn’t a look many people had seen. 

Shiro stood behind Keith with his arms wrapped around his lover’s waist. They both looked at Lance. 

Shiro felt numb, he kept thinking, ‘What if this was it?’

Lance was still and quiet. Not breathing. 

It had been Pidge’s idea. A weird type of death-induced coma. He wasn’t alive but he wasn’t gone yet either. 

He just _was_. 

No one said anything.

* * *

**Flashbacks**

When Coran and Allura heard Shiro frantically screaming over the coms about Lance’s heart stopping, theirs stuttered. 

They were on the bridge, Allura had opened a wormhole to get them closer to where they located Haggar. Pidge and Hunk were in the engineering room, the jump was one of the largest ones that they had ever attempted, and Coran said they needed to watch things down there, just in case something happened. 

“He’s not breathing??” Allura asked desperately into the com.

Allura and Coran could hear the others yelling through the communicator, but they were waiting to hear back from Shiro. 

“He’s not breathing. He’s-he’s not moving. His heart isn’t beating. Keith is trying CPR but it’s not working.”

Allura heard Pidge say something about the med bay and that they all needed to meet there. Allura could barely hear over the pounding in her ears. 

Allura and Coran started to run, the ship was on auto pilot towards Lotor’s base but if Lance was already- it wouldn’t matter anyways. 

Coran knew it was going to happen. He knew what was coming. But it didn’t stop the distress he felt knowing that they were too late. It was bittersweet, they had just found Haggar and now…

Coran was glad that he had been able to talk to Lance at least. He’s glad he knew that he cared. 

Allura was scared, she knew this was coming. But it didn’t stop her fear from eating up her spine and settling cold and clammy in her brain. 

But no matter what, they would do everything they could to prevent this from becoming a reality. 

* * *

Pidge’s blood ran cold and they looked at Hunk when they heard from Shiro that Lance wasn’t breathing. 

“No, no, no, Shiro what do you mean!?” Pidge yelled into the coms. 

Hunk stood ramrod straight, but his face crumbled, tears already welling in his eyes. 

“Pidge-” Hunk tried, reaching out to gently touch their shoulder. 

Pidge violently brushed them off. 

“NO!”

And then an idea hit, like a tidal wave crashing over Pidge’s head. Their eyes moved back and forth thinking of all the other options before realizing this was all they got. 

“Shiro! You need to get Lance to the med bay; I have an idea. We’ll meet you there.”

“Pidge… he’s not breathing. His heart stopped. I don’t thi-”

“Shut the fuck up, Shiro, and just LISTEN to me!” They turned off their communicator and smacked Hunk’s arm and started to run, jarring him out of his headspace. 

“Come on, hurry up!”

Hunk followed as if in a fog. 

This couldn’t be… he _just saw_ Lance a few hours ago. 

But Hunk ran, if anyone could figure something out, it was Pidge. 

Pidge was frantic. Angry, frustrated, heartbroken. 

This couldn’t be it. This couldn’t be where Lance’s life ended. 

There was so much more left for him to do. He had been through so much already. His family disowning him, depression, being thrown into an intergalactic war when they were all just teenagers. 

It was too much. This couldn’t be the end. 

Pidge wouldn’t let this be the end. 

* * *

Shiro was in shock. 

He didn’t believe it. 

He couldn’t believe it. 

He wouldn’t believe it. 

But he had to, his heart had stopped. 

There was no coming back from that. 

“Shiro! Snap out of it! We need to do something!”

Shiro started to shake his head back and forth.

Lance loved them. He had loved them all this time and because no one wanted to say anything about it, now it was too late. Shiro felt sick and a horribly grievous ache in his chest. They could have had him, had this happiness before he died. 

Lance was dead. 

“CPR… we can try CPR.” Shiro’s voice didn’t sound right to his own ears. 

Keith pulled Lance down from their laps to lay him on the floor.

“Okay, Shiro.”

Shiro’s face was devastated. He felt sick and stuck at the same time. Like he couldn’t pull himself together. Everything he was saying was on autopilot. 

“You have too… I could hurt him.”

Keith swore, tilted Lance’s head back, and started to breathe into his mouth before moving on to chest compressions. 

This was not the way he imagined his first kiss with Lance. He imagined all warmth and soft panting and laughter. 

Not slowly cooling lips, chapped and broken open from dehydration the past few days. He didn’t imagine blood, swirling into his own mouth every time he pressed his lips to Lance’s. 

He didn’t imagine touching his body this way, pressing against his chest, over and over and over again. Crying silent tears that slide down his face to land on Lance’s unresponsive body. 

He didn’t imagine he would feel a sickening crack as he broke Lance’s ribs from the strength of his pushing. 

“Fuck, Shiro, I think I-”

Shiro was kneeling there, looking at Lance’s closed eyes. 

“Keith…” Shiro looked up at Keith, eyes shining with tears. 

“He loved us. He really, really loved us.”

“Shiro, SNAP OUT OF IT!” Keith sobbed, trying to breathe into Lance’s mouth again. 

“He LOVES us! He’s not dead yet, Shiro! We can fix this!” 

Shiro just sat there, like he was in a dream, eyes far away but facing Lance’s closed ones. 

Keith had enough and yelled out, tears flying from his face, as he slapped Shiro across his face hard. 

“SHIRO! I NEED YOU! LANCE NEEDS YOU!”

Shiro looked up blinking at Keith’s wrecked face and pulled out his communicator. 

“Team come in. Lance’s-Lance’s heart stopped. He just-it gave out. He’s not breathing.”

“He’s not breathing??” Allura asked, her voice small. 

“No, no, no, Shiro, what do you mean!?” Pidge cried out. 

“He’s not breathing. He’s-he’s not moving. His heart isn’t beating. Keith is trying CPR but it’s not working.” Shiro was watching as Keith cried even harder, terrible sobs wracking his smaller body as he desperately tried to breathe into Lance’s bloody mouth. Keith turned him to his side and used his fingers to try and clear out as much of the blood as possible before starting back on his breaths. 

He had stopped chest compression, not wanting any of the broken ribs to puncture Lance’s lungs. 

“Shiro! You need to get Lance to the med bay; I have an idea. We’ll meet you there.” 

“Pidge… he’s not breathing. His heart stopped. I don’t thi-” Shiro started before he was cut off by hollowed screaming. 

“Shut the fuck up Shiro and just LISTEN to me!” Pidge screamed. 

The communicator cut off and it was like the haze was finally cleared away. Shiro lurched forward and picked up Lance desperately and started to run towards the med bay. 

Keith was hot on his heels, panting. 

‘All this fucking time… all this time, we could have told him. He could have been _loved_ before all this bullshit happened. But he was in pain and agony and depressed… suicidal. And we could have said something. Now he might be gone, and he may never know… ‘ Keith thought. 

They were both terrified. But they wouldn’t give up, not when there could still be a chance. 

A single chance to save Lance. 

* * *

When they reached the med bay Pidge and Hunk were already there followed by Allura and Coran. 

Allura gasped when she saw Lance dangling lifelessly in Shiro’s arms, Keith at their side still crying but trying to pull himself together. 

Hunk gave off a choked hiccup, he had never seen Lance so pale, so still and unmoving. This was a boy that talked a mile a minute and could never stop fidgeting. Someone that used their hands wildly when telling a story, and who’s facial expressions lit up when excited. 

This was so _wrong_.

This Lance was a hollow shell of his best friend. 

It made Hunk whimper. 

“Coran! Can the pods put someone in a coma? Is that an option?” Pidge moved over to Lance and pressed two fingers to his neck.

“Fuck,” Pidge said when they didn’t feel anything, almost as if they had to check for themselves. 

Just to be sure. 

“I mean in theory yes, but I don’t know why- ohhhhh, that’s a good idea. I don’t know if it will work but we can try. Shiro, put Lance in pod 4, quickly.” Coran had already started to pull up the hologram tablet for the pod and started swiping and pushing buttons. 

Shiro moved quickly but careful with Lance’s body. 

“I-Coran I think I broke his ribs; will that mess anything up?” Keith asked worriedly, as he hovered by the older man. 

“No, it shouldn’t. Once he’s in the pod we can check if the ribs ruptured anything inside of Lance. If they didn’t, he should be okay.”

“I don’t understand, he’s not breathing, how is this going to help??” Shiro asked, as he slid Lance into the pod watching as it closed, and the icy air washed over his body. 

Keith stared at him. He was still covered in blood, but the scariest part was that his Altean marks stopped glowing. That had to mean they were too late right? 

Keith was terrified. He had never been this terrified in his life.

Coran pressed some buttons and the screen he was using turned bright green. 

“Okay, three broken ribs, but nothing was punctured, and his heart has indeed stopped. Medically, he should be dead, but the pod is sustaining him for now.”

“I still don’t understand, Coran, his marks… they aren’t lit anymore. That means we were too late, he’s already go-” 

“Allura, I swear to god if you finish that sentence.”

“Why not?! Why not say it!? It’s the truth, he’s NOT BREATHING!” Allura glared at Pidge and stepped into their space. 

“Whoa! Everyone, back up now!” Hunk said, stepping between the two of them. 

“Hunk’s right guys, this isn’t helping anything. Pidge, explain,” Shiro said, turning towards them and resting a hand on the small of Keith’s back as he felt him start to shudder and wrap his arms around himself. 

It had been a coping method for Keith for as long as Shiro had known him. He would try to cave in on himself, make himself as small as possible, to protect himself from his own feelings. 

Pidge pinched the bridge of their nose and breathed out roughly, trying to get their anger under control. 

“He is in a medically induced coma, but for death. It’s not how doctors do it back on Earth with a patient that’s still breathing and alive. Because of the freezing properties and the fact that someone can come back after being dead if it hasn’t been too long, this will keep him in a sort of 'limbo' a 'middle space' if you will. He’s not alive, but he’s not gone yet either. We have time now; we can find that space bitch and get the damn cure and come back to save Lance,” Pidge finished, looking completely exhausted but their eyes held a fire, a promise of pain to Haggar for all the agony she caused. 

“This isn’t a quick fix though, what about humans and brain damage. We talked about this before, you all told me and Coran that when humans are dead or lose oxygen to their brain for too long, they might come back alive but be dead inside. Or whatever you called it,” Allura said, crossing her arms still glaring at Pidge. 

“You’re speaking about brain damage, that happens after a certain point, yes, but Shiro and Keith got him here in enough time I think,” Pidge said, frowning at Allura. They couldn’t understand why she was so certain it was over, that Lance was dead. 

“You think? You’re not a doctor, Pidge! You can’t know he’s going to be okay!” Allura yelled, stepping forward again. 

“And you can’t know he’s not! What makes you so fucking sure?! Huh, princess?!” Pidge screamed, shoving forward into Allura’s space so close they had to look up to see into her eyes. 

“BECAUSE HIS MARKS STOPPED GLOWING! THAT MEANS YOU’RE DEAD ON ALTEA! HE IS DEAD!” Allura yelled, face turning pink and breathing hard.

The room went silent for a minute and then everyone was talking at once. 

“What do you mean? Does that actually mean death??”

“No, he can’t be gone! We just found Haggar!”

“You’re such a bitch!”

“Pidge!”

“Allura how can you be completely sure??”

“EVERYONE STOP!” Coran bellowed. He never yelled and the room fell quiet in shock. 

“The pod says he’s not dead yet. It worked; Pidge’s idea worked. But Allura is also right, the amount of time he spent not breathing before we got him in… we don’t know what’s going to happen. But for now, he’s still here, so we need to stop fighting.”

“The only person we should be fighting is Haggar,” Hunk said, eyes sharp. He looked almost mean, cruel. It was completely out of place on the face of the kind paladin. It made all their blood boil thinking about the chaos and strife the witch had caused them. 

“We need to be prepared for losing though. Don’t look at me like that! I’m not the bad guy-”

“You’re sure doing a good job of it,” Pidge scowled, cutting Allura off. 

“I am not the bad guy. We need a contingency plan; we need to be sure someone can pilot the Red li-” 

Hell, broke loose. Again. Everyone was yelling how they couldn’t replace Lance and that they hadn’t even fought Haggar yet. Keith was being physically restrained by Shiro, but the older man was losing his cool as well and it was only a matter of time before someone snapped. 

“Did you even care about him!?” Pidge was being harsh, they knew that. But this deliberate and cold side of Allura shook them to their core. 

“We’re all just pawns to you, aren’t we?!” Keith snarled, his wrists turning red from how hard Shiro was gripping them. 

“Not at all, I have come to care about all of you very deeply. I spoke to Lance about this before, what I should do if he didn’t make it. A long time ago actually. Back when he first switched to Red. He _told_ me he wanted to be sure that Voltron could continue if we lost him. So, don’t you dare accuse me of not caring, I only say what I’ve said _because_ I care. We may need to replace him, it’s just the tru-” 

“Over my dead body.”

“Pidge, don’t say that!” 

“I mean it, we’re nothing without Lance! If he dies, I quit. Find someone else to pilot Green. I refuse to fight in a war that killed him. He never hurt anyone! He was the first person who understood me. If he dies, I’m out. I’ll go find my brother and father alone.”

“Pidge, you’re weighing the life of one person to the whole universe we need to save it from being destroyed!” Allura yelled. 

“FUCK THE UNIVERSE!” Pidge screamed. They looked insane, turning to look each one of them in the eye, holding their attention. 

Shiro understood what Allura was saying, knew that Lance probably said all that to her. He knew that Allura had to think about the galaxy, not just about Lance. Which was difficult because she wasn’t even allowed a proper mourning period before she had to go right into fighting for the universe. Shiro _felt_ for Allura, his heart broke for her. But looking at the others and seeing the anguish in their eyes broke him too. 

They were divided on this, and they couldn’t be divided if they were going to save Lance. 

Pidge looked two seconds away from having a literal heart attack and they repeated:

“Fuck. The. Universe.” 

Keith looked up at Shiro and started to pull himself from his grip, his face conveying that he wasn’t going to lunge at Allura. Keith stepped towards Pidge and the two made painful eye contact before they moved fast towards each other. Keith found himself with his arms full of a sobbing Pidge. 

It was gut-wrenching to see them like that. They never broke down in this way. It reminded them all that even though they were 18, they were still the youngest and had started this journey when they were only 15. 

They went into a war at 15. All of them were too young. They had already sacrificed so much, and for Pidge this was their limit. 

Shiro followed and hugged both Keith and Pidge close to him. Then Hunk was holding Pidge from behind and Coran and Allura were pulled into their messy embrace. 

The five of them crumbled to the floor, holding each other while they cried in the grief. 

Lance floated quietly in his pod. 

* * *

It had been an hour, they were close to Lotor’s base. 

But no one had left the medical bay. 

Keith and Shiro were wrapped up in each other, staring at Lance’s empty face, closed eyes, and dried blood as they waited in trepidation. 

Pidge was stewing but exhausted. 

Hunk was crying. 

Coran was checking the pod, his whole frame wilted. 

And Allura was wary of the others but felt sadness at the idea of losing Lance. 

Shiro finally spoke into the silence. 

“I know we’re all worried. We’re scared. We’re exhausted. But Lance is still in that pod,” Shiro pointed at Lance, “fighting for his life. He’s not gone yet. We need to give this everything we’ve got. Because we know he’d do the same for us.”

Hunk nodded and then his face pinched and he looked at Shiro and Keith.

“What did he say, before he-” Hunk asked, curiously. 

“Not much,” Keith lied. 

“Hey, don’t do that! It might be important to know, what did he say?” Pidge glared at Keith and Shiro. 

Keith and Shiro looked at each other for a moment before sighing. 

“He confessed that he loved us,” Shiro said quietly. 

Keith sobbed, “He told us he loved us and then he _DIED_. He might be gone forever, and he won’t ever know… know that we love him too. Shiro,” Keith whined painfully, turning to press his face into Shiro’s body, feeling the older man’s arms come up around him. 

“Shhh… we’ll tell him. If- _when_ he wakes up, we’ll tell him. I promise, we’ll spend the rest of our lives telling him,” Shiro said, tears falling down his own face to join his boyfriend’s. 

At the confessions the room quieted briefly. 

Coran didn’t look surprised, neither did Allura. 

Hunk frowned but he had known for a long time, Lance never said anything, but Hunk had been best friends with him for years and the boy wasn’t exactly subtle. 

“Oh fuck!”

“What Pidge??”

Pidge ignored him and pulled up their tablet, already typing away madly. 

“It’s a geas.”

“Bless you,” Hunk said, wiping at his tired eyes. 

“No! It’s a GEAS! It’s a curse, it’s Irish mythology, but maybe they really got it from space,” Pidge said, thoughtful and curious. 

“Not the time, Pidge, what is a geas specifically?” Allura asked, confused. 

“A curse. A specific curse, in this case, if I had to guess, if something taboo is spoken it causes the cursed to die. Taboo to the curse wielder obviously. Haggar clearly didn’t want Lance to say something and when he did, he died. Wait, all the times Lance fainted or got sicker, what was happening??” Pidge asked the group. 

“Fuck,” Shiro said. 

“What?!” Hunk asked, finally getting frustrated. 

“The first time Lance and I were training. He said he needed to tell me something about me and Keith and then he had that first attack,” Shiro said, then looked at Keith.

Keith’s eyes looked wide and terrified before speaking, “The same thing with me, Lance said he needed to tell me something about me and Shiro and then it all went to hell.”

“And then the last time, the time that actually killed him, he finally said what he had been trying to say all along. He told us he loved us, both of us,” Shiro said quietly. 

“Jesus Christ you guys. I told him… when I got to see him earlier to tell you both the truth. I knew he liked you guys, so I said before it was too late, he should say something to you both about it. Ohmygod. I killed Lance; this is all my fault!” Pidge started to cry and grabbed at their hair, guilt bubbling up from their stomach to their throat before they bent over and started to vomit onto the floor. 

Hunk and Shiro were at their side, gripping Pidge’s arms and running hands up and down their back trying to soothe them. 

“It’s not your fault, Lance had been trying to say it for a while. He probably would have said it anyways. This isn’t your fault. It’s no one’s fault except for Haggar’s. _SHE_ did this. Not you, not me or Keith. None of us are at fault.” 

Pidge whimpered and wiped their mouth with the back of their hand. 

“Ugh, gross,” They said and Hunk chuckled. 

“No worries, Pidge.” Coran called a bot and it was already cleaning the puke from the floor. 

“We can’t let this get to us anymore. We’re all feeling strong emotions from this. We keep taking it out on each other. But you know who we really need to take it out on? Haggar. And we will. That needs to be our sole focus, can everyone in this room do that?” Shiro asked, looking around at the team. 

Resolve glared back at him from the room, so strong he could feel it through their bonds and their lions. Everyone felt that heat, that connection that was unbreakable. 

“Good,” Shiro said before hearing a beeping on his tablet before looking down at it. 

He looked at the people in the room and his eyes narrowed, a promise of what was to come before he spoke. 

“We’re here. Suit up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mars: Hey I have something unrelated to Voltron to tell you.
> 
> Me (HEARS VOLTRON STARTS HYPERVENTILATING): wHaT AboUT VOLTRON?!
> 
> Mars (done with me): I said UNRELATED TO VOLTRON!
> 
> Me: oh okay... damn.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The summary is me being frustrated from writing battle scenes, because I feel like I'm terrible at it. But oh well!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this was MY fault. I took forever to write this chapter. I was so worried and blocked on it. I'll never go more than 2 weeks. But I apologize cause I think this was the longest it took me thus far. 
> 
> Anyways!
> 
> Oh and Mars now wishes to go by "Judgmental Ghost" for "reasons" lmfao XD we are so weird!
> 
> TW: blood  
> TW: violence
> 
> \---  
> \---

“Canaan ain't far for the souls who 

Barter their pain for sweet relief.”

* * *

Getting to the base was easy. 

No, it really was. 

Infiltration was also a piece of cake as far as everyone was concerned. 

The mood, however, was darker. 

This mission had more riding on it than any they had tried to accomplish to date. So naturally everyone was on edge. 

Keith’s fists clenched when they entered the building at the thought of coming back empty handed and letting Lance die. 

‘No, he won’t die. We’ll save him.’

Splitting up was the last thing that any of them had wanted to do. But the base was too large. When they reached the center of the base and the paths were divided, they made their decision. Shiro, Pidge, and Allura went left and Keith and Hunk went right. 

Still, it seemed almost too easy. Like they were being drawn into a trap. Keith didn’t have time to think about that though, he just kept running, Hunk behind him, as his eyes took in the purple and black walls glowing blurrily as they moved. 

“Shiro… anything on your side yet?” Keith asked as he rounded a corner to a hallway that was much wider than the previous one. 

“Negative. It’s too quiet, Keith, you and Hunk be careful.”

“Roger,” Keith said before deactivating his comms. 

“Do you think this is wrong? I mean it feels like last time, and that’s how Lance got…” Hunk trailed off. He was angry but the underlying worry was still there just beneath the surface of the aggression Hunk felt.

“Hunk-” Keith started before he felt a wave of heat emanating off the wall to his right, he knew what was coming. 

“GET DOWN!” Keith screamed, rushing towards Hunk before everything erupted in a fiery explosion around them. 

Keith would definitely say that getting to the base was easy.

But then it all went to hell.

* * *

Shiro, Pidge, and Allura found themselves in a large room with high ceilings. The room was shaped like a triangle. Lining the room was a row of tubes filled with a silvery, emerald spark. It looked like lightning, ricocheting off the glass, trapped. 

It was pure quintessence. 

Before they had time to really take in more of the room, the air seemed to ripple and Haggar materialized before the paladins. 

“If you’re here it’s for one of two reasons: one, he’s dead and you seek revenge or two, he’s almost dead and you want to save him. Neither will happen.”

“You don’t know anything, witch!” Allura yelled, readying her bayard menacingly. 

Pidge was vibrating with rage, being faced with the cause of Lance’s agony, and Shiro didn’t blame them. 

He was furious. Not just at what had happened to Lance but being this close to Haggar again. 

The last time he was near her he lost his arm. 

And now here she was mocking them over the potential death of their friend, of… whatever Lance was going to become to Keith and Shiro. 

Shiro was fed up and his arm glowed purple as he screamed, running full speed at Haggar. 

Haggar smiled, wicked and cruel and raised her own hand, energy already igniting from her fingertips. 

He _would_ save Lance. He would keep his family together and safe and Haggar was the only thing standing between that. 

It was _over for her_. 

* * *

Keith was dizzy, and all he could hear was a loud ringing in his ears, everything else was muffled. His ears felt crushed, a brutal pressure filling his head as he tried to pull himself up from his crumpled position by the wall. His eyes felt glued shut and he worked to open them. He tried to shake his head, droplets of blood flying from his forehead. He realized then that his helmet had been shattered and flung from his head.

“F-fuck,” Keith muttered as he started to look around the destruction. The whole south wall had blown out caving in the hallway to stop them from moving forward, trapped from going any further. 

‘Wait… them…’

“HUNK!” Keith screamed, starting to turn and try to pull himself up as he saw the mass that was Hunk laying on his side, eyes closed. 

Keith stumbled over to Hunk, his ears still fuzzy and head splitting with a horrible headache. After looking him over he realized that _his_ helmet had stayed intact. Thankful for small miracles, Keith started to shake Hunk’s shoulder. He didn’t look too badly injured, maybe just knocked out. 

“Shit, come on Hunk!” Keith said, checking over the younger boy. 

“Keith-wha?” Hunk slurred before groggily opening his eyes. He brought his hand up to his helmet as if trying to touch his head. 

“Keith?” 

“Hey, man, are you okay?? Does anything hurt?”

“Ugh, does _everything_ count? Cause like EVERYTHING sucks right now,” Hunk said, groaning but moved to try and stand up. 

“Heh, but, like, nothing broken right?” 

“Nah, the suit took most of the damage, you were closer to the blast. Are _you_ okay?” Hunk asked, now worriedly looking at Keith from where he was leaning on the wall heavily. 

“Yeah, my ears are a little fucked up and I’m pretty sure I cracked a rib and my head got messed up. But I’ll be fine, we need to keep going,” Keith said, pushing off from the wall and gritting his teeth before turning to the wreckage in front of them. 

“KEITH, COME IN! WE FOUND HAGGAR, WE NEED BACK UP-SHIT! WE’RE JUST PAST THAT HALL WHERE WE SPLIT!”

“We’re on our way!” Keith spoke into his comms before disconnecting. 

Keith turned to Hunk. Keith knew something wasn’t right. Why would there be basically a booby trap way over here if Haggar was somewhere else? Keith didn’t know but he was going to find out. 

“You go, I’m gonna catch up.”

“Keith, what?! No! We shouldn’t split up! Splitting up is _always_ a bad idea. Literally always. Every time we split up someone nearly gets killed or something!” Hunk said, babbling and close to panic. 

Keith walked forward and put his hands on Hunk’s shoulders. 

“Something isn’t right. I need to check it out, and you need to help Shiro. For Lance. He needs you. I promise I’ll be right behind you.” 

Hunk frowned but reached up to pat Keith on the shoulder. 

“Don’t be reckless, Kogane, Lance needs you too.” 

And then Hunk was gone, backtracking out of the hall to head towards the other paladins. 

Keith squared his shoulders and started to push past the wreckage, ignoring his own pain to find out just what exactly the bomb was protecting. 

He hoped he was making the right decision. 

* * *

Allura was sweating with exertion as she slid behind Haggar’s back bringing her whip down to lash at the witch. Shiro was in front of her facing her head on, as Pidge used their hook from the right. 

Haggar vanished causing the whip to slash into Shiro’s human arm and Pidge’s bayard to slide between the open space where Haggar once stood. 

“Fuck, she keeps fucking disappearing!” Pidge spat, turning quickly backing up to Allura and Shiro creating a circle to defend each other’s backs. 

“You are angry… I am too quick… too powerful for you. Give up paladins, it is too late. You will not be able to save your friend, and coming here? Well, now you will not be able to save yourselves.” Her cruel voice floated through the air, coming from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. It haunted Shiro, echoing off of the walls and tubes of quintessence sitting quietly in the room. 

Shiro glared and Allura growled out, head turning left and right as if trying to predict where Haggar would appear next. 

“Let’s start with the young one.” An eerie voice rang out and in the blink of an eye Haggar reappeared, dark curling fingers reaching out to grip the front of Pidge’s armor. There was a brilliant flash of purple light and Pidge started screaming in agony before going limp. Haggar smirked beneath her hood and flung the small paladin towards the front of the room. It happened so fast, Pidge was going to smash into doors. 

And they would have. 

If Hunk hadn’t come running through the doors, Pidge’s body colliding with his as they both tumbled to the floor. 

Hunk grunted and cradled Pidge in his arms, gently shaking them to try and wake them up. 

They weren’t moving. 

Pidge wasn’t _moving._

“PIDGE!” Shiro screamed, turning quickly. He felt it, felt the power Haggar radiated and slashed through the air right as she materialized again. She gasped out in pain as Shiro’s arm sliced through her shoulder and then she was gone again. 

How had he felt that? It was like his Galra arm could track her quintessence, her power. 

‘I can work with this,’ Shiro thought, grinning sharply. 

“Hunk! How’s Pidge?” Allura called, bringing her whip back and ready to strike when she saw Haggar again. 

“Uh… not good. Very not good, they're breathing but t-there’s blood. It’s coming from their nose and mouth. They won’t wake up!” Hunk said, trying to check for any more injuries. 

“Shit, it’s the quintessence. They were shocked with it. That stuff can be nasty,” Allura said, eyes swiveling around the room wildly. 

“Foolish princess, you do not understand the true purpose of quintessence. It is _life_. It powers everything around you. It is so much more than pain when administered. It can change your whole being on a molecular level. Your father didn’t understand either. Quintessence is _everything_.”

“You’re fucking insane! Tell us how to save Lance or reverse the curse yourself!” Shiro yelled out into the room, his voice bouncing off the walls sounding even louder than it was. 

“Now why would I do that?” She said, smirking. 

“Then I’ll kill you,” Shiro said, unashamedly. 

“That won’t break the curse, but by all means… go head if you think you can.” Haggar taunted Shiro. 

“My only regret is not being able to watch him die, see the light leave his eyes as he’s snuffed out for good.” Her words were cruel and sharp, searing into Shiro’s flesh like a red-hot knife. Shiro felt pure rage, he could feel the others in their bond as well. All furious for what the witch had done to their family. 

He roared and plunged forward _feeling_ her energy again and he stabbed through the empty air at his left, this time slicing into her abdomen just as she reappeared. She cursed and vanished again, leaving dark blood splattered on the floor. 

Allura pressed her back to Shiro’s, breathing hard. Pidge was still down and Hunk looked haggard. 

They needed to finish this… they needed Keith. 

“Keith, come in, where are you? We need you!” Shiro yelled into the comms before he heard high, vicious laughter filling the room, suffocating Shiro’s senses. 

* * *

Keith finally made it past the mess the explosion caused and found himself in a small alcove with a door. But this door was strange, it wasn’t like the other metal doors in the Galra base. It looked worn and older. He’d never seen material like it, almost like wood from Earth, since coming to space. He hesitated briefly before pushing the door open. 

The room wasn’t small by any means but wasn’t large, like the bridge of the castle ship.

The walls were lined with shelves upon shelves of weird objects. Things that Keith couldn’t possibly name. 

It was creepy. 

Jars filled with viscous fluid or what looked like pieces of red colored plants. Ancient books that looked seconds from crumbling away if someone touched them. The books were jarring as well because everything had been computerized from all his Galra intel. So, to see things like _books_ , was strange. 

There were stones lining the wall, all different colors and shapes,and bones. Literal fucking _bones_.

“What the hell is this place?” Keith whispered. 

“Haggar’s ritual room.” A response came from behind him as the door shut.One of the Lotor’s generals stood leaning against it. 

Acxa. 

Keith readied his bayard and scowled at her as she started to push off the door and approach him. 

“I’m here to help. If you want the cure to save your friend, I have it.”

Keith looked floored and his mouth fell open. He shook himself, eyeing her wearily. 

“Either you’re full of shit and this is a trap, or you want something in return. Which is it?”

“I want nothing in return. I just want to help.”

"Why should I trust you?” Keith asked, stepping back as she stepped off to the right going up to the shelves, flitting through the different jars. She seemed almost bored; it was unsettling. 

“Well, you don’t really have a choice.”

“Who are you?” Keith asked, confused. 

“General Acxa of the Galran empire. Right hand of Emperor Lotor.”

“No! I mean, who are you _really_? You wouldn’t be helping me if you were who you say you are.” 

Acxa turned and raised one of her eyebrows at him, before snatching up a small vial with brilliant silver liquid in it. 

“You’re intelligent, I’ll give you that. Not surprising for the Black paladin. But I’ve heard you have a temper and are astoundingly impatient. So, I’ll ask again, do you want the cure? Or you want to waste more time and let your paladin die?” She tilted the bottle slightly and the potion sloshed gently inside. 

Keith bristled at hearing her speak like she knew him. 

“What if whatever’s in that just kills him faster?” Keith asked, eyes tracing the path of the bottle in her hand. He felt stupid for letting his guard down, but he was transfixed. 

‘What if she’s telling the truth and your trust issues get him killed?’

“What’s the worst that it could do? He’s already dying,” Acxa stated, calmly. 

“Fuck,” Keith muttered before stowing his bayard and taking a risk. He stepped closer to her and extended his hand palm side up. 

She smirked and placed the glass vial in his hand and his fingers curled around it. He clutched it so hard his hand hurt and he looked up at her frowning. 

“I’m a Blade,” Acxa said, stepping back. 

Keith was floored. 

“Why didn’t you just _say_ that?! Why give me the run around when you could have just told me the truth and given me the cure?” Keith asked, exasperated and annoyed. 

“My mission is top secret. Only Kolivan knows what I am doing here. My position is precarious and if I succeed it could _end the war_. You are young but I hope you understand the vitalness of that,” She said, seriously. 

“If you care about ending this war why would you let a paladin of Voltron get cursed that way? You were there when it happened, and you did _nothing_! You’re supposed to be one of the good guys-” Keith was cut off when Acxa surged forward and slammed him against the opposing grouping of shelves. She had collided with him so hard the contents behind him rattled and he gasped, gripping the little bottle desperately, terrified he would drop it. She glared down at him, hand around his throat. 

“Just because I’m helping you and I’m a Blade doesn’t mean I’m a good person. You need to let go of this fantasy of 'good' and 'bad' there is no such thing.”

“Then why are you helping me if you’re not good?” Keith choked, as her grip on his neck tightened. 

“I’m not helping you; I’m helping him.” Keith’s eyes softened and he looked curious. The grip around his throat loosened and she stepped back slightly, giving him room to breathe. 

“But why?”

“I don’t really know why… something about him, I just don’t want him to die

Especially by this curse, it’s cruel. If you’re gonna kill someone, do it. Don’t play with them,” She said, moving towards the door to leave. 

“Wait!” Keith called out, gathering himself and rushing to the door near her. She didn’t turn, she just stood with her back to him.

“Thank you,” He said, soft and grateful. 

She turned her head back to look at him, a smirk on her face. 

“For what? I was never here.”

And then she was gone. 

“Keith come in, where are you? We need you!” Shiro’s voice filtered in through the comms. 

He raced towards Shiro’s location hoping he wasn’t too late.

* * *

Shiro was bleeding from his human arm and most definitely had broken ribs from hitting the wall. Her power was no joke and had sent him flying multiple times in a row. 

“Shiro! We can’t keep this up, we need a plan!” Allura called, looking back towards Hunk and Pidge. 

“Shit,” Shiro cursed. 

“Hunk, get Pidge back to your lions and _stay there_ ,” Shiro said and Hunk knew that tone, knew better than to try and argue.

Without looking back Hunk took Pidge and ran down the hall. 

“Hunk! Fuck, what happened to Pidge!?” Keith yelled as they met at a turn in the hall. 

“Haggar zapped them and knocked them out! Shiro and Allura are barely hanging on, man, they need you! She’s terrifying!” Hunk said breathlessly. Keith could tell he was getting anxious and two seconds away from a panic attack, so Keith just patted his arm and ran, pulling out his bayard. 

Keith paused turning back… “But, I got the cure. So, now we just have to handle Haggar.” Keith smirked. 

“Give her hell,” Hunk said seriously, before turning and sprinting away, Pidge in his arms. 

* * *

“Shiro!” Keith screamed as he came flying through the door just in time to see Shiro’s body slam into the floor and the older man groaning trying to get back to his feet. 

Allura was down holding her side tightly, blood seeping through her fingers onto the floor. 

Haggar appeared about 5 feet in front of Keith and he growled. He had stuck the little bottle into his suit to keep it safe. But now with her in front of him and the cure in his pocket, he had never wanted revenge so bad. 

He rushed forward raising his sword to swing at her head. But instead of connecting with the witch’s face is swiped through empty space. 

“Fuck!” Keith spat. 

“T-tell us about it,” Shiro moaned, finally getting to his feet, Allura right beside him. 

“Back to back, we need to make sure she can’t get an opening,” Allura said as they all pushed in closer again. 

Keith reached out, briefly squeezing Shiro’s wrist before letting go and focusing on the room before him. 

“I can feel her, something in my arm can focus on her energy. I’m close to nailing it. I just need to be quicker,” Shiro said frustrated.

“What you need is a distraction, a way to get her to lower her guard so you can slip in,” Keith said, already edging forward. 

“Keith!” Shiro yelled, but it was too late, he lurched forward to the other side of the room. 

“Come on bitch… come and get me,” Keith whispered, spinning around, trying to prepare for where she would pop up. 

Shiro’s eyes sharpened and focused on Keith. He was fucking terrified. Keith using himself as _bait_ wasn’t the plan. 

‘Fuck!’ Shiro thought angrily. 

“You think your little tricks will work on me? I’m over 10,000 years old! I have harnessed the power of quintessence! You will never be able to defeat me and you will never break my curse.” Haggar’s voice ripped through the air around them, making the hair on the back of their necks stand on end.

“He’s not gonna die! He’s too strong for that, you won’t get the best of him!” Keith yelled into the room. It was quiet again and Keith grit his teeth, he needed to bait her, draw her out to give Shiro time to finish it. 

“You know, if you’re so sure you’re gonna win… why don’t you tell us what it’s like to be Lotor’s lap dog? Must be demeaning, I mean Zarkon was more powerful and Lotor is half Altean and not even the whole empire supports him. The only real power you have is gone, he’s the one in control of you now!” Keith yelled, smirking. 

Shiro clenched his human hand into a fist so hard he could feel the bones grinding. 

He _knew_ what Keith was doing, but he still didn’t like it. Pissing off an ancient witch when they were all at their worst was an awful idea. 

Keith gasped as he felt himself lifted off the ground, quintessence pouring into his body, his mouth open in a silent scream. His body was enveloped in that white-green current tearing at his nerves. 

“Keith!” Shiro yelled as Haggar appeared, all taunts gone, terrifying and wicked as she flung him so hard into one of the glass tubes it exploded, shooting the pure energy throughout the room. The air charged and they all fell to their knees from the shockwave. 

Keith was in agony, lying face down on the ground, trying to get the strength to stand up. The energy had ripped through him, tearing his suit in numerous places. Blood spilled from the slices and cuts and his already injured head throbbed from the impact against the glass. 

“Y-you’re nothing… n-nothing but L-Lotor’s bitch,” Keith said, panting as he moved to his knees. 

A dark crackling ripped through the air and before Keith could get up Haggar materialized before him again. All he could see was the bottom of her robes before she raised a hand palm out and Keith rose, like a marionette on strings. He couldn’t move, he just hovered a few feet off the floor, towering over her as she nudged him backwards, closer to another tube of quintessence. 

She was going to kill him. One more encounter with that much quintessence would kill him, if he wasn’t already close to death. 

“Not so tough now, spewing blasphemy. You’re gonna wish you were never born, boy.” Her hood flew off and her hair spun wildly around her head, eyes blazing as she gathered all her energy into her hand. 

Keith choked, blood dripping down his chin as he smiled. 

“You smile at death? You find your end amusing?” She asked, laughing, her voice becoming deep and inhumane. 

“It’s not my end… it’s yours!” Keith screamed just as Shiro’s Galra arm slammed straight through Haggar’s back and burst from her chest. Blood spraying over Keith’s lower body before he fell to the floor, her power over him gone. He groaned pushing himself away from the choking witch. She tried to curse and spit but all that came out was onyx blood, bubbling crudely over her lips and down her chin. 

“That was for Lance,” Shiro whispered in her ear, gritting his teeth before ripping his arm out and watching her fall to her knees. 

He powered up the arm again vibrating dark purple. 

“And this is for the universe.” 

He sliced quickly through the air; the whoosh loud enough to cover the sound of his arm severing Haggar’s spinal cord. 

Her eyes wide and glassy, she fell to the floor, right at Keith’s feet. 

Dead. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILER IN CASE YOU CAME TO READ HERE FIRST!
> 
> Y'all are brutal, I wasn't even gonna kill Haggar but you guys were out for blood. So I took care of it ;)
> 
> Some funny stuff:
> 
> Me: she's a blade  
> JG: blades are for skating... ya dingus  
> Me: huh?!  
> JG: it's a vine  
> *send me vine*  
> *we both die laughing*


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Letters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will come next week (I have a huge paper due on Sunday so I need some time to really focus on that). Also, just want to be clear, if I ever take longer than a month to post without warning I'm dead my friends. I won't go that long I promise without real cause. :) Thank you to Judgmental Ghost again for beta-ing and making me laugh. Also, I'm adding lyrics from another song now (because this got way longer than it was supposed to and I have run out of lyrics lmfao). So the lyrics from this song comes from the song: All's Well That Ends. By Rainbow Kitten Surprise. ALSO, I clearly have a soft spot for Pidge and Lance being best friends. Plus, love the whole space family sibling thing. I am biased because I love Pidge and think they are awesome!
> 
> TW: Talk of suicide. 
> 
> \---

“I don't want to die alone, but I don't wanna die at all

Hang your head and cry if you like, but all is well that ends.”

* * *

Lance had been in the pod for 8 days. Eight fucking days of waiting to see if the “cure” that Acxa gave Keith would actually work. If he would wake up and they would have a second chance with him. A chance to show how much they love him and how they wanted to give him the universe. 

It sounds so mushy when it’s said like that. 

But mushy or not, it’s true. 

Keith’s greatest fear is that they were too late. That Lance is really already gone and dead, just floating in that pod, his heart frozen. Keeping him alive as nothing but a body. 

His soul already eons away. 

Maybe they would all get to start over one day. Maybe if Lance died, they would see him in the next life, and then they would do it _right_. 

It had taken about 5 days for Hunk to suggest they read Lance’s letters. At first everyone was against it, but Lance would have wanted them to read it and at this point, with each passing day, Coran’s face grew grimmer. 

And with it, his hope that Lance would wake up at all. 

So, they bit the bullet. They all went to open their letters. Lance wasn’t the type to get angry unnecessarily and since it was life and death, they all believed he would forgive them. 

On top of the stack of 5 letters was one small one, addressed to the team as a whole. 

_Allura, Coran, Shiro, Keith, Pidge, and Hunk,_

_If you’re reading these letters, well, I’m not here anymore. Which is okay, I don’t want you guys to get so caught up in losing me. There is a war to be fought! A new battle every day. I want you all to focus on the universe. And then when you win (which you will!) I want you to go watch the sunrise on the beach in Varadero. Just watch the water roll in and be together. I’ll be right there with you, watching the golds and yellow reflecting a perfect reddish pink (magenta?) on the blue water. The ocean is really a part of who I feel I am (even though I piloted Red). So, I want you to all be with each other and think of me. I don’t talk about religion like ever, but I know I’ll see you all again, I don’t know how or why I feel that so strongly. But it’s like there is a string connecting me to all of you. I have to believe that, because otherwise what is all this worth? Anyways. I’m not always the best with words but I hope the letters bring you guys peace? I think that’s the right word for that. I just want you all to be happy. I love you guys, my imperfect little space family,_

_Lance out._

Not for the first time that day, the Paladins wonder if it really is wise to read the letters when everyone is already so fragile with the unknown of Lance’s recovery. Because if this was just the team letter… then how hard is it going to be to read the others?

Shiro’s hands are shaking as he puts the letter on the table in the common room. 

Allura walked forward and picked up the individual letters and handed them to the people in the room. When she got to Keith and Shiro’s letter she paused and looked into their eyes. Sadness, heartbreak, and pity all filtered through her face like a tidal wave as she handed them their joint letter. 

They were the only ones that shared a letter, and it made all their hearts ache to know the reason why. 

Pidge left to go to their work room, the letter clutched tightly to their chest. Hunk went to his room, his eyes lowered. Allura left the common room and headed to the bridge. Coran descended to the lower levels of the castle ship. Shiro and Keith looked down at the letter and linked their fingers together as they moved to the med bay to sit back in the little nest they had all created when they got back from their battle with Haggar. 

Shiro wasn’t usually a crass man, but he was glad the bitch was dead. It was probably the only life he’d taken that he didn’t regret. 

Still a small niggling tugged at the deepest corner of his mind. It felt easy. Too easy and he desperately hoped she was gone for good. 

When they entered the medical unit Shiro sat down at the back of the pile of blankets, pressing his back to the wall as he pulled Keith down to settle between his legs. The smaller boy’s back was pressed to Shiro’s warm chest and straight ahead they could see Lance, still quietly existing in the healing pod. 

“We don’t have to do this, Keith. We can always wait to see what happens first.”

“I know, Takashi, I want to read it. I want to know what Lance needed to say.”

“Okay, hon,” Shiro pressed a kiss to the top of Keith’s head as they opened their letter. 

* * *

Allura looked out into the vast darkness of space. 

She stood in front of the huge glass that separated the bridge from the rest of the universe. 

She was stalling, she knew she was stalling. 

Biting her lip, she looked down at the letter in her hands and unfolded the paper. 

_Dear Allura,_

_There is so much more that I wanted to do with you. I wanted to bring you back to Earth to meet my family. That’s not something that can really happen now though, regardless of life and death. But I wanted you to meet them because you’re like my big sister, one of my best friends. (Don’t tell Veronica that I said you were like my big sister. She’d totally smack me in the back of the head for that, she’s got a temper). I wanted to show you a whole FIELD of Kalternecks and what the malls on Earth are like! I wanted to show you that there are so many different types of humans. Not all of us are the same, just like not all Alteans are the same. But I think you would enjoy learning more about all the different cultures on my home planet. And I know you lost yours, so Earth can be your home too. You can go with the team and they will welcome you there. I want you to be able to start over. To find a place that is just yours where you can feel safe. You deserve to be happy; you deserve peace after everything you’ve lost and gone through. I feel like you’ve taught me a lot about myself. You taught me to respect myself and if I’m ever uncomfortable on a mission I don’t need to be such a people pleaser. That I am allowed to speak up and ask for help or even space. I never set boundaries for myself, but you helped me to learn that it’s okay to have them and I am so grateful to you. But I need to tell you this, and it’s really important so listen up! You are not responsible for the rebuilding of your entire species. That is too much of a burden to have on your shoulders. Your father wouldn’t be disappointed if you just let yourself rest and live your life the way you want to! If you want to rebuild, if that’s what you truly want, then do it. But if it’s not then don’t. You don’t owe anyone ANYTHING. Say it with me Allura. You don’t owe anyone ANYTHING! You only owe it to yourself to be happy. Please if you remember anything I’ve said, remember that. I love you and I’ll never forget you,_

_Loverboy Lance_

Allura was in shock. How had Lance known that she had felt so much pressure to restore Altea? This was something she only ever really talked to Coran about and even when it was in front of most of the others no one commented on it. She didn’t think anyone had been listening. But Lance was. 

Lance was always listening. 

The thought made Allura laugh wetly as she wiped a tear from her face. 

“Oh Lance…”

* * *

Coran is deep within the guts of the ship when he opens his letter. 

Briefly the memory of him comforting Lance during his own homesickness flashes before his mind and makes his eyes water. 

_Coran The Man!_

_I probably should be more serious with this but like, that’s what I’ve always called you. You’ve been like a father figure to me up here in space. Remember that time I broke my wrist and the pods were down and you helped wrap it for me? You were so careful, and you distracted me by telling me stories of your family back when you lived on Altea. It really helped, I was embarrassed that it hurt that bad and didn’t want anyone to know. But you made it better. You’ve always been so compassionate and it’s a good match for your humor. I always love your jokes, even if I don’t always understand them. When the war is over you and Allura need to go to Earth and drink milkshakes together (I promise you don’t actually have to watch the milking this time XD)! I also think you would really enjoy the museums on Earth. You could learn everything you wanted to, and the sky is literally the limit (see what I did there? Sky? Space? Limit? I kill myself LMFAO). I think I appreciate that you brought out a new curiosity in me. I mean I had always been very curious, but it became more in a cultural way? Like I started wanting to soak everything up like a sponge. You helped me realize I don’t know everything and there’s always something to be learned from others and new experiences. Thank you for that Coran, it means a lot to me. Anyways, I actually feel really emotional writing this and I don’t want to start crying so I’m gonna end it here. Thanks for being a father to me, really it meant a lot to me Coran._

_I love you pops,_

_Lance_

Coran remembered the last time someone called him “father” and felt sorrow well in his chest. It was when he lost his son and wife back on Altea. After being awoken 10,000 years later he felt like he would never feel anything like he did with his family before. 

But he had family now. 

He had a boy who called him his pops.

Coran felt happy, because through all the suffering he had endured he had found a home here amongst a new group of paladins. 

He just hoped his son would wake up soon, they would be lost without him. 

* * *

Hunk was in his room, sitting on his bed. His letter clutched in his hands as he thought about not reading it. 

He had warred with himself with this. 

A part of him felt like it was an invasion of Lance’s privacy. But another part, didn’t want to wait until his best friend died before reading it. Lance had also recently been through so much when it came to his family that Hunk was still worried. 

Hunk sighed and took the plunge, unfolding the letter. 

_Hunkalicious!_

_Dude, it’s like not hard to tell you how much you mean to me. We’ve been best friends for YEARS now. We know pretty much everything about each other. You know all of my dirty little secrets (weeeeeelll most of them lol ;D). You know how much I miss my family (even if they don’t miss me), you know all the trouble I caused at the Garrison, you know that I’m not sorry for any of it, and you know what I wanted for my future. Don’t focus on that though man. I don’t want you to get wrapped up in missing me and being sad and shit and not live your life. You make the room brighter just by being YOU. That’s an incredible talent that not many people have. I am so fucking proud to have you as a best friend Hunk. I know we both never expected to be caught up in an intergalactic war, but here we are. You have to keep going. I know you get scared at times and you feel like that makes you weak. But it doesn’t. It’s the opposite man, it makes you strong. Because you keep fighting even when you’re terrified and that is powerful dude. Don’t forget that. And I know you have a lot of dreams and I want them all to come true. I believe you can do whatever you want Hunk. You underestimate yourself (me too though, I always feel like the seventh wheel, like it was a fluke that Blue chose me idk), but don’t underestimate yourself this time. You guys will win the war and you’ll go home. And then you can do whatever you want. I’m sure the universe will need rebuilding and you’re so damn smart you could always come back. Or stay on Earth. That’s the beauty of it really, you can do whatever you want. I feel like such a mush talking about this. But buddy I just want you to be happy. You changed me for the better in ways you’ll never be able to comprehend. You helped me to be a better person, and at my lowest you always told me that I was a true paladin. That I was chosen, and when the voice in my head always told me I was worthless you spent every day proving it wrong. I wish I had more time, just so I could repay you for all that kindness. I need a favor though. My family isn’t with me right now. They don’t accept me and it fucking hurts. But just because they don’t love me, doesn’t mean I don’t love them. I have a letter in my room, I hid it under my bed. It’s for my family. Just bring it to them when you get back to Earth? Even if they don’t want it, leave it somewhere with them. Maybe one day they’ll look at it and love me again. Anyways, enough with being depressing and shit. Take care of everyone. And never lose your spark, it’s what makes you, YOU._

_Love,_

_Your BFF Lance_

Hunk sobbed.

He wondered how Lance could feel so terribly about himself. Hunk knew about his family shit, but like he had a feeling this self-deprecating talk had started long before that. Even back during their Garrison days. It broke Hunk’s heart, because Lance was wrong. 

He was so wrong. 

Lance was the one that lit up any room he walked into. 

Lance was the one that held people together. Sure, they were a team, but they weren’t delusional, and they all knew how well Lance took care of them. 

And how he was hurt, feeling alone, potentially dead because of this war.

It made Hunk angry just to think about it. 

But Lance had other problems, this depression and self-loathing could kill him just as easily as Haggar’s curse. 

Even if Lance woke up… they weren’t out of the water yet. Lance still had a long way to go

* * *

Pidge slunk into their workshop with a scowl. 

They were so _tired_ and the idea of reading a fucking _goodbye_ letter from Lance made them mad. 

They wondered how it had come to this. How had they all come so far, just to lose a member of their family. 

Because they were family, Pidge knew that.

Pidge was just _like_ that. 

They used sarcasm as a wall to keep everyone out. 

But somehow, Lance had slipped through. 

All of them had actually. 

But Lance was the catalyst and it all went downhill from there. Caring about people sucked and was dangerous. Pidge had learned that the hard way with their brother and father. It was agony every day without them. But Pidge’s little space family helped. 

Made the ache a little less painful. 

Pidge tossed the letter down onto a computer where double modulated code glared blaringly from the screen. They sat down in their chair, completely exhausted. 

Pidge’s hands came up to their face and ran down the length of it, groaning. 

They knew there was no point in delaying the inevitable so leaning down over the desk they pulled the letter closer and began to read. 

_Pidgeon,_

_You know, I started this letter 4 times before I actually was able to write it. I was at a loss for words to describe just how much you mean to me (idk HOW I’m gonna get through my letter to Keith and Shiro fuck) (Also, I can tell you have a smug little smirk on your face right now. Yeah yeah you KNEW I LIKED them, okay?? You’re always right and amazing and wonderful blah blah blah). ANYWAYS. I want to stay focused here because I have a lot to say to you. At the Garrison I knew something was up with you. Like about your family going missing. You’re not as subtle as you think (same tho). I just felt like you were hiding something and then we get to space, and it all came out that you were looking for your dad and Matt. But back at the Garrison you helped me start to accept myself. You and Hunk helped me deal with Iverson and all his bullshit. And Griffin and the others that thought I didn’t belong there. We were like misfits, didn’t really fit in. But you were brilliant and so was Hunk. You guys got in on intellect alone. I got in because I was Cuban, and I quote “the Garrison needs to widen its ethnic diversity” (Iverson’s a dick, he always told me that when I was at my lowest). I mean I got promoted to fighter pilot just because Keith left and the first thing that asshole said to me was that I was just a statistic to make the Garrison look good. I fucking cried that night; don’t you dare tell anyone or I’ll haunt you for the rest of your life! I just didn’t really fit anywhere, except with you guys. You and Hunk were my family and then a giant robotic lion let me inside her and now we live on a floating castle ship in space fighting a war against purple cats. (Sounds like a terrible b-rated movie if you ask me). What even is our life? Or well your life now. The most important things I need to say to you are that you WILL find Matt and your dad. I PROMISE you will, I know you’ll pull up statistics and tell me the likelihood of finding them and all that technical mathematical jargon but like listen. LISTEN. Sometimes, you have to take a leap and just believe. There is no definitive way to explain to you HOW I know that it will all be okay, and that you’ll find them. I just know. Call it matters of the heart. It’s that same gut-feeling you get on a mission where you tell us it’s a bad idea. Or when you meet someone on a planet and poke me in the ribs, your “subtle” way of telling me you don’t trust them. It’s instinct. And I hope you trust me enough to believe me when I say I know. I just fucking know Pidgey. After years of being up here, I feel disconnected from things. I don’t really want to flirt and go to parties anymore. It’s strange. Some people call it growing up or whatever but it’s more than that. Something is missing from my life that I desperately need. And I don’t even know what that is. But since the situation with my mama I’ve had all the terrible feelings from the Garrison rushing back. Not like they had to go far; they are always in my head beneath the surface but usually I can control it better. But since that video call-I’ve been fucked up Pidge. Like, I genuinely thought I was going to open that airlock. We’re in a war, but that moment? that moment was the closest I’ve come to death. In all ways. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. It’s scary that our brains can break us like that. I almost just-pushed that button. If Keith hadn’t come along… But now if you’re reading this, the irony is that Haggar’s curse killed me. It’s probably my karma for being so negative when so many other people have it worse than me. But I’m okay and you’re going to be too. Just know that you mean the world to me, my favorite space sibling (don’t tell Hunk). We click, and when you came out to me as being non-binary/ace and I told you I was bisexual. Well, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. We accepted each other, you still loved me even when I couldn’t love myself. That means more to me than I’ll ever be able to put into some stupid letter. But I can tell you that I love how fiercely you protect your friends, how wicked intelligent you are, that you’re an amazing paladin, and that you drive me up a wall sometimes! Also, you’re the BEST at sarcasm and wit, like even I can’t keep up sometimes! You’ll always be my little gremlin, mischief maker… But idk like we joke and shit, but I really care about you. I hope when you find Matt and your dad you tell them about Voltron, everything at the Garrison, and me. I want people to remember me, shit I need to wrap this up because I’ve been so close to crying this whole time and the paper is going to get wet and fuck. Anyways, the last thing I want to say to you is that I want you to believe in yourself and who you are. No matter what sweetheart, no one can take that away from you. Don’t you ever forget that. You are extraordinary and I’ll always love you._

_Love,_

_Lance_

Pidge was heaving with desperate sobs, the paper wet with their own tears. 

“You fucking asshole.”

Pidge was so heartbroken and angry and _lost_. Lance was the closest thing they had to their brother. The closest family. They had Hunk and everyone else but like, Lance was who they confided in when they were upset or sad or had a bad day. Lance was the one who made sure they ate, drank water, and got sleep when they were neck deep in code and their eyes ached. Lance was the one to always watch out for where Pidge was in the middle of a fight. 

He was Pidge’s best friend. 

And the idea that he wrote this letter to say goodbye made them feel physically ill. 

“Goddamn it, Lance, you better wake up. You better w-wake uh-up.” 

Pidge stayed in their workroom for hours after reading the letter, crying and waiting and hoping that Lance would come back to them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for reading! <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith & Shiro's letter. <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This made me cry, I swear guys no more sadness (maybe some angst) but I'm all out of despair for this story. Like I've got nothing left. Don't worry though, got a lot of upcoming angst stories coming ;) 
> 
> MysticRoseangel you called me out, you got me. I promised awhile ago no more tragedy in this thing and here I am back on my bullshit. I'm sorry! <3
> 
> Lyrics by the artist S and the song is Remember Love.
> 
> Thank you to JG for beta-ing. Can you tell I love Pidge? I have a soft spot cause they are just like my beta, who is also my best friend!
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> ***  
> ***

"So this would be the perfect time to throw it all away  
I would give you everything and watch you walk away  
And it's you that I’ll remember when I think of love and all these things  
How easily it goes away..."

* * *

Keith & Shiro,

If you’re holding this letter, I died. I don’t know what kind of mindset you both will be in when you read this, and I don’t know if I died when we were on bad terms. But I feel like being honest is the best way for me to go out. I’m sure you’re wondering why you get one letter and it’s because I care deeply for both of you. It’s more intimate with you both, and yeah, we could even go as far as to call it love. But I also don’t want to put that kind of pressure on you in the aftermath of my death. I wouldn’t want that weight on your shoulders, you both have already been through so much. So, this isn’t about making you feel guilty or anything. I’m glad you both found each other and are happy, that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you two. This is so I can go with a clear conscience. Because this is a secret that I _don’t_ want to take to my grave.

Where to start… I feel like it’s weird of me to say that I love you, Shiro, because when I was younger you were my hero. I literally _worshipped_ you, thank god I'm dead because Pidge and Hunk would never let me hear the end of it that I admitted that to you. But yeah, definitely was obsessed. You’re the whole reason I applied for the Garrison and when I didn’t get in the first time, you were the reason I applied again. It didn’t really matter that I was a cargo pilot or that there were better cadets… I was just so proud to be following in your footsteps. To have taken the first leap forward. To move closer to you. I didn’t see it as “love” until we got to space and then it was you and Keith who made me realize that this was _absolutely_ love. It’s too strong not to be. But anyways, you went missing on the Kerberos mission and I felt sick for months, scared you were dead. Everyone said there was no way you guys were alive and I basically mourned you. Hunk and Pidge had to help me get out of bed every day and not fall behind in my classes. But up until we found you, the hurt never really stopped. And then I found you and Blue and we were in space. Everything happened so fast, it was like whiplash, I didn’t have time to really unpack my feelings. Plus, you had been through so much, I know you have nightmares, and it’s fucking upsetting because I don’t want you to be in pain. It’s like a knife to my gut. But then you found Keith… through all the missions and war and hell, you and Keith fell in love. And if that’s not the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard of then I don’t know what is. And then it sunk in that like, you both had each other. You would never need me. So, I kept it in, I didn’t say anything to anyone. (I’m almost POSITIVE Hunk and Pidge know though, because I literally can’t hide anything from them.) But it’s okay that I was sad because you both were happy. Shiro, you were sleeping better, and Keith was laughing, honest to _god_ laughing. Like it was incredible. Both of you opened up so much and who am I to ever begrudge a friend their peace of mind and happiness? I would never. It’s just not who I am.

But with you, Shiro, everything sort of fell together in my heart slowly. Like a burn over time. I would think about you all the time and when we went to different planets, I would see something and think, “Hmmm… Shiro would really like this!” I never got you anything because I thought that would be super awkward and like I’m already awkward enough, so fuck that. But I would see things and think of you. I would train and think of all the tips you’d given me and when I was on a mission and feeling lost, I would literally think, “What would Shiro do?” Damn this all sounds so cliché, but like the best part about this is I don’t have to feel embarrassed because it’s not like I’ll have to face you after you read it. I don’t know if that makes me a coward. It probably does, but another part of me just feels so guilty to try and come into your relationship to stir it up, confess, and all of that shit only to get rejected. But you guys are nice, you would let me down gently I’m sure (Keith is usually a loose cannon so not 100% sure what his reaction would be). I just didn’t see the point in wrecking something so beautiful. I swear to god if I keep crying during this, I’m gonna ruin the paper, and you don’t know how hard it was to find paper at the space mall.

Shiro, you’ve changed me for the better. I know you feel a lot of guilt and you agonize about being in the arena. But don’t. I don’t know a single person, alien or human, that’s as selfless and caring and brave as you are. You’re amazing, and everything you’ve gone through? It’s just gonna keep propelling you forward, it’s gonna continue to make you stronger. I don’t know if you’ll believe me, but I look up to you because your moral compass is always _steady_. You’re not just a talented man, but a _good man._ I wouldn’t change you for all the money in the universe, and I know the rest of the team feels that way too. You’re not bad or evil or any of that shit they tried to make you feel. You’re pure and I love you for it. I’ll always love you, no matter what you do with the rest of your life. No matter where you go, no matter how your story ends, my love for you will never change. I know you’re not in love with me, but I know you do care about me, so I hope you can feel me, wherever I might end up. I hope you always feel me with you. I’d like to think you would. I’m fucking crying, this is so stupid. I hope I got to see your face, your beautiful eyes before I died. Besides your warm heart, they are my favorite part of you. I love you Shiro, always.

Loving you was inevitable, Keith. That’s the best way I can put it. From the second I saw you at the Garrison, I knew. I knew this boy would take my breath away. But it didn’t really translate that way, huh? No, I created an entire rivalry out of my feelings because they were so strong, I didn’t know what to do with them. Also, you never gave me the time of day. I don’t think you even knew I existed until that night in the desert. At the Garrison Iverson was such a dick to me. But it’s also my fault too. Whenever the team messed up, even if it wasn’t specifically me, I took the blame. Because it was just _that_ , we were a _team_ , so if we failed it’s on all of us. Hunk and Pidge would try to defend me, but I would just look at Iverson and take the fall, every time. He would scream at me about how I only became a fighter pilot because you dropped out. It made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be there. Like I should be punished for having that spot. I think I’ve been punishing myself all my life. And I’m so tired of it. Like, _soul_ tired of hating myself. And then you were gone. Just like Shiro.

It was another period of grief for me. I had still felt so _raw_ after Shiro and then you were gone. So, when we found you a part of me was furious, you were so close! Really fucking close and I didn’t even know it! I was mad and I took it out on you and created that stupid rivalry. I never hated you, but I think I made you hate me. I pushed and pushed you and I feel like I ruined whatever we could have had. Or not, because I’m obnoxious at best and a pain in the ass that could have gotten his team killed at my worst. Blue only chose me because she had been waiting for so long. She was desperate for a paladin. Same with red. I only get chosen when there’s no one else. I’m a leftover. It fucks me up sometimes because you’re so perfect. You’re recklessly brave and beautiful and my hero, just like Shiro. I regret the rivalry, fuck so much. It was a waste of time; we could have been best friends by now. But I screwed up. No matter what though, you stole my heart. Snatched it up, blew through my heart like a firestorm and left _nothing_ but your _name_ behind. Jesus Christ, the number of times my chest _ached_ just from thinking of you, or seeing you smile. And about that! You’re doing better after dating Shiro but by _god_ Keith _smile_ more. It’s beautiful and brilliant and lights up the room. That sounds so cheesy, but I mean it, I mean it more than I can ever say. And you mean more to me than I’ll ever be able to fully put into words. Like yeah, I can write a letter to you like this, but I wish I could show you how I feel. Instead of sitting here crying and trying to find the words to express my whole heart. It’s an impossible feat. But I’m trying as best as I can.

I don’t want you to ever doubt yourself. You’re an incredible leader (Shiro too!). You can be impulsive, yeah that’s true, but that’s not always a bad quality. Voltron needs someone to make decisions on the fly, to think quickly and follow their gut. And that’s _you_. Shiro can be the cautious one, you two are a perfect match and with you, the universe will be okay. You need to have more faith in yourself, because the team believes in you. And I believe in you too. I would follow you into hell. I trust you, Keith. Please try and trust yourself. I know you’ve been through a lot. Just from what little I’ve heard I know that no one should have to deal with half the shit you’ve dealt with. But you’re so strong and passionate and loyal. I’m really _proud_ of you, Keith. You’ve come so far and you didn’t give up, you didn’t give up when you were looking for Shiro in the desert, you didn’t give up on your teammates when we fought against Zarkon, and you didn’t give up on me when I piloted Red and became your right hand man. I hope I did good by you; I hope I didn’t let you down Keith. I. know you’ve never seen the ocean, so when you guys make it back to Earth go to Varadero beach and just sit there with Shiro. Watch the sun rise and think of me, basking in the sunlight coming off of you both. I hope this doesn’t weird you out too much. A love confession from someone you probably don’t even like as friend. Fuck, you might even hate me. But none of that really matters anymore, does it? I’m just grateful to have met you and to have loved you. That’s something I will never forget. I hope I got to see you too before I died. Your dark hair and pretty eyes. I never hated your hair; I like _every_ piece of you. Please know that I love you so much Keith.

You both have to go on, you have to win this war. All of this means nothing if you guys fail. So many lives are dependent on Voltron, you can’t let this slow you down. I’ll be so disappointed in you, if you both fall apart. If you let the team fall apart. Hunk is gonna _really_ need you guys. He needs affection and hugs and you both better give him that. I don’t want my best friend to be lonely in space. He’s already dealing with so much fighting in battles and shit when that’s not really his nature. Don’t let him feel alone. Don’t leave Coran out of things. I feel like he gets pushed to the side a lot and he _deserves_ to be cared about and to have people check in on him. Allura, well she’s strong but she doesn’t like to show her emotions too much, I think she thinks it will make her look weak (it won’t). She’s so _strong_ , don’t let her bottle everything up. Pidge needs to EAT and SLEEP. Listen to me… they say they already ate, and they haven’t. They say they’ll sleep in five minutes and they don’t. They are a _LIAR_! Don’t fall for it, they need to be taken care of, and to be honest I think they feel guilty and helpless because of their family… they blame themselves that they haven’t found them yet and take on all that pressure and then they just give up on taking care of what they need. Don’t let them, they are _not_ at fault and they deserve to be happy. Pidge is one of those people that obsess and obsess and obsess and then they slowly give up. Don’t let them give up.

The team needs you both to stay strong and united. If you don’t want to do the lion swap again then you need to find Red a new paladin as fast as you can. Shit is getting worse out there and I don’t want anything to happen to you guys. I want all of you to be able to go home, _for me_ , since I don’t get to. Just remember I would do anything for you both, remember that when things get hard. I would die for you. Without a single moment of hesitation. My body and heart would move before my brain could catch up and even then, my brain would tell me it was the right choice to make. I love you both, with _every cell_ in my heart. You both never knew it, but you always felt like home to me. Please take my body somewhere beautiful, bury me under the stars, so I can see them glimmering bright and ethereal. Bury me in a place where I can feel the rain and please don’t forget about me. I don’t want to be forgotten. It’s going to be okay, loves, I’m okay. You can let me go.

_All my love,_

_Lance_

* * *

“Keith…” Shiro sobbed into the smaller boy’s hair, clutching him tight to his chest, his hands crossed over Keith’s heart. He cried so hard he was shaking, trembling and curling into Keith’s body. His tears sliding down his cheeks and eyes red and pained. 

“Takashi, if he doesn’t wake up- I don’t know what I’m gonna do,” Keith said quietly, crying silently, his voice wavering slightly but calm, a point well beyond grief. 

“H-He can’t!” Shiro cried as he felt Keith’s hands, still gripping the letter, come up and hold the hands protecting his heart. Lance had been selfless right up until the very end. He had worried about all of them, spoke about how his pain didn’t matter and that they all needed to move on.

How could they do that? How could they ever forget about Lance?

“It’s going to be okay, he’s gonna wake up, he’s gonna come back to us,” Keith said, his heart rattling in his chest. He felt in a daze as he stared at the pod with Lance inside. 

It was terrifying seeing Shiro break down. Shiro was always the grounding force for Keith and right now Shiro needed him. Needed him to be strong. 

“Baby, it’s gonna be alright," Keith said, moving to his knees and turning to face Shiro, pulling his face into his hands to look into tear filled eyes. 

“Keith, we, we never got t-to tell h-him how we f-felt. It’s t-too late!” Shiro held Keith’s wrists and his grip tightened. 

“Hey, no no, you can’t give up on him. He’s right here with us. He’s gonna be okay. I feel it.” Keith leaned in and pressed a firm kiss to Shiro’s forehead, his own eyes clenched tight with the pain of the words from Lance’s letter still flooding through his mind. 

Shiro took huge gasping breaths, trying to regain some control of himself but it didn’t work. So, he just sat there, bringing his arms up around Keith’s waist and pulling him flush to his chest. Shiro didn’t know how long he cried but finally when all his tears dried up, he felt exhausted. Completely drained and scared. 

Keith just shushed him gently, pressing kisses into his hair petting his face and neck and shoulders. He didn’t want Shiro to lose physical touch, not when he was so vulnerable. 

Keith felt the same way, felt like they wasted so much time, only for Lance to be in a position where he had to write letters like those. To be in a position where the boy they loved wouldn’t wake up. 

A loud hissing sound interrupted Keith’s train of thoughts and both men startled and disentangled themselves to surge to their feet. 

The pod was opening. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Sorry for the delay, my beta really needs a break so this has not been read by her. She works really hard and I don't want to put too much pressure on her. So please forgive me if this chapter has errors and commas out of place and weird tenses!
> 
> The lyrics are from one of my favorite songs: Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol.
> 
> Anyways, hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> \---  
> \---

“All this feels strange and untrue

And I won't waste a minute without you.”

* * *

Waking up from a healing pod was always a terribly cold experience.

Whether it was a metaphor for having just escaped death or it was just because of the cryopod freezing him to keep him in a stasis, Lance didn’t know.

But what he did know was that it was always a relief to fall into warm arms, to know he was still _alive_.

Keith and Shiro had caught Lance as he slid forward and a blanket was already working its way around his shoulders.

“Th-thanks,” Lance murmured looking up into their faces.

And then everything came rushing back to him.

Fighting Lotor.

Haggar’s curse.

Bleeding out and dying in Keith and Shiro’s arms.

_Fuck. He had confessed his feelings. Jesus Christ._

Lance was mortified, there was no way they felt the same way and he had basically forced his feelings onto them because he thought he was _dying_.

What if they hated him? What if they despised him for putting them in that situation and now it was going to be uncomfortable sharing a living space with Lance and they wouldn’t even be his friends anymore-

“Lance—whatever you’re thinking quit it.” Shiro said gently flicking his forehead and pulling him from his thoughts.

“Sorry, I just—I definitely died right? It felt like death.”

Actually, more accurately it felt like he was trapped, hovering in between the beginning and the end. It was a floating sensation, his body being almost pulled in both directions, taut and warring.

“Yeah, you died. You were gone for over a week Lance it was—awful,” Keith’s voice was rough and low and desperate sounding.

Lance pulled them both in tighter, upset that he had clearly worried all of them so much. He didn’t want to let them go and their arms around him made Lance feel safe and protected.

 _Loved_.

And for just a moment, Lance would be selfish.

Holding on until they let him go.

But they didn’t.

The arms around him stayed sturdy and all-encompassing and before Lance could make a decision to pull away or lean further into the men surrounding him the medical bay door slid open and then it was chaos.

“We saw that the pod opened!”

“Is he okay??”

“Lance you fucker! We were _worried!”_

“Pidge…”

Lance smiled at his friends and teammates as they all crowded around him. Everyone was elated, completely over the moon that Lance had woken up and seemed perfectly fine. The story he was getting was wild and nearly unbelievable if he hadn’t seen all that he had in space.

“Wait, wait, wait! Let me get this straight!”

“You’re not.” An unattractive snort followed that comment and Lance frowned.

“What?”

“Nothing!” Pidge cackled. He eyed them carefully.

“Anyways… So Acxa’s a blade?”

Everyone in the room nodded.

“And she gave Keith a ‘magic potion?’”

Laughs and clear agreements echoed around Lance.

“And Haggar is… _dead_?”

“That about sums it up,” Hunk said smiling and clapping Lance on the back.

“Are we sure she’s dead? I feel like she’s someone who wouldn’t die easily.”

“Who said anything about easily,” Shiro grunted.

Keith scowled and the room seemed sober a little.

“Well,” Lance coughed.

“I’m glad she’s just not here. I’ve dealt with enough of her damage to last a lifetime.”

“Agreed.” The team said unanimously.

Lance went to rub the back of his neck, trying to also stretch out his muscles when he noticed a piece of paper crumpled in Keith’s fist.

“Keith what’s that?”

Lance thought it was strange, none of them really had paper around in space. They all used tablets, in fact Lance had to really make a serious effort to find paper to write his letters to his friends-

“Oh uh—it’s nothing,” Keith went to shove the paper into his pocket, but Lance lurched forward snagging the parchment from Keith’s hand.

Looking down Lance saw it was one of his letters, specifically his letter to Keith and Shiro. The one they were supposed to read when he died.

But… Lance wasn’t dead.

He was very much _alive_.

His mouth felt like it was full of cotton yet heavy at the same time. He worked to form words as he stared down at his own handwriting, blinking rapidly.

“Why—why do you have this? Keith did you _read_ this??” Lance asked frantically, anger tinging his voice.

The room went strangely quiet and everyone shifted slightly looking uncomfortable.

“Lance, we all read your letters. We thought you weren’t gonna make it, we—we shouldn’t have read them. It was selfish.” Shiro said dejectedly hands open and spread out.

Lance’s eyes narrowed and he pulled back away from his friends, clutching the blanker tighter around his body hands trembling.

“If you knew you shouldn’t have done it then why did you? Those were private. I know my heart stopped but I wasn’t declared dead yet. None of you should have read those while there was a chance I could still live.”

“We fucked up hermano… everyone just got to such a low point, I think we thought it would help raise morale if we read them. But there is no excuse and I can’t speak for anyone else. But, I’m really sorry.” Hunk looked directly into Lance’s eyes as if he could convey his regret through a look alone.

Lance wasn’t having it.

“Just because you’re sorry doesn’t make it okay.”

“You were dead Lance, dead. It’s better to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission.” Keith said waving his right hand out in a short abortive movement.

“Ask for it.” Lance said coolly.

“For what?” Keith said confused.

“For my forgiveness. Ask for it.”

Keith looked floored and opened his mouth in shock. Pidge was frowning while Hunk looked ashamed. Coran and Allura knew where this was going and honestly they just wanted everything to be okay, but they had fucked up when they read the letters and they knew that.

“Please forgive us Lance.” Shiro’s voice was mournful but sincere.

“No. Maybe someday, but not today.”

And then Lance walked away, leaving his friends alone.

* * *

Lance was _definitely_ selfish.

Oh, he wasn’t wrong, absolutely not.

But they had just saved his life.

They had fought a hard battle, nearly died, and killed for him.

So, he was being a selfish asshole.

But he was so upset over what they had done, over such an invasion of privacy.

And he could never fix it, never go back in time and have them unread his words. They would always know exactly how he felt and that was scary. He never intended to bare his soul to all of them, especially Keith and Shiro.

That was something he hoped to take to the grave.

And he almost had.

That was the point.

He confessed when he truly believed he was going to die.

Now, however, they knew the depths of his feelings and it wasn’t _fair_.

It was Lance’s secret to tell.

They were Lance’s words that he wanted to speak if he so chose.

It was meant to be his decision, no one else’s.

 _Too late_.

Lance sighed as he sat on the ledge of his window staring out into space.

Thing were _complicated_ now, and Lance was sick of it.

Sick of having so many feelings all the time about everything. It was like he couldn’t catch a break, and not even in the life or death sense. Just in general and it was incredibly frustrating.

The knock that came at his door was not a surprise.

Who it was though, was.

Keith and Shiro were both standing outside his room in the doorway. Lance was surprised because he had just pretty much fought with Keith right after getting out of a pod and he acted like an ass. So, he didn’t know why they wanted to see him after that debacle.

“May we come in?” Shiro asked hesitantly.

“Fine.” Lance sighed, moving to sit back on his windowsill, running his hands over the leaves of one of his hanging plants.

Keith and Shiro sat on the bed facing Lance.

“We shouldn’t have read your letters.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.”

“And we shouldn’t have tried to hide it from you either.”

“Nope.”

“We’re still sorry.”

“Good for you.” Lance was bitter, embarrassed and frustrated.

And maybe just a _little_ petty.

“ _Lance_.” Shiro’s voice was pointed but tired, it made Lance look up at them both.

They looked like shit.

Utter shit.

Keith and Shiro’s clothing was clearly dirty and rumpled like it had been slept in. Their hair was all askew, Keith’s was looking a little frazzled as it curled over the back of his neck. Their eyes were bloodshot and had deep sallow bags under them, like they hadn’t slept properly in days.

Which they probably hadn’t.

Lance gave them a little mercy.

Just a little.

“Fine, we can talk about how you both know my feelings and how mortified I am that I said all that stuff to you guys and now we all have to live in this castle together and pretend I didn’t say any of it. Let’s talk about how you both probably hate me now, over something, mind you, that you were never even supposed to know. And let’s talk about how you’re fucking disgusted by my selfish feelings for both of you and how you don’t return any of them and how you think I’m probably trying to ruin your relationship—"

“Lance—” Keith started holding up a hand, but Lance just bulldozed right over him.

“I mean I tried to hide it. I tried to keep it all inside of me and I never told a soul. Pidge knows. They always know, but I didn’t tell them I swear! I’m sure you want to keep this private, and I get that. I’ll never say anything to anyone again and we can pretend this never happened. _Please_. But just know, like, it wasn’t my intention to push my way into your relationship. I never wanted to wreck what you both have; I just had all these feelings. Fuck, I _still_ do, and I don’t know how to turn them off. But I’m scared your both just gonna hate me now, even though I deserve it—”

“Lance—” Shiro tried looking concerned.

“And okay, maybe I could have tried harder. I could have. But do you have any idea, any clue how hard it is _not_ to love you? You’re both so perfect. You’re beautiful and smart and wonderful and Shiro you, god have you _seen you?!_ You’re so hot I feel like I’m _burning_ up when I’m around you. And you’re sweet and you always want to make sure I’m getting enough sleep and you watch me when I eat to be sure I’m eating consistently. Yeah, I noticed that, you’re such a good friend and you’re amazing and one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. And Keith, _damnit_ Keith you make me crazy. With your stupid pretty eyes and stupid pretty smile and the way you always dive headfirst into everything you do. It’s like you don’t have a middle ground, you’re either one hundred percent in or one hundred percent out and it’s fucking sexy and I just—the two of you, I don’t know _how to stop loving you_.”

“ _LANCE_!”

“ _WHAT_?!”

“SHUT UP!” Keith was heaving as bellowed into the small room.

Lance was panting from talking so fast and his eyes were open comically wide as he stared at Keith who looked two seconds from losing his mind and Shiro who was rubbing his face with his hand.

But they were both… smiling?

Lance was floored.

‘Why were they smiling?’

“Lance, we feel the same way.” Shiro spoke calmly grinning at Lance fondly.

“Yeah, we were trying to show you over the last few months, we like you, we want you to be with us.” Keith was shaking his head at Lance like he was annoyed, but just like Shiro the look had something softer in it.

“Wait a minute. Is this a joke?? Because if it is, it’s fucked up! I just _died_. You can’t just… come in here after reading those letters and just say you like me! What is this—is this _pity_? You feel sorry for me after you saw what I wrote??”

“Lance—the last thing we feel for you is pity. This isn’t a joke, you _know_ us. Do you really think we would do this to you? Hurt you like this?” Shiro asked holding both his hands out, palm up.

“Well, no. but you read my letters and-”

“We told you we’re sorry, but you know what? I’m not.”

“Keith.” Shiro warned.

“No, I mean it Shiro. He’s gotta hear this. Lance I’m _glad_ I read it. We would have danced around each other for years, maybe even the rest of our lives if we hadn’t read that letter. We both respect you too much to pressure you like that, and you clearly were never gonna say anything. So yeah, I’m not fucking sorry. I’m a lot of things. Like I’m _crazy_ for you and I would do anything for you, and I want to keep you right here with us, forever. But I’m _not_ sorry.”

Lance looked stunned. But Shiro started speaking before Lance could interject.

“Keith’s right, I mean I hate that we hurt you and invaded your privacy. But you need to know this isn’t a joke or a trick or anything else your mind might be telling you. We both are so gone over you it’s anything _but_ funny. We don’t want to ever see you hurt like that again. Jesus Lance when you died in our arms and finally came out and said how you felt for us? We were so _broken_. We were angry at ourselves for waiting so long to say anything to you and then in that moment we thought we missed out shot. We thought you were gone. And then we had the chance to save you and we did whatever we could to bring you back to us. We can’t dance around these feelings anymore, none of us can. You _died_. We lost you, we lost everything that mattered to us. And we can’t do this again. We refuse to waste another _second_ without you.” Shiro declared, eyes fierce and honest.

Lance’s chest rose and fell as his eyes were wide and vulnerable staring at Keith in Shiro in turn.

This was dangerous.

He was two steps away from Keith and Shiro.

And two steps away from being cracked open, his walls crumbled, and his heart bared to them unapologetically.

It was _terrifying_.

Lance bit his lip and stood up from the bench and walked to his door and out of it, leaving the other two men sitting alone in his room.

He paced for a moment outside his door, biting hard enough into his lip to make it bleed and to pull at the skin.

He was always like this, one second from bolting. Using his bravado and fake smiles to get him through the day. Pushing all feelings and thoughts of _them_ away as much as he could. Because he thought…

He thought if he could bury his feelings, that he could finally be _free_.

But he was wrong.

Burying his feelings was wrong.

Freedom was truth.

Freedom was taking a leap of faith and hoping someone caught you.

‘They don’t want to waste a second…’

Lance nodded to himself and barged back into his bedroom, continuing his pacing. They both looked up at him in concern with focusing eyes, like they weren’t sure if he was okay.

“Lance, I know you’re still mad at us—”

“No Shiro. No. I’m not mad, I’m _furious_. You violate my privacy, you read my letters, you took something from me I’ll never get back. Then you come in here, tell me you have feelings for me. Tell me you want me to be a part of your relationship and you just expect it to all be okay. Things take _time_. Sometimes you need to work on stuff, work on yourself. I’m still messed up about my family and shit and this isn’t like a movie! You can’t just—just come in here and tell me you like me and expect everything to be alright. You can’t. Life doesn’t work that way. Those letters… fuck, now I’ll never get to say those things to you in person. Now if I say those words to you, you’ll have already read them. You already know them, and you violated my trust. I am well within my rights to be angry with you, let alone forgive you, for an _indefinite_ amount of time.” Lance was pacing and he finally turned to look at them, seeing their heartbroken faces as Lance laid into them about his feelings, and trust, and his anger and how nothing they said right now could fix any of this.

And then Lance took a breath and his eyes searched theirs desperately.

Keith’s pretty amethyst eyes and Shiro’s soft dark ones.

“But fuck that. I don’t want to _ever_ be anything but in love with you for an indefinite amount of time. Fuck the waiting and the allotted phase for anger and guilt and just the mess that comes with all of this. Fuck it. I just want to be with you, both of you.”

Lance moved closer standing right in front of them close enough to touch as he reached out his hands, each one sliding over Keith and Shiro’s cheeks. Lance smiled hopefully and his lips trembled.

“I don’t want to waste a second. Please just kiss me?”

Shiro surged forward slightly grabbing Lance around his waist and pulling him securely into his lap. Lance gasped as he straddled Shiro’s legs. His knees caging Shiro’s thighs in, as he wrapped his arms around his neck just as Shiro tipped his head up crashing their mouths together. Shiro swallowed his gasp as he pressed a hot tongue past Lance’s chapped and bruised lips. It was completely engulfing as he felt Shiro trace along his teeth and gums and suckle greedily on his tongue, like he was trying to memorize every bit of Lance’s mouth. Shiro felt like a drowned man finally taking in a deep lungful of air and Lance moaned clutching him tighter to him. Lance was molding his body flush against Shiro’s. He felt a nip on his lips as Shiro pulled back to breathe resting his forehead against Lance’s chin. Lance panted and laughed lightly as he trailed his fingers gently across the back of Shiro’s neck. Before he could move back down to keep kissing Shiro, fingers were threading through his hair and tilting him back up to where Keith was standing over the two of them. His eyes were hypnotic and soft as he pulled Lance in by his hair tenderly, carefully pressing his lips to Lance’s. Lance felt Shiro’s grip, where his arms wound around him, tighten and he whimpered against Keith’s lips, licking at them, trying to get the older boy to open up. But Keith kept it slow and sensual, breaking Lance apart before stitching him back together again. And when Lance was breathless, eyes hazy and lidded, Keith finally pushed his tongue into his mouth, sliding along and meeting every brush of Lance’s. Lance’s eyes lid shut as he kissed Keith back, the puffs of the breath mingling together as they lost themselves in the moment.

Lance smiled into Keith’s mouth and took his right hand from Shiro’s neck to slide up and cup Keith’s jaw, stroking his thumb along it lovingly, his long fingers threading through Keith’s soft hair. It was quiet as he was wrapped in their embrace, the stars watching, ethereal, behind them as they shared their first kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is more! This is not the end, still got a lot more to do! :)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Thank you for your patience, college started back up again for me and BOTH my jobs called me back to work at the same time from furlough. So that's been a lot. I gave my beta another break, she will be back for the next chapter. So forgive any mistakes I may have made here. 
> 
> Lyrics at the beginning comes from Matt Maeson's song Unconditional. 
> 
> I hated the last chapter, hope this makes up for it. 
> 
> \---  
> \---
> 
> <3

“So maybe love was always near

Maybe love needs the fear

Well maybe love is a broken thing

Maybe love needs nothing.”

* * *

Waking up in Keith and Shiro’s arms was unlike anything that Lance had ever experienced before. Shiro was curled around his back his large arm wrapped around his waist loosely, soft breaths tickling the back of Lance’s neck. Keith was curled into Lance’s torso, one arm under his head and his other hand holding onto Lance’s.

Lance’s chest tightened with the overwhelming feeling of _safe_ and _loved_. He was drained from the night before but happy. It was all out there now, he just really hoped when they woke up, they still wanted him.

Lance wasn’t mad anymore about the letters, how could he be? After everything his team had done for him, the lengths they had gone to save his life? He meant what he said last night, he didn’t wasn’t to waste any more time.

But Lance wasn’t under any delusion that he was perfectly fine. He still felt fucked up from his family situation and all the suicidal issues he had before Haggar’s curse. It was just one thing after another, and Lance felt like he could finally breathe a little and try to make sense of it all.

He felt insecure about Keith and Shiro, like it was a dream, or some messed up joke that the universe was playing on him. Because there was no way… no way Lance McClain was that lucky. Lucky enough to have the two people he loved, love him back. Like what were the odds?

He breathed slowly and carefully wriggled his way out of their arms before sliding down his bed. They hadn’t done anything last night, just kissed and fell asleep, probably some more crying was thrown in there as well. But they hadn’t crossed into intimate territory yet.

But to be honest, the way their lips felt against his last night was pretty damn intimate.

Lance smiled to himself as he left his room, still in his sweater and new space “jeans” he had gotten from a trader on a planet they had visited around two months ago. They had actually been comfortable to sleep in which was nice.

He headed to the kitchen to scrounge up some food to bring back for Keith and Shiro since it looked like they hadn’t eaten properly, or slept, or even _showered_ in god knows how long.

When he entered the kitchen, he was startled slightly by Hunk and Pidge sitting at the island in the middle of the room.

“Hey guys.”

It was awkward and Lance cringed a little as they both looked at him nervously. Like they were on edge that he was gonna snap or have a break down or something at any second.

“Listen—I’m sorry for last night. I was overwhelmed and I know you guys didn’t mean any harm by reading the letters. I actually feel much better about it today and I want you both to know that I’m grateful for you saving my life. Thank you, I-I don’t know how I’ll ever repay either of you.”

“Lance, you’re our best friend. We’re just glad you’re okay,” Hunk said before tearing up a little and coming around the table to pull Lance into a tight, warm hug. His friend’s smile was so relieved and genuine Lance melted into his hold and squeezed him back, laughing into his shirt.

“I love you Hunk, I don’t know what I would do without you man.”

“I love you too buddy, just—let’s keep the near-death incidents to a minimum from here on out because my heart literally can’t take it.”

Lance laughed and Hunk groaned.

“I mean it! I almost had a heart attack! I’m too young for a heart attack Lance!”

“Okay, okay. I’ll be more careful. Promise.”

Lance pulled away and looked over to Pidge. There was something in their eyes that spoke more loudly than words ever could. Pidge got up from their seat and walked towards Lance, the closer they got the more wary Lance got.

Because with Pidge… you never knew what you were gonna get, or how they were gonna react.

What Lance hadn’t expected to happen was for them to reach up and wrap their hands around Lance’s neck and draw him in tight for a hug. It was hard enough that Lance gave out a little, ‘oof,’ and chuckled before wrapping his arms around them.

“Don’t you ever do that again.”

“Do what?” He asked in confusion, attempting to move back a little to be able to see into Pidge’s face. Their grip tightened and Lance was worried for a moment.

“ _Die_.” Pidge’s voice cracked.

Lance’s heart squeezed painfully, and he pressed his face into Pidge’s hair before letting out a long sigh, afraid to let go of them. Pidge wasn’t like this normally, expressing their feelings so openly. Lance didn’t want to betray their trust. He wanted to give them any affection and reassurances they needed in that moment so they knew, always knew, they could come to him if they needed.

“I’m sorry Pidgeon, I’m _really_ sorry.” Lance whispered.

Pidge was crying, openly now. Something Lance had only ever seen rarely and usually by accident. The first time he saw it was when Pidge was starting to feel hopeless about finding their family. It was so late at night it was early morning and Lance had seen the light from Pidge’s workroom on. He had sighed and gone to tell Pidge to go to bed and found them sitting there, bloodshot eyes wide and desperate staring into the blue screen where they were going over the latest footage from a Galra raid. It wasn’t unusual, but what was, was the silent sobs racking over their thin shoulders, the fat tears slipping down their face, dripping from their chin onto the console. Lance had been floored, but instantly went into big brother mode and had helped Pidge get through it. Just like he would do now.

His arms encased Pidge, one hand going to rub at their hair, the other up and down their back soothingly. Lance’s shirt was wet with Pidge’s tears and his heartstrings tugged painfully in his chest.

“It’s gonna be okay, I’m fine now. You guys saved me and now I’m here and I’m safe.” Pidge knew all of these things of course, but it was like when someone had a nightmare. You would tell them it would be okay and make them aware of their surroundings. He felt their fingers briefly dig into the top of Lance’s sweater by his neck before they started to pull away.

Pidge looked embarrassed and surprised at themselves, eyes a bit wide as they stepped back a little wiping at their face to clear away any evidence of a break down. Pidge sniffled and moved to take off their glasses to clean them in their shirt haphazardly a scowl starting to work its way onto their mouth.

“You ever write a letter that sappy to me again I’ll kick your ass.”

Lance laughed loudly at that and smiled so wide he thought his face was gonna crack.

“You loved it, don’t lie.”

They smirked but then sobered, eyes focused like they were trying to figure something out or say something that was difficult for them to speak.

Lance’s lips turned up softly.

“I know.”

And he _did_. He knew Pidge loved him and that it was hard for them to really let down their walls and talk from the heart. But that’s okay, because Lance _knew_ , without Pidge ever having to say a word.

And that was enough for them.

“But no seriously I’m with Hunk, you need to stop giving us all heart attacks or I’ll switch your skin care routine for that slime colored dye we found at the space mall last month.”

“You wouldn’t!” Lance’s mouth fell open in horror, hands coming up almost instinctively towards his face as if to protect it.

Pidge just smirked and grabbed their “coffee,” from the table before turning to leave, something about decoding old intel to see if they had missed anything.

They turned back right before they reached the door and their smirk turned vicious.

“Tell Keith and Shiro good morning for me.”

Lance’s face heated up brilliantly and before he could stutter out a reply they were gone. When Lance had recovered, he turned to look at Hunk for just a second catching a knowing look before walking deeper into the kitchen.

“Hunk, they’re a _menace_. Can you imagine how terrible I would look with green skin???” Lance said desperately before starting to rummage through the kitchen, grabbing a wide array of food.

“Uh huh, hey Lance you’re doing that thing you do.”

“What thing?” Lance muttered whipping out an old hover tray to put the food on.

“That thing you do when you’re caught and you’re trying to deflect.”

“We just slept together.”

Hunk’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline.

“Okay… good—good for you buddy! Just be safe and stuff and use, you know, lubri—”

“NO! We just SLEPT! SHIT HUNK!” Lance’s face got even redder looking almost mortified.

“Oh, thank god, because I am so not ready to have _that_ conversation with you anytime soon.”

“How about never! I already had this talk thank you very much and have no desire to repeat it. If anything happens, I’ll be safe, so can we forget this humiliating conversation and move on.”

“Are you sure?”

“Don’t make me regret living.”

“Too soon man, too soon.”

Lance grinned trying to forget his embarrassment as he took a big bite out of some flaky pastry Hunk had made. He directed the tray layered with food and drinks to follow him out the door.

“Oy! You think you have enough food?! What are you feeding the Galran army??” Hunk spluttered as he saw a ridiculous amount of food on the tray.

“Too much?” Lance asked sheepishly.

Hunk just sighed and gave him a _look_.

“Tell them I said, hi.” Hunk said flatly before turning away and digging through the kitchen.

Lance’s face was still pink when he made it back to his room.

* * *

Upon entering his room, he found Keith and Shiro still asleep, the space where Lance had slept the night before was nonexistent as the two older men had pulled together like magnets. Lance smiled softly at them and quietly set down the food and drinks on his dresser. He had planned to crawl back into bed, but he didn’t want to disturb them and anyway where would he fit?

‘You know that’s just your insecurities. They want you, they showed you that last night.’

Lance sighed and riffled through his drawers to find clean clothing before heading to his bathroom for a shower. That would hopefully help clear his mind. He believed them; he really did. But Lance was a man of action, it would be easier to quell the negative thoughts as time went by and this was proven not to be a mistake.

Lance didn’t want to be their mistake.

Or their regret.

He wanted to earn this, to earn being with them.

It was probably incredibly unhealthy to think that way, but Lance couldn’t help it. He had trust issues and major insecurities. How is he supposed to believe in love, _real_ _unconditional love_ , when his mama had sworn to always love him, just to abandon him and wish death upon him? How was he supposed to escape from the reality of his insecurities when all he could hear in his head like an old movie reel over and over again was Iverson saying he was a charity case, a second pick, a cargo pilot from Cuba who’s skin color was the _only_ reason he was allowed into the Galaxy Garrison in the first place?

How?

Lance hoped with time things would get better.

Lance showered and dried off before sliding his boxers on and wiping the condensation from the bathroom mirror. He reached forward to touch the glowing marks below his eyes. He hadn’t really had time to get a good look before, but they were beautiful. The small almost crescent shapes were a pale cerulean color. The glow from them highlighted his darker sapphire eyes and he felt something stir in his chest looking at them.

Maybe he _was_ worthy.

Lance smiled and did his morning routine before walking back into his room sans his jeans and shirt that he had piled onto the desk chair. Before getting fully dressed however he padded across to the food and popped some kind of yellow fruit in his mouth that reminded him of fresh summer strawberries. He moaned lightly as the taste burst across his tongue.

God Lance missed tastes like this, anything that reminded him of Earth nearly made him choked up or smiling. The fruit was a reminder of everything he left behind, and it was nice to have little things like this in space.

Lance picked up his drink to take a sip but nearly dropped it when he felt large hands slide around his naked torso to run over his belly. He knew it was Shiro from how his muscular body pressed against him from behind. The startled feeling was gone, and he set the cup down to lean a little into the embrace.

“Who said you could get out of bed?”

 _Fuck_ , that low octave, warm breath washing over Lance’s neck nearly made his knees give out. He trembled beneath Shiro’s touch as his rough hands slid over his sides, up and down, wrapping around his ribs before lowering to tighten over his stomach.

“I wanted to bring you breakfast, you both looked dead on your feet last night.” Lance moved to pick up another piece of fruit as if to solidify what he said. Shiro’s hand grasped Lance’s wrist and lifted it so Lance’s hand was in front of Shiro’s mouth as the older man opened his lips to wrap around Lance’s fingers and take the piece of fruit into his mouth, his tongue lingering over Lance’s fingers before pulling away to swallow it down. Lance groaned.

“You’re—you’re gonna be the death of me.” His voice was shaky as he tilted his head back feeling Shiro rumble out a low chuckle in his ear.

“I sure fucking hope not. I’m sick of you dying.” Keith grumbled from where he was sprawled out in Lance’s bed.

Lance grinned and looked up cheekily at Shiro a glint in his eyes that the older man shared. Lance wriggled himself out of Shiro’s arms and surged towards the bed, jumping on it and hearing Keith curse as his body was disturbed from Lance’s malarkey.

“It’s too early, why are you this awake??” Keith complained as he gave Lance a halfhearted glare.

“What you want to go back to sleep?” Lance asked eyebrow raised.

“Yes.” Shiro laughed as Keith went to turn his face into the pillow.

He looked adorable, hair mussed up, tangled and bangs falling in his sleepy violet eyes. His black t-shirt had ridden up showing off his lithe abs and Lance had an almost aggressive urge to want to touch. Run his hands all over Keith and map out every mole dotted along his pale skin. Just the thought sent heat spinning throughout his body, rushing through his veins.

Lance was in _deep_. Had he mentioned that before? Pretty sure it was his new mantra, a prayer playing on repeat over and over again in his head, filling the spaces his anxieties couldn’t reach.

“Too bad, I would have given you a proper good morning kiss, but if you’re too tired me and Shiro can just go and—”

Before Lance could finish his thought, a gasp left his mouth as he was pinned to the bed on his back, Keith hovering over him. The older man was smirking and moved his hand up to cup Lance’s face while the other held his wrist down. Chapped lips were pressed against Lance’s and he sighed opening up underneath Keith. He was surprised last night, Shiro seemed more aggressive and passionate, all-encompassing and Keith was softer, slower, almost like he wanted to take his time, commit Lance to memory.

Lance loved it.

Loved how surprised he was, seeing a bit further into Keith and Shiro and their private personalities.

Guess he wasn’t the only one wearing a mask.

Keith’s mouth slid against his maddeningly slow, his tongue prying apart soft lips and slipping inside to taste Lance. Lance moaned, bringing up his free hand to the back of Keith’s neck to pull him in closer to deepen the kiss. He didn’t want this to end, he was desperate for both of them and felt scared they would vanish, and all of this would have just been a dream. Lance spread his thighs wider so Keith could fit more comfortably between his legs. But that raised the issue of his clothed cock sliding against Lance’s causing him to moan right into Keith’s mouth as the older boy chuckled. The friction was delicious and Lance wanted more of it. He wanted everything but he also wanted to slow down. He was at war with himself trying to see which side of him would win out.

But it turned out that Shiro would make that decision for him.

“As much as I want to watch you both continue this, we should talk since we didn’t get to last night. I know we _talked_ but not in depth. So, we need to make sure everyone is on the same page. Also, we still have Paladin duties and training today.”

Lance groaned hoping to be able to get out of training, like a note or something. Excused because of almost dying. But clearly Shiro wanted him to get back into training as fast as possible. It might have come from a fear of not being prepared again if Lotor showed up. Lance understood but neither boy moved except to turn their faces to look at Shiro. His voice had been gravelly, and eyes blown wide from watching their little display and he was clearly _very_ turned on. But he wasn’t wrong. Lance knew it, he just wanted the moment to keep going on.

And on and on and on. Until time was meaningless and he could be swept away within both men completely.

“I hate you.” Keith mumbled to Shiro before giving Lance a small chaste kiss and rolling over the younger boy.

“No you don’t, you love me.” Shiro grinned before lifting his coffee to his mouth and taking a sip.

“Always old man.”

Shiro’s eyebrow twitched and Lance burst out laughing.

“Alright, alright. Grab a shower and get dressed and eat your breakfast. Afterwards we need to check in with everyone.”

Lance gave Keith a look. He was realizing that Shiro basically called the shots most of the time and he actually found it ridiculously hot. That didn’t surprise him at all, like his leadership role carried over into who he was, but it was much more intense than what Lance had witnessed as just a member of th team. He wondered if he was like that in bed too, or was he worse?

Like worse in a good way, because Shiro could probably command Lance to do anything and he would obey without question.

He was _not_ gonna unpack _that_ until absolutely necessary.

And maybe even then, never.

* * *

When Lance entered the common room with Keith and Shiro he saw that the others were already there. Allura was looking through the star map while Coran and Hunk went over some mechanical repairs for the castle. Pidge was using the large holo screen to go over more footage they had found a while ago. Pidge was like this, obsessive, always afraid they had missed something vital.

“Lance my boy! I’m so glad you see you up and about, are you feeling better?” Coran asked looking up from the schematics he had been pouring over. Lance felt himself flush remembering how he had treated them all the previous night. He cleared his throat and looked around at all his friends.

“Yeah, much. I want to apologize for last night. I shouldn’t have treated you all like that, I’m sorry I behaved like that.” Lance felt Shiro’s hand grip his shoulder and give it a soft squeeze.

It said so much, just that one touch. That Lance was strong to try and move on and that he was proud of him. It made Lance’s heart soar.

“There is nothing to forgive Lance, we are just glad you’re alright and your wellbeing will always be our priority. Now we can move forward, all of us together.” Allura’s voice was smooth and confident and Lance believed her.

He trusted them, all of them. The thought of unwavering trust was scary because he had been betrayed by that before. But he knew they all meant it. He knew they cared about him, even if it would take some time for his mind to catch up to his heart and believe it.

“Great because I want to move forward.”

“Oh good then we can all train later today! I have created a new regimen that is much more difficult than what we’ve done before, should be challenging and fun!”

Everyone groaned at that and Hunk looked slightly alarmed at the prospect of more intense training. Lance couldn’t even be worried about it, just being around all of them and everyone acting normal made him smile. He plopped down on one of the couches near Pidge and settled in while Shiro started to debrief on upcoming missions with Allura. Keith went to sit next to Lance, close enough that their thighs touched. Pidge glance over at where their legs met then looked up at Lance and raised one of their eyebrows smirking at Lance.

“Stop it.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“You were thinking it, I can hear your brain from here.” Lance muttered. Keith just smiled a shit eating grin on his face, clearly pleased at Lance’s distress.

Pidge went back to the screen pointedly ignoring the other two.

“So, you know Shiro’s gonna wanna talk tonight right?”

“Yeah… I guess it’s unavoidable. Plus, it’s like when he gives you that _look_ you know you’re gonna have to do. Like his no-argument voice.”

“Oh, you have no idea.” Keith smiled wide his eyes glinting.

That smile nearly broke Lance. Seeing Keith look that happy, that comfortable around Lance was like watching the sunrise, calm with bursts of colors spreading out before your eyes. He loved it when Keith smiled, he wanted to make Keith smile like that all the time.

“What did I get myself into?” Lance asked softly his eyes meeting Keith’s as his lips lifted in a smile.

Before Keith could respond he heard Pidge curse.

“What the fuck, get out of my system!”

“What’s going on?” Shiro asked walking over.

“Someone’s trying to hack in!”

The screen started to snow, fritzing and flickering as Pidge typed madly trying to gain their control back.

“-ance! I’m looking for Lance McClain. I’m calling from Earth, please respond!”

Everyone gathered closer and looked confused before a woman appeared on the screen as it cleared. Lance’s mouth opened in shock and surprise.

“Veronica?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... what's gonna happen next? I'm excited to write the next chapter. The dynamic between Veronica and Lance has always interested me. Anyways! I'll try and get the next chapter up faster :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end is a new beginning... and somethings don't stay dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!
> 
> This is the END of this story, there will be a sequel so stay tuned for that. Thank you so much to my beta Judgmental Ghost, I love you so much and appreciate all your hard work. I had thought this story would have all the sex and more of the relationship of the 3 but I want to take my time and make it the focus of the sequel. Also, more angst on the horizon because I can't help but make Lance hurt and then fix him again. 
> 
> Thank you guys!
> 
> \---  
> \---  
> \---

“Very lovely morning

Try not to kill yourself today

Think of all the things you'll be missing”

“Veronica?” 

“ _Lance_.” Veronica’s voice filled the room, she sounded desperate, relieved, overwhelmed. Like she couldn’t believe he was right there in front of her. 

Keith’s arm reached out, pushing Lance slightly behind him as the other Paladins closed rank around the boy. 

“What do _you_ want? You’re not welcome here or anywhere near Lance.”

Keith knew it was Lance’s sister, they had all seen a photo of his family when they first started Voltron. Now the photo was pressed into the corner of Lance’s dresser mirror, a good reminder of his family. 

Or rather, now, a bad one. 

“You are in no position to tell me what I can and can’t do in regard to my little brother.” Her tone was biting but she couldn’t keep her eyes from staying locked on Lance.

Lance was floored… never in his wildest dreams had he envisioned seeing another member of his family for the rest of his life, let alone being able to speak to one. But a part of him was scared and anxious. Waiting for the other shoe to drop and venomous words to cut straight through to his soul. 

“I could always infect whatever dinosaur of a computer you’re using so you’ll be trapped and digging your way out of the mess for _months_ ,” Pidge offered. Usually such a statement would be met with a teasing look. But that’s not how Pidge looked now, they looked vicious, it wasn’t a threat but a promise.

There was no “Pidge!” after their remark. No critical chastising of their behavior. No note of Shiro’s stern look as they tried to reel in the younger Paladin. 

Nothing. 

Everyone looked cold and ready to jump in to protect Lance. 

Even Hunk was glaring. Allura and Coran looked wary, ready to interject if things got nasty. Shiro was at Lance’s side, a strong arm wrapped itself around his waist, and Keith’s hand found Lance’s. 

Even with his fear and unease of seeing Veronica, something warm fluttered through Lance’s body at the feeling of protectiveness and love that permeated the walls he had so carefully put around his heart. He knew it would be okay… whatever happened in the end. 

Veronica had ignored Pidge in favor of focusing on her brother. 

“Lance,” Veronica repeated. Now that Lance looked closer, he could see that her eyes were slightly misty and red. She had dark circles under them and he was instantly concerned as he took a quick step forward. 

“What’s wrong?? Is it mama? Is she okay??” Lance’s voice had pitched up frantically. 

Veronica’s face softened as she took in Lance’s frightened expression at the thought of something happening to their mother. 

“Lance, mama is fine. Health wise, I promise.”

The fact that Lance still cared, still wanted his mama to be okay said so much about who Lance was as a person. Deeply caring with endless unconditional love. Veronica smiled, albeit a little bitterly. 

“But she’s in deep with the family. No one is talking to her right now, not even papa. They have been arguing for days.”

“What… why?” Lance asked, perplexed. 

“Because of you, doofus.”

Lance’s face fell and he could feel his eyes burning. It was his fault? His parents were so angry with him that they were fighting with each other? Lance felt worthless, like he didn’t deserve his family. 

“Well go on then,” Lance muttered, his tone defeated. 

Veronica just stared intensely at him. 

“G-get it over with. Tell me how you never want to see me again and how f—filthy I am and how I should just kill m—myself.” Lance could feel hot tears streaming down his face and his friends reaching out to press comforting touches to him, to show him he wasn’t alone. 

“Lance…” Veronica trailed off. Her eyes looked pained and far away for a moment, as if she was remembering a memory, and then she softened and looked at Lance. 

_“Lance, I am so so proud of you.”_

Silence. 

Complete and utter silence. 

And then Lance took in a stuttering breath and his eyes went wide, more tears spilling over tan cheeks. 

That was not at all what Lance thought Veronica would say. 

“What?” Lance croaked.

Veronica didn’t even hesitate before speaking again. 

“I said I’m proud of you. It was incredibly brave of you to come out to mama like that. I never did, I just kept it a secret until recently.” 

Lance was floored. Veronica was _proud_ of him? Veronica was _coming out??_

Veronica was _gay?!_

“What?!” 

“Lance, you’ve said ‘what’ like 5 times now,” Pidge teased as the others relaxed marginally, realizing this wasn’t going to be another abusive conversation with a family member. 

“Okay so back up… what happened after the call to mama? You need to catch me up because I am really confused. I am surprised you’re even talking to me because of what mama said.”

Veronica took a deep breath and frowned. 

“I’ll tell you what happened, but just know that I would _never_ cut you out of my life. I don’t care what you do, I will always be here for you.” 

Lance was crying, fat tears sliding down his face. But it wasn’t sad crying, it was relieved crying, happy crying. 

Tears of freedom from all the pain that had been bottled up inside the Cuban boy. 

_“Gracias, Veronica.”_

“No, me agradezcas esto es lo que hace la familia.”

Lance smiled and went to sit back on the couch, he could feel Keith and Shiro hovering close and it made him nearly blush. A lot had happened to Lance’s life in a few days. Would Veronica think it was weird that he was kinda, sorta, _maybe_ , with two guys at the same time??? 

Lance didn’t know, but he believed her when she said she wouldn’t leave him. He felt as if the space he was in was no longer filled with fear and anxiety. And now he could be more of his authentic self than he had previously been allowed. 

“Should we go?? Give you guys some space?” Hunk asked, looking to Lance to see what he wanted to do. 

“No! No, it’s okay. I don’t want you guys to go.”

They all smiled a little sadly at that, clearly Lance was still triggered and didn’t want to be left without armor during this discussion. 

And that’s what his friends were, his _armor_. 

Veronica looked around the room curiously. Like she had maybe heard only the things about Lance’s sexuality from their mother and nothing about Voltron, or who his friends were, or what he was even doing in space. 

“Who are all of you?” 

Without any hesitation, Shiro placed his hand on Lance’s shoulder and looked around the room at the whole team, smiling softly with pride and love. 

“We’re family.”

Lance felt warmth creep up his neck and face. But in a good way. He truly felt that Shiro was right, they were family. They had grown to become so much more than just team Voltron and some humans in space thrown into a war. 

“Good. Then I know you’ll protect my brother.”

Veronica’s smile was sharp and her eyes full of fire. The team could see where Lance got his sass and spark. Veronica had clearly been a major influence on Lance growing up. 

“So… what happened at Christmas? I mean after mama and I talked?” Lance trailed off, desperate to know what happened. 

“I don’t know if you heard me, but I walked in at the last moment of the video call between you and mama. I heard what she was saying to you and called out your name, trying to get to you before she disconnected. I couldn’t call back; it wouldn’t find your signal. And then mama was angry that I wanted to talk to you and well, we had it out.”

“What do you mean you had it out?” 

“We fought. I screamed at her, asked her why she said the things she said to you. She told me everything, every word she said. It was terrible Lance, I was so angry, and we were both so loud the whole family came in to see what was going on.”

“Who all was there??” Lance asked. 

“Mama, papa, Luis and Lisa with the kids, Marco, and Rachel. They had to move the kids into the guest room but, unfortunately, I am pretty sure they heard a lot of it. We had to talk to them after and explain some things Not much, just that you are away and when you get back, we will all get to see you. We kept out the shit about mama and her behavior, of course.”

“That’s not fair… what a terrible Christmas for the kids,” Lance said sadly, upset that his drama had ruined their holiday.

“No, no, we took them away. We all left after the argument and celebrated Christmas in the states. None of us are going back there, until mama has a change of heart. The whole thing was insane, everyone was yelling and then I basically came out to her. She told me the same things she said to you and papa tried to reason with her. Tried to get her to see past her catholic beliefs, but she wouldn’t. She wanted me out, and well, all the siblings left with me. We stand with you. And until she figures her shit out, well, she’s going to be alone.”

“I don’t want her to be alone,” Lance murmured. 

“Don’t you do that Lance; don’t you pity her. She dug her own grave and until she’s ready to crawl out, she doesn’t deserve your sympathy nor your heart.”

Lance frowned. Veronica was right, but he felt sick thinking of his mama, year after year alone. Even papa wanting nothing to do with her. 

“I hope she changes, I never wanted any of this.”

“Maybe she will, maybe she won’t, hermano. But either way, when you come back to Earth, you still have family here. We can’t wait to see you. We miss you so much.”

Lance laughed a little, his eyes misty as he thought about the family and being able to see them again. 

“Are you okay? I know this is a lot to take in,” Veronica asked. 

“Yeah, I just didn’t think—”

“Didn’t think what??” 

“Didn’t think I would ever see any of you again. Didn’t think I would be welcome, so I’m happy that you haven’t abandoned me,” Lance said wetly. 

Pidge reached out and patted his shoulder at the same time Keith and Shiro each took one of his hands. Veronica lifted an eyebrow at that but said nothing. She would definitely have questions later, Lance could tell just by her look that exchange wouldn’t be let go of without a discussion. 

“ _Never_. I will never turn my back on you. I would be the biggest hypocrite if I did that to you. You were so brave; you had the courage to tell mama who you are, and she did _that_ to you. It’s unforgivable. But your bravery sparked my own and I feel so free now that I am out. Now that I can live my life with the whole family knowing. Now that I don’t have to hide who I’m dating or what I’m doing. Even if we never talk to mama again, I don’t regret any of this. And you shouldn’t either. Knowing her, she will probably come around someday, but don’t focus on that. It’s not on _you_ to make her accept you. You’re already accepted and she’s on the wrong side of this family now.”

“Thanks, V, I’m sorry about all of this.”

Veronica went to open her mouth when Keith and Shiro cut in. 

“Don’t be sorry, you’ve done nothing wrong! She has, you were just being honest and looking for acceptance and she fucking betrayed you and your feelings,” Keith interjected fiercely. 

“I don’t want to see you spiral into the self-deprecating behavior you tend to get lost in. You don’t need to say you’re sorry, because there is nothing to be sorry about. You are just being _you_. And that’s enough. You are enough, Lance,” Shiro added , squeezing Lance’s hand harder as if to drill his point home. 

“I like them,” Veronica said, her eyes calculated and zeroed in on their intertwining hands again. 

Lance blushed and Keith and Shiro smiled. 

“We’re gonna talk about _that_ later,” Veronica promised. 

Lance sighed. 

“Yeah, I figured.”

“You know you’re still my favorite, don’t tell the others, of course. But you’re my favorite brother.”

Lance cracked a wide grin, a genuine smile that the others hadn’t seen in a long while. 

“Of course, I am! Who’s better than me??” 

Veronica smirked at him and Lance’s smile turned confident if not mischievous. 

“Lance…” Allura called softly. 

Lance had realized they had been talking to Veronica for well over the twenty minute time limit they had been given the last time they could talk to their families and had a sinking feeling he was about to be cut off from talking to his sister any longer. 

But he was wrong. 

“I want to give you some time to catch up, I can’t give you much, but an hour should be okay.”

An hour?

A _whole_ hour?

To talk to Veronica and tell her about Voltron and everything that had happened? That was so generous of Allura. He didn’t know how to thank her. 

“But, won’t it put strain on you?? Since the call is powered by the castle and you’re the power source for communications?” Lance asked worriedly. 

“It’s fine Lance. But just an hour,” she said firmly before motioning to the others to leave the area and give Lance some privacy. 

He hugged his friends and his cheeks darkened to a dusty rose when both Keith and Shiro leaned down to press their lips to the top of his head. Veronica was doing that thing with her eyebrows again. 

_‘Oh dios…’_ Thought Lance. 

“Are they gone??” Veronica asked as she heard footsteps trail away from Lance’s side. 

“Yeah, we’re alone now.”

Veronica looked like the cat who caught the canary and smirked.

“Good, now… tell me everything.”

* * *

And Lance had. 

He had regaled everything from the Garrison, finding Keith, rescuing Shiro, piloting Blue, and then to Voltron and everything that came after. He left out his death though, not wanting that be the last thing they talked about. Who knew how long he would be in space fighting against the Galra? No one knew, so he didn’t want to leave her with even more worry on top of what he already had to tell her. 

After the call ended Lance felt lighter. 

He walked the halls of the castle deep in thought about everything that had just transpired. He looked up as he turned a corner and realized with a jolt where he was. 

The airlock. 

He was right back to where this whole mess had begun. 

Lance walked up to the doors and opened them before stepping inside. He moved towards the right window and looked out into open space. 

This was where he almost died.

_Almost killed himself_.

He needed to get that statement right. He tried to kill himself. Which isn’t the same as saying he almost died. It had been his choice and he nearly went through with it. 

If it hadn’t been for Keith. 

The thought had him reeling, like he had been struck by lightning and every nerve in his body was aflame.

Keith had saved his life. 

If he had even been a minute later, Lance wouldn’t be here. 

Lance wouldn’t be _anywhere_. 

He would have lost everything. From his friends to his family. Which had somehow merged into one big unit. All of them connected through Lance. And he had almost lost all of that. His chance to fly his lion again, and his chance to eat dinner with his team. To watch weird Altean movies and snuggle on the couch. 

To fall in love. 

Lance smiled at the thought and reached a hand up to press against the glass of the airlock, he lost his focus on the stars and could see his own blue eyes staring back at himself. 

He was glad Keith found him. 

That Keith and Shiro had saved him in the long run. Together they brought Lance back to who he was and when he died, they didn’t give up. When he came back and was angry, they held on tight enough that Lance didn’t fade away. He was still there, surrounded by everyone and right then he had a second chance. 

Keith saved him. Changed his life right then and there, without either boy knowing it at the time.

He was glad he didn’t take that leap.

* * *

* * *

Sleek black and violet light filled the room where Lotor stood staring out into space. His plans were in motion, everything perfectly lined up and ready to go as soon the time was right. 

He had to admit, the paladins had caused him quite a bit of trouble nearly ruining his plans for his rule. With his father out of commission and the empire standing behind him this was the precise moment to strike. He would win the war and make Voltron suffer. 

Especially the Red Paladin.

He was just waiting on one more variable to his plan--

The door to the room slid open and a brush of long dark robes slid across the floor. Golden haunted eyes turned to Lotor as the figure stepped up to the window beside him. 

“Glad to see you awake.”

“Yes well, it took longer to regenerate than usual. The damage done by the Champion was _extensive,_ ” Haggar commented darkly, her voice promising pain and vengeance. 

“Hmm… no matter. We shall pay it back ten-fold,” Lotor hummed, his grin turning into a malicious smirk as Haggar nodded in agreement. 

“Come, we have work to do.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL WITH A LOT MORE ANGST, UNFORTUNATELY LANCE ISN'T DONE SUFFERING. I HAVE SOME PLANS... AND WE WILL SEE WHERE IT GOES! THE SEQUEL WILL FOCUS MORE ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP BUILDING AND GROWING AND THEN ON LOTOR'S PLANS!
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who commented and enjoyed the story, hope to see you for the next one! <3
> 
> \---
> 
> BLOOPERS:
> 
> Judgmental Ghost editing my story: Wait so you have: Lance was crying, fat tears sliding down his face. But it wasn’t sad crying, it was relieved crying, happy crying. That’s a lot of crying. I tried to insert that Two Broke Girls meme about crying into the google docs for a while. 
> 
> Me: is that why you took so long to edit it?? You got distracted trying to put a meme in my google doc???
> 
> JG: yes, yes, it is. 
> 
> Me: fuck you I like it I’m keeping it. 
> 
> JG: okay. 
> 
> Me: what color is Lance now?? What paladin?
> 
> JG: I don’t fucking know all of them?
> 
> Me: what no? is he blue or red?
> 
> JG: he’s the rainbow paladin now.
> 
> Me: sigh, I think he’s red. 
> 
> JG: Shame


End file.
